I went through a painful breakup lately. I know our relationship was toxic, and I take full responsibility of my part in it. Still, I feel so miserable and devastated.
I was the one who initiated the breakup because I just could not take it anymore. I really dont know what is what anymore. Maybe I am the crazy one. Maybe I was the toxic person in the relationship. I just dont know.

At first everything was perfect. I saw some red flags, but I ignored them. This woman told me that she is spoiled, negative and complaining. I am not 100% sure of this, but I think she also said that she does not forgive to people who hurt her. When she was talking about her ex, she put all the blame for him. She told me that she has a problem with eating. She told me that she wants to be thin, and to me it looked like she was obsessed about that. I work in psychiatric hospital and I constantly people who have this same problem. She said to me that she has not many friends and she does not like to be around people. She also said the she does not feel any connection to animals. In general it looked like she hates herself, and that she carries a lot of resentment and anger. Of course she had good qualities. She was very “girly girl” as she put it, and I loved her sense of dark humour.

It was a long distance relationship, and the problems started to arise when I returned back to my home. I saw her becoming more distant (I did the distancing at first, maybe this is my projection?). I told her that I feel like she is not that crazy about me anymore, and that I feel lonely in this relationship. At first, she said she is sorry and she asked if we could talk about it in skype. Well, when we talked everything was completely different.
She told me she is annoyed. I was really confused. Did I do something wrong? I think I just wanted more intimacy…and now she was doing everything she could to make me feel guilty about it. She told me that I am drastic, negative and complaining. I did not know what to think. And I still dont. Did I do something wrong? Why was she so angry at me?

We had planned that I would return to her country in last jan. I was thrilled to see her again. I was already asking if I could rent an apartment in her town. And out of sudden, she told me she has to work double shifts all that time. When I told her that this is not okay, and I am going to travel somewhere else, she of course got really pissed of. Later, I asked her if there is room for compromise and I could come little later. I asked her if she could talk her boss. In my own head I was hoping to find a solution that makes both of us happy. She got really angry again. She was asking if I only want to go somewhere warm (she knew I hate winter). She also said she was silly for thinking that I want to see her. This was so unfair. I did everything I could to save money for the trip, because I wanted to see her. And now she tried to manipulate me to make me feel guilty of not doing exactly what she wants. I told her that maybe the most loving thing for me is to walk away. And I did. I have to admit that at this point I said things I deeply regret now. I did not do any name calling or anything, but I put my words in a way that I could not care less. I take responsibility of my own mistakes.

I wrote her and email couple of days ago. I asked her if she wanted me to go all along. I also told her that I am now in counseling because I want to learn from my own mistakes. I said I am sorry about things I said. I said I am sorry that I hurt her. Actually, this is not the first time I was saying I am sorry. I also told that I am not the only one to blame in our failed relationship. She did not take any responsibility of anything that went wrong. It was all the same. She told me that I am a person who only cares about myself (What!?) and it is very selfish that I still write to her after I left her. She told me that I do that only to feel better of myself.I told her that its true. I want to feel better about myself. But I also want to make sure that she does not carry all the guilt. She also told me that I should think first before I speak sometimes so I wont end up saying things that will hurt other people. She said that it does not matter if I apologize thousand times when the harm is already done. She also asked me not to contact her again.I told her that there is always two persons in relationship and both parties make mistakes. I also told her that I do not know if she ever wants to take responsibility of her own wrong doings. She was very, very hurt about what I did. And I have to admit that I was doing some manipulation as well, and I was not always completely honest. Still, I can not believe that she tried to hit me under my belt by attacking my personality like this. She is well aware that I feel guilty, and by saying something like was extremely cruel. She is fully aware that I do care.

And now, when I write all of this, I can only think that I did not write things accurately enough. That I want to show myself in a good light. The thing is that I feel like nobody cares what I feel about this whole thing. Like nobody cares about my side of the story. And I completely understand that this just my point of view. She would probably tell things very differently. Well, it felt good to write all of this.