Dear Karen:

I need to re-read your previous posts because I currently don’t have a good understanding of your situation; I misunderstood a couple of things. I will be back to you when I am rested and focused, which will be on Monday morning, in about 16 hours from now. If you want to add another post, or posts, before I return,  sharing more about your relationship with this woman, your past relationships, and perhaps a bit about your childhood, please do, it will help me understand.

anita

Dear Karen:

I will retell your story best I can. Some of what follows may not be accurate, so feel free to correct me. One reason I have trouble understanding your story is that your writing is rushed: you type the wrong letters, words are missing, and you don’t check and correct your mistyping/ writing before you submit. It seems to me that you are and have been very distressed. In my retelling of your story, I will quote from you, but I will edit the quotes just enough so to make them clearer, correcting misspelling/grammar, and filling in words you skipped

You shared that your parents are “good, loving.. supportive”, and they planned to visit you and your recent partner (let’s refer to her as L, for simplicity sake) this week.

You came out as being gay ten years ago. Your first major relationship was a five year relationship with a controlling woman who cheated on you. After that relationship, hurt and betrayed, you weren’t interested in another, but then in January this year,  you started talking with  L, a woman a few years younger than you. You entered the relationship with L shy and lacking confidence about being gay. On the other hand, she was confident and not shy about being gay, not in her intimate relationship with you, and not while out with you in public.

With L, you felt more open and more confident about being gay than ever before, but she was way more open, confident and comfortable than you, having been out as a gay woman earlier than you, and having had multiple relationships with women before meeting you.

The two of you talked “none stop, had such a connection so quickly… clicked straight away, same interests, very alike.. very similar how we think and what we like in someone and what we want in life etc.”. She was “very open” and she was the first person you opened up to about your previous, hurtful relationship. The two of you started dating in January or February. In March, “Covid kicked in “and lockdown happened”, and she was living with you at that point.

L was very open with you, and she was open about her relationship with you, comfortably holding hands with you in public. She was very romantic, planning and executing romantic events for the two of you, “always getting romantic gifts etc., flowers, date nights during this pandemic”, making you “feel so special”.

You were much more open with her than you were in your previous relationship, and you were more open about the relationship in public, introducing her as your partner to your friends and colleagues. You also tried to return her romantic gestures, but your openness and/ or your romantic efforts were not “on the same level that she wanted”.

Throughout the relationship with L, if I understand correctly, you were anxious, scared about the two of you having feelings for each other so quickly, and somewhat uncomfortable still, about being gay within the intimate relationship with her, and in public. You were also very stressed because of work, and sometimes depressed. Yet, at times you felt at ease with her, and at times you felt happy. Compared to your previous relationship, you “have changed so much since being with her, and was so looking forward to the future.. I was so relaxed, and was so happy to be with her.. felt so at ease with her”.

In March or April, “she left, wanted to be friends”. She left the home you shared, but the two of you continued to talk like before, “non stop video calls, morning texts, good night texts”, and you were “head over heels”.

A month later, “she wanted to come back to live with (you) as a lodger”.

Next, she moved back in with you as a lodger, but the romantic relationship resumed because “she said she still loved (you), so gave it another go”. The two of you “talked about the future etc., a lot, from her side, i.e., house, jobs, marriage, all the important stuff”. Because she was in the process of leaving the military, she did not work outside the home while living with you, while you were very busy at your job. “She was at home more and she took on her fair share of the home stuff. She paid her way, etc.”.

Next, in about late September, while you were “stressed with (your)  job and being a bit down in the dumps”, “she started to say she wasn’t happy”, and “finished it”.

Next, the two of you “talked and tried again”.

Next, “it happened again, and we said we will work on it”.

Next, “she did the same thing again”, then “apologised”, then the two of you talked and you were treated for a romantic birthday, “she made such an effort, it was lovely”.

As October proceeded, the two of you “got in a rut in the last month and a half”. On one occasion, there was a disagreement between the two of you, and because of your “build up of emotions and stress”, you raised your voice at her. You then apologized for it, but she keeps bringing it up, and your apologies “don’t seem to matter at all”, “one week we were happy, next week we weren’t”. Next, in late October, “she ended it, said she wasn’t happy, there’s something missing, the spark”, and currently “she still wants to be friends”, and she is preparing to move out of your place soon. You expressed to her that you “want her back, but she says it will never happen”.

My understanding today:

1. L is impulsive, and you agree: “She can be impulsive, and can’t sit around, but I like that”.

2. When the two of you met and started your relationship, you were uncomfortable being gay in private and in public; she was very comfortable being gay in private and in public. Over the short time you lived together, you became more and more comfortable being gay, but still, not as comfortable as she is.

3. You are very distressed at this time, and you have been very distressed since you started this thread, eight days ago. Part of your distress is, of course, the nature of this relationship, and the fact that L is still living in your home while preparing to move out. Part of your distress is your work situation, part is Covid.

