I’m new here, Im 33 with 3 children 4,7 and 10. I need help.

I just called it off with my boyfriend of 2 years, who like I said is a war vet with PTSD. I honestly can’t say what I’m sad about but I feel like a addict without a fix. I have been on the most intense roller coaster for the past 2 years. He has no impulse control and can be very dangerous. He can be very sweet and sensitive, but the dark is very scary. He’s told me horrifying secrets. He is unstable, one minute he’s starting his own business and the next he’s quitting his job, then he’s back working at his job and life is great. It is UTTER CHAOS. He’s never physically abused me but he yell’s/shouts and is very intimidating at times. I always end up forgiving him because I know he is dealing with issues I don’t understand. I didn’t want to abandon him. He actually broke up with me a couple months ago, he shoved all my belongings out in the living room. I was hurt but also relieved because I had been thinking about leaving. I didn’t know how he would react. I have 3 kids and he’s never acted out in front of my kids but I was unsure what would happen if I left. A couple weeks later after I moved out he starts calling me and wanting to get back together. I don’t know what’s wrong with me, eventually I started to secretly see him. I know I cannot be with him, I know he isn’t safe. He has been on me for the past few weeks about bringing my kids with me, so he could say hi. I keep avoiding the issue. I finally told him I don’t trust him around my kids. It’s the truth. I know I will never let my kids be around him again. He told me a few things that make me physically ill that I can never erase from my memory. He always told me stories of this dog he had, I feel horrible just writing this.. he would always tell me about his dog he loved that passed away. He said the dog made him mad one night during an episode and he hit the dog in the head with something metal and the dog died from injuries. He told me this after we were living together and I’ve been carrying it ever since. Any normal human being would run for their lives after hearing that. I didn’t know what to do. After writing this I think I answered my own question, I am brainwashed, stupid and scared of him. I broke up with him for good, no more seeing him. I just don’t know why I feel so bad after breaking up with him. I miss something, bad. How could a person miss such bad behavior. He’s told me before he hates women. It’s almost as if the worse he was the more I wanted him to accept me.