Break up w depressed bf. Am I doing anything wrong???

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This topic has 10 replies, 3 voices, and was last updated 9 years, 2 months ago by Anonymous.

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August 25, 2015 at 5:48 pm #82371
Daniella
Participant
We’ve been together for almost 7 months. Everything was perfect until my bf lost money due to trading, failed an exam (which I already passed last year) and couldn’t graduate because he was too busy doing stuffs. 2 months before our break up, he said he needed spaces and depressed. I let him have his own space and only sent texts sometimes to remind him that I was always there for him and he didn’t need to worry about me, just focus on his own problems. I didn’t even sleep just to draw him a stories with photoshop just to hope it will cheer him up. I thought I would do anything just to make him feel happy.
Then I was offered a place to study in Germany. And he just went on a vacation with his friends? So I guess he’s okay and told him maybe we can think about if we can keep a LDR or we should break up. He said he never thought about breaking up and totally avoided me every single time I asked him if we can talk.
I gave him a several calls two weeks later but he didn’t answer any of them. He knew and even remembered how many times I called, he just didn’t pick up. I just wonder why he can’t tell me straight something like Okay, we broken up so I can easily move on. I hate the silent treatment….
I felt totally desperately sad but I broke up via text because it’s hard to have a face to face conversation. I know he’s currently vulnerable and lost almost everything, and he took the exam he wanted to show me that we were a well matched couple. But I guess I only became a burden instead of a motivation… During the time he was depressed and totally disappeared, my grandma went to hospital, my sister was also depressed and my parents were in debt. My life was tough too..
Did I do anything wrong? I also need time to heal my own wound because my semester will start this October, and I can no longer wait… And I think he’d better find a girl who can be with him physically, I broke up not because I no longer love him…
Still I feel deeply guilty.
- This topic was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Daniella.
August 25, 2015 at 11:23 pm #82417

Karlo
Participant

Hy Daniella,

First of all to answer your question. You aren’t doing anything wrong.
You did your best by leaving him alone while he was depressed and while everything went down for him because he wanted to.
He needs to find himself why everything of that happened and learn a lesson.
What you did is gave him one of the greatest lessons in life (aka tough love) because right now he might feel desperate and depressed but eventually he will either kill himself (which is less likely) or stand up and start learning about himself which is the only way of learning about life in general.
I was jealous and depressed all the time during my past relationship which ended bad (I’ve developed depression, anxiety and OCD) because of ME and only Me (maybe she was also doing something wrong but who am I to judge, right?)
Now I’m trying to do my best to become mentally, physically and emotionally strong enough and mature enough to step in a serious relationship where I’ll do my best to share love and be loved!
(Sorry if I spelled something wrong or grammar isn’t right because English isn’t my first language)
Hope you find this answer useful and all I can say right now is:
Chase you dreams and help your family while you still can!

Best wishes,
Karlo

August 26, 2015 at 9:44 am #82430

Anonymous
Guest

Dear daniela2404:

If you are looking for something wrong that you did, i see one thing and that is that you were not honest with yourself and with him. You communicated to him that you are a non-being in this, that he is the only person that mattered, the only person with challenges in his life. In truth you matter, you have challenges (you listed a few), your needs and feelings are important just as much as his.

I would say, when another person is in trouble that doesn’t mean you no longer exist, you no longer matter. You still have your needs, your valid needs, your feelings that you need to share. Once you present yourself as one that doesn’t matter or doesn’t count, then… you don’t, with most people.

Self sacrifice is often not a virtue.

In this or future relationships- make yourself matter, no matter what.

anita

August 26, 2015 at 4:47 pm #82454

Daniella
Participant

Dear Karlo,
Thank you so much for your kind words. I really appreciated what you wrote down here and I feel so much better. I always think if I am wrong to leave my bf in his most difficult time. I truly think the most common & big mistake that Depressed people make is pushing away their loved ones. I really wish you and my ex will let people into their lives and help you guys instead of suffering it alone, you are still the fighter of your own life, but being next to your loved ones will at least make you feel better about yourself and give you unlimited energy to face all the challenges.
Don’t worry some day some one will come and love you unconditionally. I don’t know much about how a depressed person feels, but from a perspective of someone who has a depressed partner, I think I can give you a few advices:
– If you need your own spaces, just tell your partner. But make sure you are still available to her somehow, like reply to some of her texts, messages etc
– Let your gf help you. Trust her. If she “failed”, you learn a lesson. If she “succeedes”, you two will experience a wonderful thing called love. Everybody has her/his own down phases, believe me every girl/woman wants to protect her loved one 🙂
After all, let not only yourself but your special one have a CHANCE to love you too. I wish you luck in everything in life, I hope all your dreams come true and you finally found your dream girl!