And part of your distress precedes all these events and has existed since many years ago. Even though  you felt at ease with her at times, most of the time you were still, very distressed. Maybe L realized that no matter how hard she tries, you are still very distressed, and it was hard for her to endure your acute, ongoing distress. Am I understanding your story correctly, at this point?

anita

Dear Karen:

You are welcome. I read just a bit from your recent post. I will read it all attentively tomorrow morning, which is in about 14 hours from now, and reply to you further then.

anita

Dear Karen:

You are always welcome. In this post I will focus on what you shared in your recent post about L. You shared that she felt comfortable with you and trusting of you, that “she always talked (to you) about her past like she’s never done before with others: family, childhood, relationships, etc.”. Yesterday, as soon as she came back home, she chatted with you for four hours, into the night, “talking about random things and about how things affected her.. like old times, chatting away, which is nice, as I could talk for hours with her, we always find things to talk about”.

On the other hand, in the past, when “she wasn’t busy, she would get fed up, bored”, and when something stressful was happening in her life, “she would go quiet and overthink” (instead of reaching out to you to talk about what was bothering her), and at times, she proceeded to tell you that she is not happy with you and suggested to break up, “it was like she needed to end it and cope by herself, which  she always had to do, previously”.

About being betrayed by her family, you wrote: “she has been betrayed. Especially her family betraying her. This is when the barriers go up and she has to escape from the situation…. she never had this love and support with her (family)… Betrayal by family has been in the past, and continues to happen. L is always the one doing the chasing, helping them, being the person to make contact. It’s never her family. She is the one that has to make the effort.. Always… They don’t know what they are missing out on, as their daughter is such a wonderful person”.

You wrote: “I do think her being comfortable and so trusting of me has scared her. It’s as if she’s waiting for the betrayal. Then she has to end things in a way, before she gets hurt.. when her barriers go up, she changes and gets scared. Then it’s like she needs to get out of the situation. But she needs to stop that, or she will continue to do this all the time, and it’s not good for her, or her future. She needs to break this cycle”

You also shared that in her adult life, she “always lived in army barracks”, and then she moved in with you. What’s ahead for her now, as she moves out of your home, is “living in her own flat, having the responsibility of bills, new job, generally living everyday life.. a transition from army life to civilian (life).. a massive thing for her.. she needs to get used to a new life outside the army.. which is scary and daunting for her”.

Here are my thoughts (still using your quotes):

1. About her hurt: “Then she has to end things in a way, before she gets hurt”- she is already hurt and has been hurt ever since she was a child. Naturally, ever since she was a child, she has been pushing that hurt away from her awareness best she can, so that she doesn’t fully feel it.

Her hurt is about her family not thinking highly of her, not thinking she is worth their time and loving attention; it is about her family rejecting her as a person of value, a person worthy of love.  It always hurts to not be valued, and it hurts the most to a child when not valued by her own parents. (A child desperately needs to be valued by a parent, otherwise she does not believe that she is valuable).

2. About her fear: you wrote this: “Then she has to end things in a way, before she gets hurt.. when her  barriers go up, she changes and gets scared”- I will change this sentence so to point to what happened first, what happened second, etc.:

She becomes aware of her hurt, and she gets scared, then her barriers go up, then she has to end things.

The feeling of hurt, when raw and intense, is a very painful feeling. We people are afraid of painful feelings. When she feels more of the hurt, she gets scared of feeling even more of it, more than she can handle, so she protects herself by isolating, first emotionally (not talking to you about her thoughts and feelings), and then physically (by moving to a separate bedroom, and next- to her own flat).

3. Why does she perceives isolating and separating from you as a way to protect herself (even though you have been so loving  and loyal to her)? –

– because when she was a child, her parent/s were not loving and loyal to her. When she felt hurt or scared, or sad- she reached out to them for love and support, so to feel better. But instead of loving and supporting her, they rejected her, pushing her away from them. The result of reaching out to them was that she was hurt even more, and scared.

In a context of loving, supportive parents- a child learns that reaching out to her parents makes her feel better. In the context of rejecting parents- a child learns that reaching out to her parents makes her feel worse. To protect herself from feeling worse, the child learns to not reaching out, and isolate instead.

In the original context of her life, that of being a child, protection = isolating.

Fast forward to her living with you: when she is busy and active and there is nothing particularly stressful happening in her life, the hurt I mentioned is adequately removed from her awareness. Therefore, she is able to be emotionally available to you and interact with you: chat away, prepare romantic gestures, love you.

But when she is not busy, and when something particularly stressful happens in her life- she feels distressed, and that distress intensifies the hurt that’s always there. She responds like she did as a child: she isolates- that’s her emotional-behavioral habit.

