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  • #111735

    Hello @bartlomiej,

    First off, I’m sorry you are in pain. It sounded like you really loved this woman, so please take the time to grieve your loss.

    While I haven’t been in your exact situation, I have been in a relationship where I told the man, “you need to commit or I can’t do this anymore.” (We broke up.) There was also a period in my twenties when I secretly harbored hopes that a man would save me or take care of me. I’m not proud of this – I did learn two important things:

    1) You cannot force commitment. Even if someone does cave in they might eventually resent your for rushing them or making them decide to do something they didn’t want to do.

    2) You cannot rely on anyone else for your survival or well being. You, and only you, can create the life you want to live.

    I’m sure you were hoping that this woman would not only return your feelings, but assist you in securing a green card and build a stable home in your new country. Sadly that didn’t work out.

    Why she didn’t want to be with you? We can only make educated guesses. The important thing is you do the best you can to heal, work toward getting the paperwork done to become a permanent resident, get a job that provides security, etc. This is a lot – a scary to do on one’s own. I admire your bravery in moving and trying to form an emotional connection – but now you need find your own power.

    Good luck to you!

    #111736
    bartlomiej
    Participant

    the biggest reason that she decide to quit is that she dont know anything about situation and how and where to go
    love was there she loves me and if i will not be in the life situaton we will be together
    is really hard to believe that person that keep saying u r my best friend i love you u r my everything in one hard situation can just turn back and walk away <probably wasnt easy for her also but regardlles i will never leave her and whatever that will be

    i was thinking that if she will need my finger to be cut off i will do it to make her live
    but she will never do this for me

    i guess that is mean that she never loved me enough

    #111744
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear bartlomiej:

    As I understand it, you suggested to your girlfriend marriage so that you can get a green card. It is illegal to do so. Your girlfriend may have been scared to commit an illegal act. The Immigration authorities are tougher, since 9-11, on marriage-for-green-card frauds.

    You described your ex girlfriend as very cautious, anxious maybe. You may have scared her with the illegal proposition.

    anita

    #111746
    bartlomiej
    Participant

    I don’t think that I scared her because she knows that I did everything to be in my situation and I explain everything how this will go
    And she is always scared of everyyhing and anxious
    Now I feel bad cuz she couldn’t deal with me as all me and we split up even that we was great together
    I tell her that only we need to get married so I can get better job and go Visit my family

    She didn’t get this and decline out love

    #111748
    XenopusTex
    Participant

    I can understand her leaving. You lived with her, had sex with her, and sounds like you wanted her to marry you to get citizenship. She put a lot into the relationship, you didn’t get citizenship paperwork done. Can’t say that I blame her for running away when you asked about marriage for the reasons Anita mentioned.

    To be honest, if I were her, I would have felt used, and ashamed. Sounds to me that you were setting her up to get what you wanted, and she fell for it right until you made the proposition to do something illegal and she had time to think about it. I can’t blame her one bit that she left. I just feel badly for her, as it sounds like she bought into your claims, and probably did develop feelings for you.

    Sorry, but asking somebody to do something illegal and then blaming them for leaving when they realized they got played does not elicit sympathy from me.

    #111750
    bartlomiej
    Participant

    It’s not illegal it’s normal here don’t u people understand also
    I didn’t set up anything that was not a priority that was never anything that was so important
    First was us the love maintain it
    Feel for each other
    But we stand to the point that if I will not have a green card I will not be able to provide for her any goods like better home better money traveling that was all what was about
    Us all the time
    Many friends of mine was in exact situation and no other partner have any problem because they understand where I come from
    Think about I work for 16$ per h I pay tax I I have left 13 $
    If I work for American company I will have 30 $or more
    Some of the people completely have no idea how this works
    And think about it if your love ask you to cut your finger to have her live, will you do it ?

    I will do it for with not thinking

    I feel bad even for you People that u don’t get what I’m saying
    Yes I heard for set up just to get green card

    But not here I didn’t do that

    I ask her one year after engagement what and when u planing to help me out cuz president is changing and its possibility that I can send back home
    And that what u get from person that u live and share your life
    I don’t care I’m running back to my parents
    How this relationship will survive and other problem if she can face This who I am ?

    #111758
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear bartlomiej:

    Putting the legal issue behind for now, what happened is that you gave your live-in girlfriend an ultimatum: marry me – or we break up. She decided to break up, and so she took her stuff and left your residence.

    So this relationship is over now. What are you going to do now?

    anita

    #111761

    Bartlomiej,

    As difficult as this will be while you are sad about this woman, it’s vital you spend all your energy into getting that green card.

    If you are here in America, while the immigration process is not easy, there are resources that can help you through the citizenship process without forcing anyone to marry. The first thing you need to do is *ask for help from a qualified, ethical professional/expert in immigration*. There will be a lot forms, fees, and different agencies you will need to deal with so it will get a little daunting. Having someone who knows the procedure will be invaluable.

    Ideally you would hire a lawyer who specializes in this, but it sounds like your finances are tight. Go to a local library and ask the librarian to help you find free/low cost resources/groups that can assist. Community colleges and religious organizations are also a good place to start. Also, see if there are groups in your community of people from your native country – they might be able to help to and would also understand what you are going through.

    This is going to be very *tough love* here, and I don’t mean to frighten you, but the longer you wait the harder this will be and the more legal risk you put yourself in. Please don’t add the risk of deportation or putting your immigration in jeopardy to your your grief over your breakup.

    #111801
    Lakra
    Participant

    I´m sorry that you guys broke up and i hope that you will find someone who can counsel you on how to get your green card.
    I think you have a great chance working in the US and if you like it you should try your best to stay instead of running back home because things didn´t workout as you planned and you´re tired of doing it the hard way.

    The thing is i also hope that you will understand your ex girlfriends reaction at some point. No one likes ultimatums and if you love a person you don´t put the pressure on them like that.
    Just because you would sacrifice everything doesn´t mean that others have to do the same to prove you they love you.
    Everyone is free to make their own choices – don´t compare your relationship with that of your friends. Don´t rely on someone else to do something when you can do it yourself. I believe she loved you too because even though you were badly paid and there was a danger that you might leave – she still stayed by your side.
    I´m telling you this because i did marry for that reason a few years back and my husband became violent and cheated on me once he “secured” his card. I was young and idealistic and maybe naive when i gave in to him pressuring me. There´s many negative examples and your girlfriend made the choice not to take the risk if she wasn´t yet ready for marriage. And that´s totally okay and I wish i had done the same thing back then. Still i wish you the best.

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