August 26, 2015 at 4:59 pm #82455

Daniella
Participant

Dear Anita,
Thank you for sharing your thoughts 🍀. And yes, I already shared with him my feelings.
– When I told him my grandma was sick, he just disappeared right away. And then he came back one day and told me he felt sorry for leaving me alone but he also had a lot of troubles to deal with so all he can do is telling me “be strong.” But I guess it’s okay at least he said sorry…
– When I told him my sister is depressed and that’s the reason why I really worry about him that he would kill himself or do something stupid. He told me he can’t understand how I feel ’cause he doesn’t know anyone who is depressed. But then he told me how silly I am to let a small thing like “love” affect my life.. And he told me all he cares about right now is money… Since he lost a huge amount of money, I just told him it hurts and maybe we should take a break and focus on our problems instead of relationship…
– when I told him my parents were in debt, he just didn’t care because my family is still richer than his ones even though we were in debt… So he always thinks that I am luckier than him, that I come from a total different world…
Well… I tried to share feelings w bf but every time I tried he let me down as he always has more problems than me, and I was always left alone in the corner and help myself to stand up…

August 26, 2015 at 6:05 pm #82456

Anonymous
Guest

Dear daniella2404:

You asked if you are doing anything wrong- well not to him. When I wrote that sacrifice is often not a virtue- I meant at the least it is not good for your own good. Always take care of yourself first. If you didn’t share your troubles with him- then it wouldn’t be the right thing for you. If you share with him and he responds with such self centerdness and lack of caring as you describe, then you are doing something wrong if you stay with him or pursue him further.

From what you describe it will be the wrong thing FOR YOU to wait for him even though you feel love for him. Look for a loving man next, a man to whom you matter no less than he matters to you.

Take care and have a good semester starting October.

anita

August 26, 2015 at 6:25 pm #82458
Daniella
Participant
Thank you so much @Anita. Yeah because he was my first love so I really don’t know how I should behave in a relationship. I just think boys are in general very insensitive so I use it as an excuse for everything. Besides my ex bf always told me that I was too inexperienced and sensitive that I could easily get hurt. I always don’t know if I did my best to save the relationship or it may be my fault to get hurt of what he said…
But thank you. Writing my story down and having a person like you on the internet to listen to my story is a good way to look back on everything that happened. And it’s now easier to let go and learn something from this break up.
Yeah I’m ready for my new journey and I hope everything will be alright. I hope things will be alright for you too, sweet random person ❤️
- This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Daniella.
August 26, 2015 at 7:32 pm #82463

Anonymous
Guest

Dear daniella2404:

You are welcome. More: not every relationship should be saved. All relationships should be evaluated and continued only if they are good for you, discontinued if they are bad for you. True love, be it from a parent or a boyfriend or a pet, TRUE love does not hurt. There is so little of it, no wonder people compromise so very much- but please, keep your eyes on the real thing.

anita

August 27, 2015 at 5:55 am #82481
Karlo
Participant
I’m so glad my answer helped.
Because people like you can make a big difference in the world and I think everyone should look up to you.
Such a nice person you are!
And thank you for trying to help me.
Right now, I have one friend that I can speak to.
Sadly, my family is bad.
As a matter of fact, right now I’m dealing with my disorders pretty well (I haven’t used medication at all).
In the next six months I’ll be free.
- This reply was modified 9 years, 2 months ago by Karlo.
August 31, 2015 at 5:15 pm #82634

Daniella
Participant

@anita
now I know. One door closes another door opens. I hope my heart can love again and find someone who truly loves me instead of leaving me as always. But I guess people need these kind of lessons in life to grow up 😉
I’m glad I know someone like you who gives me right advices 🙂

August 31, 2015 at 5:48 pm #82636

Anonymous
Guest

Dear daniella2404:

i am glad my input is the right advice for you. Anytime. I like the door closes/ door opens saying this way: YOU close one door (on a bad relationship) and YOU open another door (for a good relationship). It is better to think from the point of view that YOU MAKE things happen instead of things happening to you. Taking charge.
anita
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