I understand. I have gone through something similar, although I did not move back to a small town or live with my family. I still struggle with profound loneliness. I am not sure if what I have to say will help, but here are some things that might be useful:

(1) First, sometimes there is just no substitute for just pushing through it one day at a time. It helps to just embrace the loneliness. Acknowledge how you are feeling, and let yourself go through it. It sucks, but sometimes it’s all you can do. Also, it’s helpful to recall that you honestly don’t know what will happen in the future. Loneliness can feel very engulfing, but just know that you never see your whole future at once. Things change. There’s no reason to believe that in a few years you won’t be in a much happier place. It may help to bear this in mind when you’re sinking under loneliness and sadness;

(2) I don’t know if you experience overly negative inner thoughts about, maybe, how your life will never get better, but if you do, it’s good to remind yourself of things you’ve done well. You can’t let a negative inner dialogue take over your thoughts. If you find yourself thinking really sad, overly negative thoughts, it’s helpful to gently correct them with a more positive and more realistic thought such as, “Yeah, this sucks. I am really really lonely right now. And it’s fine to feel crappy about my life. But I am loveable and smart and pretty. X, Y, and Z have loved me. There is no reason in the world that this won’t happen again. I have a lot to offer, I just need to push through this. Also, in the past, I felt shitty about the time when X broke up with me. I thought I would never be happy again, and yet, I was. I don’t love them anymore and I’m fine.” Reminding yourself of past situations that you got through usually helps;

(3) It does help to continue trying to meet people, go out, do things, rather than let yourself slip deeper and deeper into sadness. Sometimes the last thing you want to do is see people, but I think it’s important not to just be alone constantly when you’re lonely and depressed;

(4) maybe try to find a way to move out if your family is really bad for you – I know that can be easier said than done in some situations, but it’s important to preserve the person you are. Sometimes family can tear that down;

(5) Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Remind yourself that you are loveable, good, kind, beautiful, talented, whatever things you would tell a friend in this situation. Tell that to yourself as many times as you need to feel better; and

(6) I think posting online, finding people online who can sympathize is very helpful, which you are already doing. At the end of the day, we all need other people and need a community, in my opinion.

Good luck. I hope you find peace and happiness soon. Breakups can be devastating.

Also, agree with the commenter above that you should not look at your ex’s facebook/other online feed. It’s only going to hurt you. It might help to take a big step back and not look at his life until you are in a better place. It’s not doing you any good.

-Ceecee

Maile,

When we can deeply embrace the impermanence of these emotions, there is magic to be found in the flavors they present to us. Consider that pain can push our mind into agitation, into running for escape, thinking that “this is permanent”. However, we know that it isn’t… pain arises when the conditions are there, and settles when the conditions are not. Said differently, “doing nothing” with it is exactly right… just breathe. When we are in emotional pain, it is not a good time to explore, it is a good time to rest, recharge, ground ourselves. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

The only difference between a panicked breakdown and a spiritual breakthrough is patience. If we can sit with the discomfort, say “this is discomfort” and breathe, and not let it push our mind into “this is what I am forever” or “what is causing this” and just breathe, then the causes reveal themselves. Ironically, often we run around the mind looking for causes and unintentionally scrape ourselves up even more. It is like a person in the kitchen who burns their hand, and instead of saying “yep, burn” hops up and down and bumps into the stove over and over. Said differently, you’re lonely. That’s enough. You know you feel lonely, and that is simple. It is some chemicals in the body, some patterns of thought. As you breathe, you can breathe in positive energy, and breathe out the loneliness… giving that moment over to only care directly for your body. The mind settles, and instead of “oh my god, I am so lonely, do I do this or that or should I try harder here or there, am I true to myself or am i being like her, am I destined to be lonely because of who in am and what I do, if only I could be more like her, or him, or myself… ” you can approach your need with patience. “What do I need? Where can I look?”

Next, there is no such thing as “The True Maile”. You’re constantly evolving, dear sister, and who you were two paragraphs ago is different than who you are now. That’s OK. Being true to ourselves isn’t trying to have a “genuine personality”… its in dropping that whole notion altogether. What do you want, what seems right, what does your wisdom and love reveal as the present moment is revealed through your senses. Our whole journey is sprinkled with innovations that we adopt… from “cool” people, from “wise” people, from “learned” people. There is no need to resist it, we learn to play with our life by dancing from form to form… holding close the wise and dropping the foolish.

Finally, sheesh girl! You take yourself far too seriously. Go play! This garden we live in is fertile, and sometimes we are too wise and spiritual for our own good. We forget the beauty, forget to sing, and instead slide inward and look for our issues. Said differently, your tangles have only the power you give them. Remember that!

With warmth,
Matt

Hi Sarah,

Yes, the opportunity to learn from it and to really get to know yourself and give yourself the love you deserve is a real gift to be treasured. It’s the one thing that gets me through when I start getting confused and asking why such a terrible and painful thing had to happen.

The past few days my mind turned over a new leaf and I have been able to act on what I want in my life. Instead of the woe is me attitude, I just started doing things that I used to judge, that were out of my comfort zone, that I never would’ve done if I weren’t so lonely and bored. It definitely has helped. And I started reading ‘Buddha’s Brain’ and practicing creating those grooves for good feelings in my brain. I’m gonna be bold and say that my life will never be the same again since reading this article about the brain. Even if my heart never stops hurting, at least I’ll have the knowledge that I am the only one responsible for my feelings. This is the article: http://www.ancientbrain.net/home/science-behind-stress-anxiety-ancient-brain/ has really helped. I always have to know why and how things work to be able to accept them. (I’m also learning to stop questioning and just accept).

Your words helped me. I thank you deeply for taking the time to share. 🙂