I meant can’t turn my back

Anita

Yeah I do truly love L. Yeah till that time I have to go with the flo. Then when that time ccomes I will do what needs to ge done. For all I know i might find it difficult before then. I need to be aware of how I feel myself and how it affects me

Karen

Thank you. Maybe once she leaves I will post as I see it being difficult. Thank you for replying to my long posts as you have helped me alot

Karen

Anita

Thank you I will post on here so glad I found this site

Karen

Hi anita

Just a wee update. L got her keys to her new place last week and has slowly moved out. She stayed a few nights at mine just saving her going back and fore which was fine. Just acted like we usually do. Got the last of her stuff on friday. When she left it was sad I didn’t want her to leave. Gave her a hug and said its just feels so strange. She’s not going to be here. She said the same it’s going to be hard we are both getting over stuff. Shes going to find it strange as she’s not going to have someone there or sitting having a meal with someone. She said it’s not like we aren’t going to see each other it won’t be all the time etc. But it’s hard thinking we won’t see each other so much. But that’s how things go. I have to get used to that I know. Once she went she txted to say she reached safe which was good. So that it since Friday I have had odd txt or picture of things she’s done in flat. Which is fine because I know she’s sorting her flat out. It’s the weekend now I don’t like it because it’s so quiet round the house. I feel the house is just empty I cant even bring myself to go into her room at the moment just makes me upset.

We have been getting on OK since I last messaged you the other week. not really talking about us as such. She been talking about her past relationships. Not sure if I had said that to you last time. I can understand why she doesn’t want to get hurt. So we have been good talking like we used to. That’s the good friendship we have. It’s I just find it hard. I had spoke to a mutual friend a while back which he went and told her how I felt about her. We spoke over txt and however she saw the txt about how I felt about her. So that wasn’t good that was a Sunday and that’s when she said I don’t want your help moving to my new place etc. I am annoyed with the mutual friend because we were getting on fine till then. So I left it went for a walk and when came back we spoke for along time. The next day she mentioned it again. She said seeing it written down made her think.it’s different when someone says how they feel but seen it in black and white. Well it’s nothing she doesn’t know anyway how I feel etc. I think it made her think aswell as her friend at work questioned her a few days before. They were talking and L was saying to her that I was helping her move. Her friend was like really is that not leading Karen along etc. Which I think she was annoyed at. She replied Karen knows my feeling and she wants to help etc. Think that kind of kicked of that reaction when she saw that from the mutual friend.

We went back to being the way we are and I made dinner had a glass of wine and she was again talking about relationships etc in general. Then she brought up my ex. She obv felt insecure along time ago about my ex. Me and my ex were finished many years ago. No feelings are there whatsoever. Yes she saw a note how I was feeling way back then how I was feeling etc about my ex. Which I forgot was in a pile of papers. Which was all thrown out when I cleared my house out in May. But she brought it up the other night as well as act of love that love language thing. Asking me about this love language. I found it a bit odd why would you bring up my ex and this love language stuff. L is the one that ended everything if shes no feelings why is she bringing it up. Because if I broke up with someone I wouldn’t bring and ex up esp if I was the one to end the relationship. Hope that makes sense. You try and explain to her the difference in that relationship and what I had with her and there’s no point doesn’t want to hear it. Esp like when not holding hands in public etc and when I said I was changing and doing it more. I got maybe you weren’t changing and doing stuff quick enough for me.

She picked me up from work wed and went over to her flat with more stuff and she stayed there.  Thursday she came back  as I was off work and I helped her move more stuff. It was a good wee day we chatted in the car about how she’s feeling. The changes in her life about her moving her flat obv it’s a big thing for her. She’s doing it by herself transitioning into civilian life from the army.  I can see she is a bit stressed and i try and reassure her as best I can. She says she’s so happy etc. But then boom a message from her family wanting something and she gets down. Like I said other day and she knows it you need to say no to them when they ask for something. I said you have to say no and she did which is first time ever. Was so proud she did. She feels like she doesn’t deserve in a sence to be happy. She does more so than anyone else she had a hard time. So yeah we were busy all day Thurs doing stuff building furniture.her unpacking. She got upset with all her emotions. More so army emotions. It’s all becoming a reality now that shes going to be out of army. Something she never wanted to happen. Like I say to her you are going to be feeling different emotions etc.you will have good and bad days etc. But I will always be here for you to talk to. I think it upset her more as I had got her a gift and done photo album with picture of her career that she can add to and look back on when she wants to. That’s when she left the room and I knew she was upset. Think cause it was thoughtful gift. But yeah it’s hard time for her with alot of emotions. So that’s about it really. Sorry for the long update again lol.

