Home→Forums→Relationships→Blindsided by breakup
- This topic has 32 replies, 9 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 1 month ago by
Anonymous.
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January 13, 2017 at 6:08 pm #125212
Anonymous
GuestDear magnolialuloo:
His focus on your “sin” of looking into his phone serves him well in sidetracking you from the real issue which is his infidelity-in-progress with the new girl in the office. It gives him power-over-you as you wallow in unjustified guilt begging him for forgiveness.
You wrote yourself that there was weirdness before the NYE and that he himself said he moved too fast with you following his ex girlfriend.
Better not give him the power he now has over you. It is not fair to you and will not serve you well.
anita
January 14, 2017 at 7:17 am #125232Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantIt’s the next day now. I am still overwhelmed with guilt about the whole situation and beating myself up about it. Maybe I’m too naïve to believe that there are people in the world that will tell you that you mean the world and the then the next week pick up and leave
January 14, 2017 at 7:44 pm #125269Sara
ParticipantI think Anita’s advice is well-worth listening to. He’s putting a lot of energy into what looks to be a huge smokescreen. You are describing your actions with great remorse. That’s normal when you make an honest mistake and inadvertantly hurt somebody you love. Slamming somebody with platitudes about how they can no longer trust you… right or wrong… that’s an odd way to treat a loved one.
When I get emotionally overwhelmed and struggle to make sense of things, I like to re-imagine the event… only I switch roles. I would pretend you are him and he is you and run the scenario again. Do the events make sense in this version? Does something jump out like a red flag or a clear bell of truth?
Not everybody values clarity and truth to the same degree. Do not destroy your heart by pairing yourself with somebody who does not share your same definition of the things that are important to you.
January 14, 2017 at 10:54 pm #125283XenopusTex
ParticipantWhy does this remind me of the “hacking” scandal with the US political parties this year? Exact same tactic: attack the supposed source as opposed to dealing with the content of the material. In all likelihood, there is truth to your suspicions, and here is the reason I say that: when you can’t address the material, you look for supposed faults in how it was obtained, or similar. It’s a classic “magician” trick to get the audience to take its collective focus elsewhere. It’s a classic trick in trials to try to get the jury to focus on unimportant things and to miss the damning material. Be especially cautious if you ask him about wiping his phone, and he responds with “like with a soft cloth.”
January 15, 2017 at 11:28 am #125306Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantThe feelings of guilt are so strong. I feel completely responsible for ruining my relationship. I feel like I hurt someone that I love and it’s tearing me apart.
January 15, 2017 at 12:02 pm #125310Anonymous
GuestDear magnolialuloo:
Three people replied to you on this thread, I am one of the three respondents and this is the second time I am replying. On your two posts following my reply and other replies, you did not mention any of the respondents, neither did you attend to any part of the responses to your share. Nothing.
This is making me wonder if you are able to correspond with others; if in the relationship you are sharing about, if you ignored him like you ignored me and the two other respondents here on your thread…?
anita
January 15, 2017 at 12:20 pm #125313Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantIt was not my intent to ignore you. I think I just don’t know the nuances of this site just yet. I am brand new. I truly appreciate your kind words.
January 15, 2017 at 12:29 pm #125314Anonymous
GuestDer magnolialuloo:
The nuances of this site allow for you to read the responses to your sharing and evaluate if there is something to consider in these responses. You are welcome to do that!
anita
January 15, 2017 at 12:37 pm #125315Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantI have read what you said over and over just to try to make sense of things. No matter how many friends, family members, and strangers on the internet tell me that this is not my fault, I keep the blame on myself. Maybe I am putting too much emphasis on the “what could have been” if I didn’t look in the phone and had communicated my suspicions to him directly.
January 15, 2017 at 12:56 pm #125328Anonymous
GuestDear magnolialuloo:
It is possible that you have a deep belief that you are guilty, from a long time ago, long before this past relationship. Maybe when you were a child a parent blamed you for things you were not guilty for, but you believed the parent. And from then on, whenever someone blames you, you automatically feel guilty, you automatically believe you are guilty and it is all your fault.
Problem is sometimes it is not your fault, or not ALL your fault.
Am I correct in what I wrote on the first paragraph here?
anita
January 15, 2017 at 4:14 pm #125345Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantTo be honest with you the words that you wrote in the first paragraph have been the ones that have been able to get me through this situation. Particularly the line about him Side tracking me and putting all the blame on me. I think the bottom line is is that I caught him and instead of taking the blame he’s running away. In the long run he wouldn’t of been a good partner anyway because true maturity is when you can take responsibility for your own actions.
January 15, 2017 at 6:24 pm #125354Anonymous
GuestDear magnolialuloo:
I agree: “true maturity is when you can take responsibility for your own actions.”
He did wrong, you found out, and he responded by blaming you for finding out. It is a common tactic. It almost work for him: he is guilty yet YOU feel guilty; he did wrong, yet YOU apologize! He did wrong yet you beg him to forgive you- this is absurd.
Sometimes we get confused by our feelings. In this case, you FEEL guilty (or did in the past) but you are not guilty. Don’t let him manipulate you.
anita
January 16, 2017 at 6:56 am #125396Lindsay Harrington
ParticipantHe came and got his things while I was away over the weekend. Didn’t leave a note didn’t say anything just took his stuff and left. I think with this really teaches me is that you don’t really know someone until things get hard. Up until this moment we had never had a fight or disagreement.
January 16, 2017 at 7:16 am #125399Poppyxo
ParticipantAs hard as this is, see this as a lucky escape!
That you didn’t get him to move in with you etc, he put the ball in motion, not you.The first thing about forgiving someone is when they can agree and acknowledge too what they have done wrong, and make amends by saying sorry, explaining the situation and generally opening up etc.. if they cannot do this, they do not deserve to be a part of your life, unless this is something you don’t mind putting up with of course!
Agree with everything everyone else has said on here though, keep your head strong, there are lots of articles on here for grieving, understanding where and why you are where you are etc 🙂
January 16, 2017 at 9:55 am #125421Anonymous
GuestDear magnolialuloo:
This relationship belongs in your past, I believe. Use what you learned, that “you don’t really know someone until things get hard” in your future relationship/s. What a relief it is, is it not, to put this relationship in the past knowing you are avoiding lots of future misery?
anita
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