Dear PryingMiMi:

I have time this cold, lightly snowing day, so I took the time to read all your posts since 2013. I replied to a few of your later threads, but you did not come back to me. My goal is to learn from you. If I was in your shoes, I would love it if someone took the time to read and learn about who I am. It may not be how you feel. I don’t know if you will respond to this post I am putting together. If you don’t, I will not respond again to your future threads, figuring you are not interested in my input.

The following are chosen quotes from your posts of the last three years and five months, ages 18-21. (In parentheses followed by an * are a few of my notes in between the quotes):

7/3/2013: I’m 18. Im in college and I most times feel as if I am an outcast. I have a few very close friends… I have so many questions, as to why I am the way I am. My brain is so disheveld with so much information, I do not know where to begin…
7/22/2013: One of my biggest fears is growing old and not knowing my purpose or to have never been comfortable with myself… I could never understand why I was not interested in partying, why I was not boy crazy like all my friends…
7/22/2013: Do not underestimate yourself PLEASE!!! You made the biggest step of following dreams. Youre gonna struggle a bit, but the feeling of doing what you love will outweigh the doubt and fear. Pursue it and jump in with both feet.
7/24/2013: You are strong, beautiful and PLEASE do not let anyone or anything make you feel any different

7/24/2013: I still have so many questions about me and I’m finally starting to just be okay with that. .. Sometimes I have a bad day, or don’t know my purpose and feel a little lost… One issue that Im still battling is being accepting to crying. I always taught that to cry means I am being overly-sentimental etc., and I guess I’m trying to make sense of my emotions…my goal is to be spiritually content with ‘me’. Sometimes I wake up feeling worthless or pointless, and those thoughts mixed with my conscience telling me I’m being overly dramatic… Maybe I overanalyze everything too, I’m unsure if that’s just me or if it is a part of growing up. I have a lot of questions …(I) believe that it is wrong to cry…being so over-analytical of life, I forgot to have fun. I forgot how important it is just to be care-free and just be!
7/24/2013:I have little to no experience with guys. I dont know why but I am just not very boy crazy, nor was I ever boy crazy …When I was 17, I even remember questioning myself, after my mom questioned me (*about the possibility of being gay), because I started asking myself, ‘do I even like guys?’

11/20/2013:… It has been an entire five months since my mother’s car has been down.… I thought that if I give her all of the child support from my father that it would help our situation but it has not… I do not like to constantly mention all I do, but you know how parents say ‘ I have sacrificed a lot?’ So have I. My mom sacrifices SOOO much…I feel myself becoming very bitter as a result… Sometimes it feels like we will be financially struggling forever, and it becomes depressing. I sure hope there is a reason why I am experiencing all of this. College is the only way for me to be happy… For me a successful career equals financial stability, which in turn yields happiness.

7/18/2014: So, this guy Alex is interesting… I mean that is what he did; not respond to the message, but randomly message me on this site… He also doesnt reply to messages but I ‘ll see that hes online. …Update!!!! Hes a cruel jerk! He NEVER liked me! … I found out later that he didnt even know who i was… … when i asked him what exactly are your intentions, he said i sounded like a mad housewife! I was so hurt
7/22/2014: My friends convinced me to give online dating a shot this summer. ..Me being picky, I ignored riff-raff. One guy who messaged me REALLY caught my eye…We chatted about EVERYTHING for a month. The only issue was he had this once a day response limit going…. wished he’d apeak to me more frequently. Anywho, I eventually got fed up w his once a day shenanigans and completely deleted POF, …Is he even into me or is this sone type of silly game? (* “games, games, games” title of a previous thread about a guy) Should i message him? Like, I dont understand. …Im 21 (*a year before she wrote she was 18, should be 19, not 21)

12/4/2014: So I’m talking to this guy and everything seem to be going very well…I sent the wrong text to him…He insisted on me telling him how man guys I talked to (* 5) After that, he said “okay. Well I would rather talk to someone that more than 20% focus on me… Adios” … When you first begin dating, it is actually normal to entertain the company of more than one person, especially if you are not intimate with them. My belief is, unless you and someone plan to start a serious relationship, he or she is entitled to speaking with someone else.

