Fysh,

In contrast to John’s heartfelt advice and pornography deliberations, I’m seeing something quite different in your words. It seems that perhaps you are obsessed with porn. Specifically, it seems like you are digesting your partners actions as having to do with you. As though because he likes porn, that it means he does not enjoy your company or sexual exchanges.

If I were in your shoes, I would start there… it is inside our own view that we have the ability to heal, not through the control of the actions of others. His actions as “ruining your life” sounds like there is far too much of your self esteem interwoven with his actions.

Buddha taught that sensual craving is a road to suffering. If your boyfriend is addicted or otherwise shifting his actions to create, maintain and defend his habits, that is a real difficulty that each of us has in our own way (until we are enlightened). Consider replacing “porn” with “playing with teddy bears”. If he leaves work to play with bears, lies about playing with bears as often as he does, asks you to leave the house so he can play with teddy bears, plays with teddy bears 7-14 times a week… would that have anything to do with you? Would his time playing with teddy bears be so often that he isn’t spending time with you?

Seeing it this way can help you erode the attachment you have in your aversion to porn. Can you see how ridiculous it is to obsess about others’ actions? If he was spending all of the money in the household on teddy bears, or is being neglectful in the relationship because he only wanted to play with teddy bears… that would be one thing.

So, what is it about yourself that you don’t like? Its perhaps that dislike that makes your mind get stuck in loops comparing yourself to his teddy bears and obsessing about his actions. Said differently, perhaps if you were more comfortable in your own skin and with your sexuality, porn would not be a problem. Or, if it was a problem for you, you could simply move on… like some people have to do when they are in love with an alcoholic. But, that’s not what you asked, or the way you described what you’re experiencing. How is your sex life with the boyfriend? Are you satisfied with your intimacy with him?

Its possible that his sex drive is stronger than yours, that he is addicted, that he really does it less than you assume he does, or even something else. Whatever it is, consider that trying to stop him is codependent. Pia Melody has a great book on overcoming codependency that is on amazon if you’re interested. She will help you better target the obsession and control aspects of your behaviors, so you can be peaceful and happy without trying to change others.

For the record, I am personally against the use of pornography to fulfill sensual desires unless we don’t have a partner or watch it with our partner. In a relationship, sex becomes a sacred binding force of intimacy that has the potential to provide so much joy and union that porn becomes rotten food. I only say this so you don’t continue to think I am just trying to help your boyfriend, it has nothing to do with him… it has to do with you and your health, your mind and your peace.

With warmth,
Matt

You know this is a topic that I had to give my two cents about, because I personally went through something pretty similar to what you are talking about. My relationship had taken a serious turn for the worse and also porn had become a big issue and a stress reliever for me. I really thought it wasn’t a big deal until I finally stopped watching it. Its been about 7 months now, and my relationship has been on a whole new level personally and intimately. That video John posted really is some powerful powerful stuff. Even assuming that he doesn’t have any physical issues, porn is, at least in my experience, very destructive to a healthy relationship.

Even if he is just relieving a physical need due to a higher sex drive, porn really saps away at the intimacy of a relationship, and leads to some unrealistic expectations of what intimate sex in a relationship should be like. I’m not saying people don’t have successful relationships with porn involved, i’m just saying that you should highly suggest that he watches that video john mentioned and checks out what NOFAP is all about. It can really change your life. Matt also really hit it home, all you can really do is help him along whatever road he is headed down, and make sure not to obsess about it. My story is a bit one sided because porn was destructive for me. Just be patient with him and introduce him to the materials john showed you. He will find his own way, and eventually if his porn use becomes a bigger issue, he will at least be able to see it more clearly instead of blaming something else in life because he has already seen what porn can do. Best of luck!

-Dave
personal-growth-project.com

That’s great! I’m glad you and are you boyfriend were able to watch the video together.

David mentioned NOFAP and I have to admit, I tried it myself for a few months and it was great. I think fasting of any kind (sex, food, etc) can do wonders to clear the mind and rejuvenate the body.

If you needed to share any more arguments with your boyfriend as to why he should eliminate porn completely and cut back on masturbation, here are just a few:

– it will improve the quality of his erections
– when he does have sex, he will be able to last longer
– more testosterone in his system will actually reduce his anxiety and make him more resilient to stress
– his voice will deepen and he’ll sound more masculine
– his confidence will improve
– he’ll want to have more sex with you (if your libido doesn’t match his, there are other ways besides intercourse to give him the release he craves and still help you deepen your connection)
– he will have more free time on his hands

While I do support eliminating solo internet porn watching, I don’t believe in eliminating masturbation completely. Some people do. Nevertheless, both of you will find lots support and testimonials from this website:

http://www.reddit.com/r/NoFap/

Here’s to your new and improved sex life! I hope things work out. 🙂

Fysh,

Run. Run like you’ve never run before. You can not make him recover and you will drive yourself crazy trying to control him, no matter how many videos on addiction you have him watch or how much you tell him that it hurts you. I recently ended my engagement and moved my sex addicted fiancé out of my home. He would tell me lie after lie to try and keep my emotions at bay so he could continue to act out. It wasn’t until I found the plethora of avenues that he was involved in on the internet that I realized how out of control his addiction was. The addict is usually the last to realize there even is addiction. There are exceptions to the rule, people who can fight this and win without in/outpatient treatment, but they are rare. But, since in this case you have reached out on a forum, I cannot sugar coat this. Run. Or at least, educate educate educate yourself. Look into COSA, codependents of sex addicts. Find the website and either find a meeting near you, or find a telephone meeting to listen in on. It may sound more familiar than you want it to.

Wishing the best for you no matter what the resolve.

I read a few of the replies and they all may be light to your situation, and if I could be any help to the circumstance to ANYONE with curiosities in this subject I hope I am with what I am about to share. Without getting into heavy detail and running on (if anyone has any questions after I’ll gladly answer) I am a male, and I use to watch porn frequently. Now to society I wouldn’t of been classified as having a problem, maybe even noted as healthy it wasn’t hurting nobody and it was my choice. As I thought. Until I got into a relationship with someone that sex drive was out of control and by any means I do not mean that in a good way. We’re no longer together, I personally think she has an issue (almost being a sex addict) that runs VERY DEEP emotionally and spiritually. What I am getting at is, instead of examining her ways or questioning her, I started questioning my actions, and how do I end up in these same situations that seem to be getting worse? So I started observing myself and this is what I came up with from studies and knowledge I have acquired on the subject:

It is said that the “eyes are the windows to the soul” I truly believe in this statement. From watching tv, choosing what you read, to WATCHING PORN. I thought it was entertaining, and I enjoyed it. Now that I look back it was counterproductive and helped me develop many insecurities and fears that I was bringing to life without even knowing it. Also I noticed it was linked to a time where I would be down about things, unhappy about something, or anxious. As studies show that sex releases similar chemicals as dope. Now who would say I was an “addict” I watched it once a week, maybe 3 times a month, but it was a symptom to an underlying problem I had that needed to be addressed to seek change.

Likes attract likes, so if I could give you any advice, ask yourself is this his problem or your problem? And truly observe yourself to see if you need to change.

Feel free to ask any questions, I hope this helps. 🙂 Have a great day!