Dear Charlotte:

It is interesting that his aunt talked to you about giving him another opportunity, Feb, I think (“she spoke to me and asked me to give him the opportunity to explain himself, saying that we were young and the relationship had just started.. she just convinced me”), and in April, his mother called you for the same purpose (“his mother called me because he had an episode of anxiety.. he took a lot of pills with alcohol and ended up in the hospital”).

This feels suspicious to  me, that his aunt and his mother are involved in his life this way.

The title of your thread is “Bpd and trusting bf”- after reading your original post I don’t see the issue as your BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder). I see the issue as you being in love with a young man who is not an honest or decent man.

If you follow his aunt’s advice and give him yet another and another opportunity, what you are giving him is .. yet another opportunity to show you that he is dishonest and indecent. And if his mother calls you again with a story of him taking pills etc., I wouldn’t give in to that dishonest manipulation (I think that the story is either partially or completely a lie).

Your BPD diagnosis may be relevant in other relationships, but in the context of this relationship, it is not relevant because your lack of trust in him is about his behavior.

anita

• This reply was modified 4 years, 10 months ago by .

Dear Charlotte:

I am still suspicious: if her son was admitted to the hospital that night and was unconscious, I can’t imagine that his mother had the state of mind to think of you, her son’s new girlfriend, and be concerned about you worrying if you called and he didn’t answer.

I would think that a mother worrying about her son being unconscious following a suicide attempt, will be beside herself, not in the calm mindset to be worrying about you calling him.

Don’t you think?

anita

Dear Charlotte:

You may very well be right and his mother is trustworthy. Notice what you wrote earlier about trust “I have trust issues due to past experiences.. my bpd.. affects my ability to trust people”- well, it doesn’t affect your ability to trust his mother. So there are people that you trust and have no difficulty trusting.

Regarding your boyfriend: you found out that he was sexting with other women, “sending nudes and talking dirty”,saying about his relationship with you that “it’s nothing”. More recently he talked to a friend of his “about selling girls nudes from a fake account”, suggesting “buying and reselling webcam model photos”- no wonder you have a problem trusting him!

At one point he “had an episode of anxiety.. he took a lot of pills with alcohol”- this development does not change the fact that he has been repeatedly not worthy of your trust. You didn’t trust him not because you have a diagnosis of bpd, but because his behavior has been untrustworthy. His anxiety does not change his untrustworthiness. Taking pills with alcohol is yet another behavior on his part that demonstrates that he is  not worthy of trust: you can’t trust him to .. not poison himself with pills and alcohol.

I understand that you feel “deeply in love” but this deeply-in-love feeling doesn’t have to rule you. Loving a person who betrays your trust again and again will bring you more and more misery. Back to my first point on this post: you trust his mother. This  means you are able to trust people. Even if it will be difficult for you in the future to trust a man (one you didn’t meet yet), it will be possible for you to trust him if he is honest. But this man your thread is about, he is not honest overall. From time to time he will tell you the truth as all  dishonest people do (no one lies all of the time), but you’ll never know the next lie.

anita