6/1/2015: Ive been using online dating for a little over a year now… I misled someone… Actually a few guys… I just hurt a great guy’s feelings, and I am not proud of this. I want to be a better person…I have grown accustomed to the attention I receive from these men, and have gone to overboard with it.

7/5/2015: I met a guy online… there’s guy #2..we’ve met. Things are shaky with guy #2 sometimes. A part of me wants to fall back and leave them both alone…
10/4/2015: I went on a date with a guy… he didnt have a lot to say. I tried to initiate the typical first date conversation, but he would only respond and then say nothing. At that point, I thought. ” oh great! another socially inept guy who wants to torture me with his silence on an already awkward first date… After the date, he told me that he enjoyed it…I sent a text to see how he was doing. He insisted that we link up for pool and dinner. I agreed. Sunday comes and I tell him that we hadnt agreed on a time… Guess what he says, ” Im sorry, but my cousin is in town …. My mom was with me at the time, and she is the reason I gave him a second chance. She assured me that sometimes this can happen and that I should be patient. My gut instinct told me that he’s just a boring fool… He was apologetic, but I could care less. I forgave him and asked that he please communicate effectively in the future and he says okay… This morning, I never got a time confirmation from him or ANYTHING. I was livid, but remained patient. I texted him asking if we are on or not. Unfortunately, I have already made up my mind… am I wrong to ditch the boring turtle?

11/16/2015: My dating life has become very… Alive, I guess. I spent seven months getting to know the man of my dreams (* no mention of a man-of-her-dreams a month before). Im 21(* 20, acc to my count)… I had such a good feeling about him and we hit it off almost instantly…. We had an argument– a passionate one about two artists. I liked him from then on. I initially thought he was so ..Never have I had a connection with someone, as i did with him…… Hes explained to me, how our connection has been something hes seeked, but could not find and I feel the same way. That seven months x bliss ended as a result of my poor decisions. This has ruined my chances of winning him back.

10/16/2016: My ex broke up with me 10months ago after dating for nine months. During the breakup I started becoming very sick and have been up until now. He just contacted me out of the blue a month and a half ago…He texted me as well and I ignored it. Then, he called from a different number and I picked up, not knowing it was him. I told him i hope all was well and told him i needed to get off the phone, but he allegedly wanted to check up on me…Ever since, hes been randomly texting me and saying inappropriate things, like randomly asking what Im wearing or saying rude things which seemed odd considering that was not a tone he never took with me… he wasnt being this way to me before. I dont want any conflict; i just want to know a way to tell i dont want to hear from again because he keeps being hurtful

12/5/2016: My bf and I spent time together last weekend. During this time we got into it quite a bit…When I got home, I removed my ego from the problem and told him that I wish for us to communicate in a way, without him either of us feeling guarded…Later on the night he explained that our weekend together was stressful and draining for him… He then said he’d rather be friends. I was rocked to my core. This is a man who has said dozens of timea to marry me…. I have never been this sure about a man as I am about Justin (* same guy as a year ago, the only one serious relationship..?) and feel like he’s giving up after our first rough patch. What’s so odd is, him and I have already been thru hell and back as a couple and we fought for each other, yet one weekend of trivial arguments is a make or break for him?”

End of quotes. What can I learn (developed as I type): in your first post you wrote, at 18: “I have so many questions, as to why I am the way I am.” I was hoping that you will attend to your questions, over time, and look for answers. To my surprise, I did not detect any such efforts in the coming years of posting.

You mentioned not being “boy crazy” early on. Yet the later posts were all about boys/ young men. But no learning I could detect throughout the online dating experience or during the one serious relationship, the one with Justin.

A clue to lack of learning: you don’t feel comfortable with crying, thinking you are oversensitive or dramatic. You overanalyze. This is telling me you don’t have adequate access to your emotions as indicators of who you are and what reality is, and therefore how to interact with the outside.

You do not lack intelligence, and most people do not lack intelligence- we have enough of it to live a much better life. It is the Emotions, oh, so very often, the emotions we don’t access. Without access, we are quite clueless as we proceed mindlessly in our lives, sort of observing ourselves from the outside, wondering why and how, as if not in charge, as if strangers to our own selves.

We simply can’t be what we were at the beginning and what we can still become, without that access to our emotions.

anita