fbpx
Menu

Boundaries…

Home→Forums→Relationships→Boundaries…

New Reply
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • March 30, 2014 at 11:24 am #53812
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Hello Everyone,

    Being a recovering codependent, boundaries have always been my biggest issue. I don’t even have personal boundaries. I am in a new relationship which is long distance for now. It makes me uncomfortable that i have allowed myself to be in another LDR situation. My last serious relationship was my first long distance relationship which ended very badly. Although, I see that the crumble of the last relationship was a blessing in disguise, I find myself repeating the same mistakes over and over again. I am a little more aware of myself now then i was a year ago. With meditation and mindfulness, i am holding myself up better but i am having a real hard time with this relationship.

    See him and I are very different people. Stubbornness is one of the biggest commonality between us. I find it really hard to stay in my business and not judge him for small things he does. for example, he is not spiritual and doesn’t listen to his body when he is out with his friends. His relationship with his friends is like the show Friends. there are no boundaries in their relationships. Everything they do is with each other. Its a big group of people with all the ex girlfriends and boyfriends joining in the group after the relationship is over. I know I am having a hard time with it cause I don’t see him interacting with his friends in person. He keeps telling me that when I move to his country, Ill see that things are different. Ill see that he doesn’t have to drink to extend of having a bad hangover next day. In my 30s, I look at weekends as a reward for my hard work during the week. Although, I occasionally nurse a hangover, i make mindful decisions to always cut myself off before getting to that point night before. He is also in his mid 30s but cutting himself off seems not be an option especially with his friends in unhealthy, unhappy relationships.

    here is the reason for this forum. I really like this man and he is very funny, caring and loving, but where can i learn to draw a line? I want to learn to stay in my business. i want to no longer pick on every little thing he does. He asked me yesterday “can i do anything that is good enough for you?” that cut through my heart like a knife. I have heard those words before from my past boyfriends. He is right. I can’t seem to ever be satisfied with myself or him. I have been meditating all day today. Giving Metta to myself. All i want from you all is to send me loving kindness to get through this rough patch.

    your stumbling sister

    S

    March 30, 2014 at 2:59 pm #53820
    cherrymom
    Participant

    All you can do is be honest and authentic in stating your boundaries and hard limits. It is up to him to either follow what you have suggested, or not. You can’t make him do anything at all. Find peace in yourself, and work on yourself. And always remember the only person in the world you have any control over is yourself. Part of setting boundaries is deciding whether you need to let go of someone that does not respect your boundaries.

    March 30, 2014 at 8:28 pm #53844
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Everyone is unique and we need to accept our difference. There is another thing that is common between you guys beyond the stubbornness though 🙂

    ” You want to be with each other and make your relationship work, despite the distance. ”

    I know that sometimes his ways may confuse you and its troubling not to know what he’s actually up to. LDRs are difficult and it gets harder when you are struggling with yourself. The more you are dissatisfied with yourself, the more you’ll be troubled with people and their “faults”.

    On a very fundamental level, he wants to make you happy but he cant change his basic socializing needs just to do that. In his own time, he too may make way for a healthier life-style but everyone’s path is different. Respect his ways though you may not agree with them sometimes.

    You may not like some of his choices but as an individual, he has the right not to take your advice as much as you have the right not to necessarily live with his ways. That doesnt mean he doesnt value your insight though. Believe me, the worst thing you can do to a guy is try to keep “fixing” him according to what you think is best for him. That is why constantly finding faults with someone is so damaging to any relationship. Think of his feelings too.

    Good luck!

    March 30, 2014 at 10:17 pm #53855
    Sapnap3
    Participant

    Thank you cherrymom. I appreciate the words of wisdom.

    Thank you jess. Funny thing is that when I did metta meditation and walked outside for a bit, I realized what you just said. He has his journey and I have mine. I have caused so much emotional harm to myself and my loved ones when I use to drink beyond my bodily limits. With love for myself and my body, I am making healthy choices after learning the hard way. When I picked a fight with him the other day, I didn’t acknowledge the fact that he is cutting himself off. Granted, the cut off came a beer too late but he is trying. All we can do is try.
    I am going to be my best self in this and other relationships in my life. I have to begin with my relationship with me first. Thanks for the wise words. They made my heart feel lighter.

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 4 posts - 1 through 4 (of 4 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.