4. The future: like you, I suspect this “she will continue to do this all the time, and it’s not good for her, or her future. She needs to break this cycle”-

– to break this cycle/ emotional-behavioral habit, she first has to be aware that it exists, and become more and more aware of the nature of this habit. Aware, when she finds herself troubled and isolating, she will have the opportunity to behave in a different way: to reach out to another (trustworthy) person instead of isolating. Once the new behavior benefits her (the person she reached out to responds in a supportive, loving way)- a new habit will be in the process of forming.

If she remains unaware, and claims that The problem is you (not romantic enough, not initiating enough, etc.)- then she will not change her emotional/ behavioral habit of isolating and breaking up. She has to understand that in the context of a love relationship with a loving and supportive partner (which you are)- the problem is in her, not in you.

She will also have to stop chasing her family, she will need to stop chasing the love and support that is not there for her. When she stops looking for love where it does not exist for her (with her family)- she will be able to look for love  where it does exist (with you)

I am guessing that moving out and adjusting to civilian life will be difficult for her, and , and that she will repeatedly contact you repeatedly for support, maybe she will contact you a lot, maybe she will want you back as a partner because of the loneliness and difficulty in her new life.

But beware: if the two of you are  back into a love relationship, and she is not aware of her emotional-behavioral habit and how it came about, and if she is still chasing her family for love, then she will repeat that cycle and break your heart again- something I don’t want to happen to you yet again.

anita

Dear Karen:

I am glad you are finding it good and helpful to talk to me; I am finding it good and helpful to talk to you.

“Maybe you are right, that’s why she has done this in a way to protect herself. On the other hand, why end things so drastically, and say there’s no going back with us”- I am guessing because she was conflicted for a long time: to-stay or-not-to-stay, going back and forth in her head, overthinking.

The drastic “there’s no way back with us” put an end to the distressing, ongoing conflict, indecision and overthinking.

“If she said ‘I need space, I need to think, work things through, etc.”- she doesn’t want more space and more time to overthink, to go back and forth between to-stay-or-not-to-stay. She wants that distress to stop- so she told you and herself that it’s over and there is no way back.

“she’s fine and good when she’s busy, but it seems when something stressful happens, or something is said by her family, that she feels hurt”- to heal from the hurt caused by her family members, she will have to severely limit or end altogether her contact with those family members who hurt her. Being in contact with them cause her wounds to re-open.

“when I work a Saturday, when she doesn’t, then she gets down and ends things. Every time she’s ended things, it’s been a weekend, Sat or a Sunday”- I am guessing that she misses her family most on weekends, or that she has the emotional memory of being very lonely and sad during weekends, as a child.

“I will always be here for her anytime, night or day”- from the totality of what you shared here on your thread, you have been a very loving and supportive partner to her.

“She knows not to chase her family, she has said that a lot over the months”- but she keeps chasing them, “always her making effort, calling, texting, etc.” – a bit of an understanding that she is chasing them, and saying that she needs to stop chasing them are not enough: she needs to practically stop chasing them, she needs to give up on finding love in them.

“last time she was hurt by them yet again and then she ended it with me”- she doesn’t feel able to end it with them, so she ends it with you.

“She hasn’t seen them in a long time due to Covid, etc.”- talking to them on the phone, or online is enough to open up those emotional wounds, again and again. (Even memories of them and images of them in her brain- are enough to open up those wounds. This is why after no longer being in contact with them, if that happens- she will still need to go through a process of healing).

“when she says that we are over, to move on, and it won’t happen again, it’s hard, and it does hurt”- it is understandable that it hurts you to hear her say these words.

“I wish I had a magic wand and took all her hurt, her fear, insecurities away from her, so she can be happy with me”- that’s your love for her, and your desire to love and be loved by her.

“Yes, it will be very difficult for her… she has said she will contact me for support, as she doesn’t have anyone else. She will ask for help. There’re a lot of maybes, Anita, isn’t there”- seems to me that for as long as she doesn’t have anyone else- she will turn to you (this part is not a maybe for me).

“few weeks ago is when she was saying something was missing with us”- something is missing with her: a peace of mind, a belief that she is valuable and worthy of love. With that missing thing, something will be missing when she is alone, and sooner or later- in every relationship she ever gets into.

“I love you but don’t know if I am in love with you. Don’t want to be with you”- I think that her feeling “in love” has to do with her hope to feel that peace of mind, that feeling of being worthy of love. This is what she is really chasing- that feeling. She is chasing her parents for that feeling, she chased that feeling with you.. she then gave up on finding that feeling with you.

From personal experience, it is a combination of an emotional healing process and being in a relationship with a loving, supportive partner that will make it possible for her to get the feeling  she needs so desperately, that she is worthy of love.

Her hope to feel worthy of love is likely to stay alive for as long as she is alive. I am guessing that she will keep chasing her family for that feeling, and I am guessing that she will next chase a woman for that feeling: it may be a woman from her past, or a woman she did not yet meet, or.. it may be you.

anita