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Jade.
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October 8, 2013 at 5:09 am #43416
SassypantsParticipantI was awoken last night by a text from my ex wishing me a happy birthday. It through me for a loop. Just to rehash, he and I dated for 7 years. It was a toxic relationship. It ended this past summer. I care about him, but have started dating someone else and can’t go back to him, it was horrible. Receiving this text made me very anxious.
He stated:
Happy Birthday, I wish you an awesome day. You could of reciprocated the contact I have made. (I chose not to respond to emails he wrote,) I was hoping you would of because there were things needed to be smoothed out and addressed. There is a time and place for everything and I was hoping you would of been open to that ave with the passing time. It seems you shut the door on reality when I only gave the impression (don’t know what he meant) Life. Well it’s an on going process, it’s never easy moving on. Letting time do its thing. I’m not as good as you. It was real to me. I careI responded, with the truth about how his text made me anxious and thank you. Why does his text make me feel like I’m doing something wrong and that I’m guilty of something? Does it mean I moved on too quick?
I recently read this old email from him the other day too, which subsided with me:
So back to both of us being different…love, true love…is not meant for you…your in the wrong arena. You need something shallow inside, plain on the outside in order to be happy. All you know is to throw skin around in a relationship. You know there are plenty of suitors…millions more than willing. And your great at giving so much to others too. But to me, well, you know how that boring story goes. How soon will you have someone elses penis in your mouth? how soon from when you date The many different people will it happen? how soon? How soon will you f*$%? Sad sad sad. I promise you Brooklyn, I will not reach down when your drowning in filth. That’s all you know. you cannot be a woman and not do that for a long time. Not weeks, not months, I’m talking about a long time.
Well, once again, this is the end, Miss Brook-ayhole,Hurtful, right? Just trying to cope with these emotions I got from his text and now second guessing myself. I have to be strong.
October 8, 2013 at 7:10 am #43428
MattParticipantSassy,
His words are garbage, throw them out! Jealousy, judgment, codependent hooks, blah blah. Its trash. Buddha taught that when someone brings us a present of filth, we do not have to accept it. The visual I got was pigpen from the Peanuts gang/Snoopy cartoons. Some people have a cloud around them, and that cloud oozes out into their words and actions. Its them and their crap, and has nothing to do with us. Not that we’re perfect, we have our own stuff to erode, work on and break through, but it is OK to let other people’s words remain about them.
In my opinion, perhaps the reason the text brought anxiety is because he told you that you have a need you didn’t address. As though you have an obligation to the relationship to continue to dance with him until he is satisfied. That is simply not the case… its a form of drunken boxing, codependent hooking. You moved on, that’s enough. You owe no explanation or response. He may weep and wail and tell you you’re trite and ugly, but whatever his temper tantrum brings you, there is no obligation, no need on your side to do anything with his bullshit words.
Consider that his hook is perhaps an attempt to get you to open your heart to him again, to help him validate his side of things. That’s not your business, and Buddhism often speaks of “doing no harm”. Even though you may still have some warm feelings for him as a person (which is common, normal and usual, and does not indicate a mistake or “what if”) to reengage with those hooks has a lot of potential to suck both of you back into unhealthy spinning.
Said differently, if he says “you need to talk to me, you did bad things by not talking to me, you only care about sex” it isn’t truth. Its meaningless. He may as well be saying “the sky is green, the world is flat, and you only care about oranges.” Dust from his cloud. Its OK and good to let it go, ignore the hook. He has neither the authority nor wisdom to dictate such things, it doesn’t make them true. Namaste, sister, I hope your birthday is full of magic, love and light.
With warmth,
MattOctober 9, 2013 at 3:44 am #43464
Joanna WarwickParticipantDear Sassy,
Happy birthday – remember birthdays are about the day you were born into YOUR life – your one special life and your limited time to live it as full as you want as the woman you want to be and I hope love and care for….
When people are hurt they say mean things – let it go… walk away..
Time and space will give you new perspective and let the wound heal…
He doesn’t want closure – ( he was having a tantrum) and he wants to keep you in some little drama game with him – it keeps the relationship going ~ this is not bad or good, its just sadly what people do when they haven’t matured.
Let it go…. his stuff not yours….
You are fabulous – you just need to know it and find it in yourself..turn your attention to people and experiences which make you feel pleasure, joy and sparkly and let them fill you up with loving energy…
There are gorgeous loving men out there and they will find you when you love yourself, as though every day is your birthday!
Much love
Jox
http://www.rediscoverthemagic.comOctober 9, 2013 at 8:42 am #43473
BarbaraParticipantHi Sassy !
Happy belated Birthday 🙂 I hope you had a lovely time.
I agree with everything Matt said, words of wisdom indeed – do not take those words to be of any meaning, and let them hook you.
You must be so proud of the progress you have made. I’m so glad you have moved on and are finding your own happiness. You are on your own beautiful path, and going back into the cycle, and onto the roundabout again would be counterproductive, as It seems you have gone beyond him , and beyond the relationship – and onto brighter pastures !
Wishing you many blessings on your Birthday,
Barbs xx.
October 9, 2013 at 5:56 pm #43548SassypantsParticipantThank you Matt, Jo and Barb. You made realize what’s important. Thank you for the birthday wishes and kind words. I appreciate it.
October 10, 2013 at 12:28 pm #43580SassypantsParticipantSo on the day of my birthday I received flowers at my work with a note, not knowing who it was from. I found out today they were from my ex. Never in 7 years did he send me flowers when we were together, why now?
He sent me a text today that said: At the end of the day, you have to live with yourself… I hope you’re doing what ” you” want to do. I won’t message you anymore. The disconnect is obvious. You know what I’m about, you know what’s important to me in life and what truly matters. You know where I’m at. I hope you like the flowers I sent you for your birthday. The weather yesterday put a smile on my face. It was cold and raining for a while. A fresh breath of air. It can’t rain all the time.
I don’t know how to respond… confused and anxious. ???
October 10, 2013 at 1:38 pm #43583
JadeParticipantHappy belated birthday!!
I feel like this person is not only ignoring your boundaries regarding contact and communication, but they are also using a little emotional manipulation to make you think YOU are the one who made a mistake in ending the relationship, when in fact you are growing and changing and discovering what makes you happy. His actions are meant to cause you confusion because they are unreliable and out of the ordinary. Focus on the life you have created for yourself and the wonderful advice Matt gave. 😀
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