Thanks Anita, I think you have given me a very clear and helpful comments on how to judge the incident. It’s a great guiding light for me.

I am reviewing what you were saying and I realized for the cheating itself it seems that I shouldn’t bear with the guilt.
however as I review my previous interaction with her, I began to feel that I hit a few of the emotionally abusive pattern, for example, I did accuse her for being too sensitive, i did disregard her opinion, i did blame her for things that she seemed to be not doing right, and she did have a feeling that everything that i said was right, and she has lost a part of herself trying to follow my path.
I did feel dominate and at times i did feel it’s a bit over sometime.
And from the way she said she needed to leave me, she said she was very scared of me, it just fit the symptoms of someone being abused.
I find it hard to really make peace with it, feeling that I might have abused her. I have always thought i was a compassionate and kind person, and i guess that’s where the guilt came from.

My friends have been telling me that even if you were not good to her,the cheating itself makes the game even. But I guess it’s not ‘even’ that i am looking for, I kind of just want to know what had happened and understood myself better.

Would you be able to help me understand the abusive pattern better?
Thanks a lot for your advice.

Hi Anita

I think this is very helpful for me. I will write her a hand written letter i think, so that she can at least have a choice of reading it or just chuck it away. I think hand letter reflects myself better as well.
I am very grateful for your reply, a lot of my friends are trying to protect me by asking me not to think, but I guess I am someone who can’t stop thinking until i feel i have done whatever I should do. I feel that something is not right and that’s why i am still lingering with strange feelings.
And yes I will need to observe my interaction with other people better, I just feel that I have the right to say things out and that I disregard what other people feel. It’s a hard lesson that I have to laern.
Again I am very grateful for your reply. Feel free to give me more advice.

Thanks

Clara

Dear Anita

Thanks
I have come up with a letter but just hesitating in whether I should give it to her. She seemed to be too scared to contact right before we stopped contacting which was just a week or so ago.
I am afraid I would trigger her with any kind of conversation that I initiated.

But for the things that I have said, for example, when she missed out dates, i would blame her for being careless, and said’ why couldn’t you just try another way and be less stubborn’ She would say ‘it’s hard for her to try new things’ and I usually would dismiss her feelings and said ‘it’s not that hard actually, give me your phone and let me set it up for you’

Hi Anita,
Frankly I can’t recall much of those abusive behaviour. I might have commented on her professional as well thinking that is of little value to t he society.comparing her profession to other helping professional.
I guess I understand what you are saying, just cater for her emotions first before working on te task.
As far as the letter. I have put it on the desk once I finished it. Will see if I still want to give her later on.
Thanks so much for your insights!

Hi Anita

You know what, I am also very confused as to what I did to her. On one hand I recalled her feeling very depressed because my comments about her work, about her way in dealing with people and things, on her personality etc. and on the other hand, I did encourage her to go and explore her interest(Although that did not necessarily involve me joining all the activities).I recalled feeling she wanted my attention and approval so much to a point that I felt stressed out. I am an introvert and am someone who needs independence, yet if I was just be myself it seemed that I couldn’t satisfied what she wanted, and she got depressed and couldn’t feel my care at all.
But in any case, may be how I look exposed what I truly thought, I didn’t find her inspiring or very attractive at times, I guess that’s where her complaints stem from.
however, reminding myself to use EAR in the future won’t harm at all!
And yes I know I shouldn’t slap her or use any physical force. I recalled I did hit her backpack and arms for one or two times in the first few days when I discovered the incident. Probably that has imprinted some scars on her as well
After that I did have very intense outburst at times, to a point that I grabbed my own arm very hard, there was times when I almost wanted to bang my own head. I did nothing phsycial to her, but I guess emotionally she was very scared already, seeing me in such intense emotions.

Thanks Anita

Chau

Hi Anita

Thanks.I don’t know if I should be happy to hear this or not. Afterall we have been together for a year or so and I truly believed she did give me her heart during that period of time, and did try to treat me really well(I think). But now i realize, being with a person doesn’t only involve being good to the partner, but also improve yourself and be good to yourself so your partner would have a truly good companion.

I think all my friends said what you said, but when I saw her crying like hell on the date we broke up, I did believe that she was very hurt and this is out of her control, and i did think “may be I really treated her very bad when we were dating”, and that she was just a silly little girl who was very lost. I know her friends didn’t like me either, apparently because she said I was very harsh on her. May be i didn’t love her enough, or may be i did not express love in a way that she wanted so that she felt neglected or disrespected. I have no idea now and I wouldn’t be able to figure that out. I just need to learn from my experience and let it go.

During the one month try out period after the incident, she did say she would stand by me and would like to listen to me vent out, or cry or whatever, but it’s just too much for her i guess?After the break she said I have hurt her and put her through all these. She just puts the blame on me so she can move on easier.But that’s another stab on me, especially because she approached my ex-friend immediately afterwards.
And yes, she blamed me for getting hurt, either by not responding well to her expression of love and care, not giving her the attention she wants when we were dating(thinking of that we really aren’t too compatible). I think i did blame her for not understanding me enough, not giving me enough space etc. But I guess that’s a matter of how to interact with each other.
But then eventually she blamed me hurting her through all the accusation, shouting and yelling because of the the cheating.
Now I remember why I wanted to escape from her when we were dating, I have to owe her feelings too and that’s a burden on me.

Anyways, lesson learned.
1) Even if I don’t like this person, I need not to be mean or criticize her(and apply the EAR)
2) If I can’t help but want to criticize her or be mean, I should leave this person
3) I should set my boundaries better( I guess I let her hurt me one and again by the cheating and by the accusation afterwards)
4) Never get together with someone when I am not emotionally ready, it never works. (i do feel i brought some wrong expectation to this relationship because of my previous relationship)

I think afterall, we need to give meanings and learn from whatever happened, however harsh or difficult situations are.
Thanks Anita

Chau