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Boundaries on Talking about Sex

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  • June 12, 2022 at 12:15 pm #402315
    V
    Participant

    So, a couple of days ago, something happened that made me think that I want to set some boundaries with my friends on certain topics. We were all talking and sitting together when out of the blue a friend asked me (let’s call him H) “What type of porn do I prefer”. I immediately became uncomfortable inside, but because I didn’t want to seem like a prude and closed off, I replied that I don’t really watch that and enjoy erotic/romantic literature. It was a teasing conversation, and they began saying shockingly that “Have I ever watched porn? You are 21 years old. There is no need to lie here” and stuff like that. In reality, I had tried porn a few times om the rare occasion and I am still figuring out how I feel about that. I am still discovering what I like sexually (I do identify as a heterosexual female) and sex had been a taboo topic when I was growing up, so I am slowly opening myself to that world.

    I just didn’t feel comfortable admitting that out loud to others in that group of friends, you know. Now that I think about it, I think I felt ashamed and embarrassed that I indulged in porn because I don’t think I am entirely comfortable using that form, although I am still reflecting on that. My friends teased me on that topic and I closed off that conversation pretty quickly saying that it was none of their business in a fun way to not ruin the vibe of the room.

    I thought about on what had happened and came to one of the realizations that my sexual experiences are something that I am still discovering and exploring and I am not yet comfortable sharing those intimate details with others (especially in a group). I am going to set my boundaries on this topic with my friends and just close down the conversation sternly when someone asks me something that makes me uncomfortable the next time. I don’t want to talk about something if I feel I am not ready to discuss those because they very personal and sensitive to me. I can and have talked about sex in general with my girlfriends, but I feel there are some things that I don’t feel comfortable sharing because I am still processing and discovering them.

    That is okay right? I have never come across such a situation. I don’t have to share everything with friends? Setting boundaries on some things with some of my good friends is normal/fine? I think I just wanted to write on this topic here and see what other thoughts are there.

    Thank you for reading and replying in advance <3

    June 12, 2022 at 12:44 pm #402317
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear V:

    Of course it is okay to refuse to talk about porn or about sex in general.. or about ANY topic you don’t feel comfortable talking about. You have no duty to please other people by talking about topics you don’t want to talk about! Personally, in regard to porn, I think that it’s disgusting and I wish the porn industry did not exist.

    anita

    June 12, 2022 at 7:31 pm #402325
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear V:

    I was in a rush when I answered you here previously, so I want to answer more attentively this time.

    “We were all talking and sitting together when out of the blue a friend asked me (let’s call him H) ‘What type of porn do I prefer’…  they began saying shockingly that ‘… You are 21 years old. There is no need to lie here” and stuff like that… I closed off that conversation pretty quickly saying that it was none of their business” -excellent job closing the conversation and telling them that it’s none of their  business!

    If you shared with them any of your thoughts about your sexual preference or porn preference from the little that you watched (so to feel like part of the group, to appear cool, etc.), that would have become public information within the group and soon after, it would have become public information outside the group because people gossip, especially about sexual topics. With the presence of high tech phones, you could have been unknowingly recorded, and what you shared could have spread online.

    Even if the people in the group you mentioned had no intention to record you or harm you, sexual conversations are so entertaining and enticing to many or most young people, that they can hardly keep such information to themselves: it’s too tempting to share such with others, aka gossip, especially when drinking because inhibitions are lowered.

    So, never share any sexual details, be it thoughts, imagination or otherwise to a group of people, no matter how friendly they may be at any one time.  Such sharing should take place in a 1-to-1 context with a trustworthy individual who is not in the habit of gossiping (!)- not in a group context (and definitely not online)!

    “I don’t have to share everything with friends?” – no, not with anyone. Before sharing anything, on any topic, ask yourself: if I share this, can I be harmed? Can another person be harmed? And if the answer is Yes… do not share.

    anita

    December 1, 2022 at 9:27 pm #411083
    LemonTree
    Participant

    Dear V

    Agree with Anita and she is definitely right about that. You should not doubt your instinct. If it doesn’t feel right to you, then don’t do it.

    I find that in this forum, by discussing our ideas, it actually helps me to reflect on my own experiences as well.

    I would like to add that we have to understand that people are on a “spectrum” (say, a scale of 1-10, with 1 being the most “conservative”, and 10 being the most “redical”). I guess the majority of the group, in your case, will score “higher” on this scale.

    There is no right or wrong about it.

    I would say that I am comfortable with discussing the type of porn that I like, and even some of the things that are normally  “personal” e.g. what would you prefer to do in the “intimate” scenes – I have no problems with that.

    I can proudly say that I am a bisexual and my partner knows it as well.

    I have discussed it in social settings with friends that I know and ones that I don’t know that well. It can be embarrassing, however, it is such a great relief that I have shared some of the things that had been troubling me as well.

    They can use it against me if they want. I wouldn’t be affected by that, as I don’t think there is anything wrong with it. It is more of a reflection of their character, that they would use such things against you.

    I do not intend to run in the presidential election nor am I a public figure, and I trust that the friends that I share this to will not use it against me. But if they do, I am quite determined to cut them off from my life PERMANENTLY. They are aware of that. I do not have any tolerance for people that go against me and I suggest that they don’t cross the line.

    It is normal for some people to need a lot of it, and there is nothing wrong with people who do not need it (and do not want to talk about it at all).

    You are absolutely right. You do not have to talk about that with your friends. You have the right to remain silent on things that you don’t want to talk about.

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