Hi Mark

Thank you for your kind response, I really appreciate it.

Yes, im full of grief, shame, doubt and all of those not so nice emotions. Thank you – it helps just to know you are there in kindness.

Many thanks i will try to breathe. Yes i like that movie and phrase !

Yes i will try to meditate, and do my best to sit and feel it.

Wishing you peace and happiness too.

Barbs.

Hi Matt

Thank you, yes It is so painful, and Im trying but im not controling myself very well – today i went to his mums house and waited for him, and he had a look of disbelief and disgust, as I guess he has ended it and I am clearly almost harassing him. When i woke up i had a feeling of desperation, fear, panic – I had in my mind no choice but to run to him. I missed him like a sharp needle of pain.

When he got into the car I drove him to work – he did not want me to but I pleaded. He was stony faced and cold, and he summarised what he had gone through with me – he siad i was controling, (an issue i know i dave – and clearly so damaging), jealous, and made the house feel like an anxious hole. That i have deep issues in relationships (which i do – i seem to be fine with everyone else but in a relationship i smother out of terror of being hurt behind my back) He said he had tried and tried, and that i made his life a misery due to my controling ways, wanting to know where he was and pin him down (as in making plans all the time, and wanting to know when he would be home etc )

So I have to own all that – because I did all that, and quite honestly I feel like I dont want to live anymore – I am defficient in a relationship – I cant let go, I cant love properly. I am so full of shame and guilt for what I did to him, making him suffer that way. Why did I do it – whay couldnt I be in control of myself all along instead of trying to control him ? Now its too late – he said there is no hope.

He did try – he tried to show me love and I was always suspicious and asking questions to reassure my mind.

What a selfish person I have been, I have been an appaling parson to him – and he works so hard, those long hours.

I think maybe I will never rrecover from the guilt – I will have to always know that I did that to us, to him.

I know he wasnt perfect – but now I see how good he was and how self assured I was – thinking he would not leave me – how could he not, it was almost inevitable he would leave me.

I have no more chances to try again. He will meet somebody in the industry, someone stronger who can handle the chef hours, who dosent smother him, and I will never have that chance again.

I know I sound like a teenager here – like a broken hearted little girl, but Im in so much pain I dont even know who I am or who he is – Im lost completely. I am so devastated at his coldness – because he wants to cut me off and not give me false hope.

I know I should breathe and feel the pain, but I want to escape it, I want him back, and I cant have that.

Thanks Matt, yes, I really am in the shit – really deep in the shit.

Barbs.

Hi Matt,

Thanks, yes I feel that even if he couldnt help it due to his hours – he just wasnt here. Although I love him, this made me claw and scratch at him for affection and I wanted more all the time, as you say – like a hungry person, reaching out for food. I wanted more phone calls, so that I knew he cared, I wanted more in general.

It just really saddens me that he blames me – but I guess he feels that his career was always his career, and he cant change that and I knew him from the start. Its almost as if i see that I should have known at the start that I would have to sacrifice a lot, and if I couldnt do it I should have let him go.

Instead I went to Australia with him for a year, because I didnt want to be without him – and it was again a disaster – him working 14 hours, my visa never came so I was 14 hours alone in a far away place every day. It was the circumstances, but I should have let him go by himself in the first place. Out of fears and worries that i would loose him to someone else I went with him. Instead I selfishly wanted to go with him, so I wouldnt loose him. Maybe these were the warning signs that we were just in different places in our lives too (my career is very stable and the hours very settled, and i have my house, my car – he is really only starting out on his career path – and never had that stable family to help out or guide him in a good direction ) I took a career break, wiped out my savings, and followed my heart.

Then there is our different backgrounds – his friends, drug use that they engage in occasionaly, the chef lifestyle, and the differences in us seem that we are incompatible.

It just really makes me sad that he ever was adopted into that family – where would he be now if he was elsewhere – who knows. His poor birth mother gave him up thinking he was going into a loving home, and he went into a bad area, a father who was absent and violent, and he started work at 14 on a milk round, then workking as a chef from 16. Just life makes me sad in this way – maybe he would have gone to college and had a father figure, if he was in a differnt family and had more choices. But who the hell am I to say what somebodys destiny could or would be. It is what it is in this moment.

And in this moment he is done. Last night he called me, as I had asked him to – and he said ”i have walked along the cliffs with you for too long now I need to get down off them and pick myself up and start again” I felt so sad and said, ”please dont shut me out”. His answer was ”i dont see a future with you”, right now there is no chance. 3 / 4 months down the line there is more chance of a possibility, but not now ”

So thats it – any choice is taken from me – he is calling the shots, and he has let go.

I will have to try as you said Matt to self care, and try to get on with it. I spoke to my friend, who has no insecurities, and she said ”I couldnt have dealt with the chef hours and I am not insecure” – this slightly puts my mind at rest that Im not weak, and that many others couldnt do it either. I will have to try now to set him free, and to let him go. I cant wail and beg – he has made up his mind. I will try to get my act together and keep going, however hard it is. I will really try to reach out and not to be alone – as I know my mind will take me down all sorts of avenues – where is he, did he meet another woman etc – so I have to keep busy now, and try not to cave in.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart Matt, for taking the time to talk to me. I really helps.

Namaste,
Peace and happiness,
Barbs.

Hi Michela,

I didnt see your message until now – wow it sounds like you have a very loving relationship, and you have found a real balance,

Yes I have to love myself, and reassure myself – and I just wish I could have and now its all too late.

It wasnt all his fault – and I should have been self sufficient, but I missed him all the time – those 14 hour days are so lonely when he is working.

I am really feeling his loss – because now I cant fix anything (eccept myself) but I want him back.

Now I feel he is gone as cold as ice – maybe he will hange his phone, move house and ill never see him again – eccept to get his things.

Its very painful to realise that I should just have let him be, why was I always prodding and poking at him.

Big regrets,

Barbs. xx