Boyfriend Of 6 Years Dumped Me

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This topic has 5 replies, 4 voices, and was last updated 10 years, 10 months ago by Nia.

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January 26, 2014 at 4:28 pm #49768

Carmen
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Sorry in Advance for the Late Post:

Hi Everyone, I’m a newbie to this site, and I’m glad I found it because I feel that I’m going to get honest and caring answers 🙂
Anyway, My boyfriend and I have been dating for 6 years of course there was arguments and ups and downs, that comes with any relationship, but two weeks ago I saw a dramatic change. My boyfriend started to become distant, he wouldn’t respond to my calls, texts and he completely withdrawled.
We did get into a little petty argument over him excessively playing video games with friends and I of course expressed my feelings towards it, but it was nothing that would cause a break up. So I let him have his space all week and Saturday he finally answered the phone and I asked what’s going on? Is the distance indicating that you want to be single? He said several times, I’ll talk to you later, but I didn’t want to talk later (yes, I’m that girl) I wanted answers right then and I felt that I deserved one after walking around like a lost puppy not knowing what’s going on. So in result he basically said YES SINCE YOU DON”T WANT TO TALK LATER, it killed me. We didn’t talk Sunday, but he texted me Monday morning apologizing saying he never wanted to break up and he’s sorry for being a jerk, ” I’m too good for him” you know the typical apology, and asked for forgiveness. I wanted to make him wait, as he did me so I didn’t reply until Friday (Which I regret). I thought we would be able to exchange the “I love you’s and move forward but that didn’t happen. He explained how much he loved me, but gave me the “you deserve better bit” I hope you find your prince charming, and said he was very confused because he didn’t know if he was making the right decision. I told him how I felt by saying if you want to work things out say that, but if you don’t then let it be, because now I feel like my feelings are being played with. He didn’t respond to me until the next morning(Saturday) and the text went: I’m sorry for making you feel that way, but I think we should just end it, it’s too much for me. So that was it, we officially broke up. I felt that it was coming by his text messages, but I never thought we would really break up. He talked about marriage, children having a future together. Just that past Sunday we had a romantic dinner and everything was pure Bliss, then all of sudden he changed on me. Some people are saying don’t look at this as the end, maybe more of a break. But when your’e in love, it kinda feels like the end, but at the same time it doesn’t. If you were to see us walking down the street you would be like wow, they are so in love, because its true. He got really emotional about it, and he did say that he’s been “going through” some things. But I never thought that he would really break up with me. Also, I wanted to know has anyone dealt with something like this, and then a few weeks later was proposed to? Some people are also saying that he may be having cold feet and running from commitment because of how strong we are, and where we could be heading.

All advice would be great!
Thanks 🙂

January 26, 2014 at 5:12 pm #49773
Mark
Participant
Hi Carmen,
I am sorry about your pain. You did not share your age and your bf’s age but I suspect you two are in your 20s.

I know love at that age is different later on in life when we have more life experience, wisdom, and time to reflect.

I know that romantic, goo-goo eye love is different from the love that has “legs.” What I mean is that love is a verb where we deal with loving ourselves and not depending on the other to validate our own selves. Mature love comes when we know ourselves and are willing to own our wounds. Love is self reflection rather than blame.

It does take someone who is willing to walk hand-in-hand through life knowing we each have work to do to really, truly love. In the meantime, we give each other grace and understanding. I value a partner who owns their shit, taking responsibility for their part of the argument (i.e. no blame, just willingness to work things out), and to know each of us has our own crap keeps us from fully trusting and to be totally intimate (emotionally, spiritually).

I value that more than romance.

I do sense you need this reassurance from him. I invite you to be your own person and not requiring validation from a lover/partner in order to be OK with him relaxing/hanging out with friends, i.e. having Guy time. Remember not everyone processes or thinks like you. . You said you are “that girl.” If you want to be able to have a relationship then let go of what you demand as the only way of communicating. Some people may need time and space before they can respond. They need time to process and think. Shaming someone into apologizing to you does not work out in the long run.

Each of you play a part in this. I suggest you own up to your part with him. It seems that you are demanding certain assurances or behavior from him. Look at what part you have played in your interactions with him and be honest about it. I would think if you are honest with your fears, insecurities, and thoughts then you two can be more honest with each other and hence a basis of a more solid relationship.

Mark
- This reply was modified 10 years, 10 months ago by Mark.
January 26, 2014 at 5:29 pm #49775

Carmen
Participant

It sure does, thanks!

January 26, 2014 at 11:29 pm #49790

Lily
Participant

Mark,

Absolutely brilliant! That is just the best description of the kind of foundation real love should be based on. It is hard to get there, two people need to travel together to get there (and they might be starting at different points). Owing our shit, working on our wounds and not seeking the other to fix or heal it is SO important.

But I just wanted to thank you for sharing that. As a single 30yr old, I think this is something I need to paste on my forehead – it is so easy to get swallowed in by the need for a partner and romance and all that. And you reminded me that there is a much bigger plan and work there to do – constantly working on ourselves, appreciating the differences while growing stronger together. This and this alone should guide single people while seeking a partner.

Lily.

January 26, 2014 at 11:44 pm #49791

Mark
Participant

Thank you for that acknowledgment. There is the theory and then there is the actual practice. When I say practice, it is just that. We are all practicing. It’s an ongoing mindful process.

Mark

January 29, 2014 at 2:06 am #49924

Nia
Participant

Hi Carmen!

I agree with Mark on this one. Taking responsibility for one’s own self is very important in relationships. Otherwise, there will be unhealthy dependence on the other person. That never really turns out too well.

Thank you Mark for the strong candid words. It made laugh and more than that, I was assured that the recent decision I made was absolutely right.

Much love,

Nia
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