Simrem,

No one on here can really tell you what you need to do. I want to first say, you sound like you have put up with a lot of manipulation by this man. Im ashamed myself by reading this, because I can see some his own behavior towards you with how I treated my ex, not quite to the level your husband is engaged in though.

Im a big fan of “acceptance” of peoples flaws and faults. However we as good partners should also be working to minimize how they negatively affect the relationship. I dont believe in cart blanch acceptance that has to be carried on one side. Sounds like he’s expecting you do carry that weight all alone.

Im concerned with this side relationship, and think your statement “He treated her as someone precious while I was taken for granted, as if I was not important. I am slowly moving on.” hits the nail right on the head. I think at this point you need to start asking yourself what is it that you deserve out of a marriage. I admire your courage and commitment to working on things. However, you know was well as I do, it takes two people who really want it. I will leave the judgement of whether he has shown the desire to do his part up to you. He is his own person and you will never be able to change his mind, I see you have tried to be encouraging and hopeful, but you cant carry that for both of you. If he’s not in it, than he needs to be out, be man enough to make that call and let you go on your way.

Have you been going to counseling by yourself? I think you should pose some of these question to an LMFT. There are a lot of your own things going that may be making you stay in this unhealthy dynamic. I think getting to the bottom of them, may free you from what is keeping you stuck. Getting some sense of empowerment to be selfish for a minute, stand up for your boundaries and absolutely demand better for your life, with or without him in it.

I dont have many married friends, so giving advice to someone when there is a marriage and children involved isnt something I understand the unique complications of. Ultimately, you will never be any good for those children if you arent being good to yourself. If this man’s influence in your life has you ragged and at the end of their rope, perhaps look at it from that point of view?

When we reach a crossroads, the decision to go left or right, and not being able to see over the rise to know what lay ahead and considering all we have that we are carrying with us can be scary. You dont trust yourself to make the correct choice, so you seek validation to ease the burden of this decision thus you post here! However sometimes you reach a point where anywhere is better than where you are at, so you begin to walk regardless. Ultimately it is your own choice and one that needs to be made by you. I probably was no help at all, but hopefully what I have said maybe started some wheels turning, that werent in motion before.