I just have to try stay positive etc. I am OK some days. Was a bit fed up Friday night obv that’s when she left the house it was like the ending in a way. Its just when your so used to seeing someone every day and even this last few weeks getting phone calls etc what about this do you like this for my flat would you think this will be OK. Its like I was so involved in a sense.  Yes I would have like that kind of stuff to happen in this house as a couple. Even when she said about helping her on the Thursday she said don’t feel you have to etc. I don’t want to put you in a position where you are going to struggle because of your feelings. Like I said I want to help you yes my feelings are there not going to disappear overnight. I said I would help you because I want to. Also she doesn’t have anyone else to help. I wanted to help. So yeah i am trying not to over think. Trying to get used to being in the house myself again which is strange but its only 2 days in. I do notice that my sleeping is gone back to tossing and turning hopefully that will get back to normal. Think it was OK the last while because we were in the same house.

I just felt I needed to give an update just to talk about stuff.

Karen

Hi anita

She moved out on Friday. Yeah it’s very fresh and a change which I never though would happen. It will take some time to adjust. Think it’s worse because it’s the weekend.

Yes I expressed how I feel for L to a good friend of ours and he showed her the message or discussed it with her. Which then she was annoyed etc. Then led to her not wanting my help. The other friend that she works with said to her when she said I was helping her. Said would that not seem to be leading Karen on. To be honest I think that friend she wrks with does fancy her. Think that’s why she might be saying that.

Yshe say shes never been so happy just now inside and out. Not sure if it’s a bit of a front. She is happy as job wise and her flat has worked out etc. Then her mum messaged asking for money. Only time family gets in contact is when they want money. I said u need to say no as that’s only time they get in contact and she did say no.

I got L a gift for when she leaves the army. I gave it to her a few weeks back as when she left I didn’t know when I would see her. It was a box personalised with her regiment and army number where she could put sentimental things in. Aswell ad photos from different stages in her army career. I had given her the box. Photos I added to that box and she found them when she was unpacking the other day. She left the room and got upset think because it was a thoughtful gift that I had done for her and also she is finding it hard to deal with her emotions about leaving the army. It’s a job she loves and doesn’t want to leave. So it’s understandable.

LL is always making the effort with her family. Thyw anger me because they don’t make effort unless they want money.

She should never feel in debt to her family at all she is where she is in her career and life because of her and only her. They never supported her at all. She tries with them for the love she never got in childhood and adulthood. I agree i with you about debt she does feel if someone helps her she owes them I helped her the other day etc and she said I owe you. No you don’t I helped you because I care for you I don’t expect anything in return. Think that’s why she doesn’t want help. She wants to rely on herself. Doesn’t want to owe anybody. I helped her because I care and love her. I put my feeling aside a bit to do that because I care about her so much. Yes it was hard because when putting furniture together and her asking what I though about the furniture it made me think that’s what we should be doing as a couple. But I had to switch of.

Yes I be glad for you to discuss. Me discussing is helping me a great deal which I am very appreciative of.

The note she found was from 6years ago and I generally didn’t know was still there.if I new it was there it would have been thrown out. It doesn’t matter that it was written 6 or 10 years ago u would think it was written yesterday. There is no feelings towards my ex. I am so happy for her and her new relationship. Maybe it did make her feel less sspecial but like I said it was from years ago. I just dont understand why she would bring it up at all. Esp whe. She finished the relationship. Also I never cared for my ex the way I do for L. With L it has been so different on every level. With L I found true love and my soul mate.

Thank you anita