Home→Forums→Relationships→Betrayal, Regret & Incertainty
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August 17, 2018 at 8:45 am #221893
NanaParticipantHello Tiny Buddhist,
I have here a little story regarding my current relstionship with my boyfriend that involves betrayal, regret and uncertainty. I would greatly appreciate some advice. I will try make it short and details will be listed down below.
Two months ago my boyfriend broke up with me, he immediatly had a rebound with some girl he met prior to our break up. However this girl was not from his university, she was an erasmus student so their “affair” lasted for about two weeks and a half since she had to return home. Two dayd after she left he went to a party with a group of friends, got himself wasted and made out with another girl. His best friend told him that he was going to regret it but my boyfriend was so intoxicated to be aware of his actions.
The next day he messaged the erasmus girl what he did and she was obviously hurt. Later towards the evening my boyfriend met up with me and confessed everything. I was completely shattered! The immense pain was so unbareable and I wanted to take away my life.
I eventually forgave him and took him back one week after his confession. It felt weird because he wanted me back but it was as though he was not putting effort or thoughts into reuniting again. Fast forward to the present, we have managed to rekindle the sparks that we have lost weeks before the break up. But I have huge feelings of resentment because of what he did, regret that I took him back and soo soon, uncertainty because I don’t know how this relationship will turn out to be because I leave soon for a six month internship abroad.
After taking a step back and overanalazing (like I always do) the past, this erasmus girl I believe had a crush on him, and she was hoping they could/would maybe start something serious together in the near future. He however, was merely attracted to her physically. He told me he was only “flirting” with her but I believe there is more to it. Dating him for two years allowed me to see his flaws, he is young, insecure, immature, naive, nonchalant, sometimes short tempered, doesn’t know how to manage stress. I believe he doesn’t know how to be alone, and his insecurities always gets the best of him. He once told me that if we break up he will have a hard time finding someone else, other girls might probably not want him. Stuff like that. But this guy is not a bad guy to an extreme point, he is at heart a very good guy. When is in love he showers me with a lot of affection.
They still talk from time to time, but bothers me a bit. He told him they agreed to stay friends so everything is just on friendly terms, but he doesn’t know how to communicate or reassure people in any kind of situation. Like a mature adult, he doesn’t know how to have a one on one discussion, he’d rather not talk about it.
I wonder if when they talk do they still feel some sort of “thrill”. I wonder if she still has feelings for him even after being hurt and if he still has some sort of attachment to her. He is however very happy in our relationship now but my trust is just no where to be found. I don’t know if this relationship is still worth it.
Advice please? If you have questions please don’t hesitate to ask, I feel like I left out details.
August 17, 2018 at 9:18 am #221903
mzzelleParticipantHello Nana – I am sorry for what you are going through and the pain you’re experiencing. I’m sure your BF is a “very good” guy, who just does bad things. My guess though, is you wrote Tiny Buddha because you can no longer hide your doubts from yourself. The veneer of your trust in him is cracking, and you don’t know where to turn. You may be looking for validation “it’s going to be fine” or maybe for courage “break up with him!” to come from someone else because you don’t trust your own feelings. My advice is to look deep, feel what you feel and make the appropriate choice. Trust yourself. Let it go.
August 17, 2018 at 9:23 am #221907
AnonymousGuestDear Nana:
You wrote: “this guy is not a bad guy to an extreme point, he is at heart a very good guy. When is in love he showers me with a lot of affection”.
All people are born good as babies and are good, loving little boys and girls. Then life happens. Some become bad people, “bad… to an extreme point” as you mentioned. Most people don’t get.. cemented in badness. Instead, they are still loving but also impulsive, like your boyfriend.
You wrote that he “doesn’t know how to manage stress”, that “he doesn’t know how to be alone”, and that “his insecurities always gets the best of him”. What these mean is that trusting him would be very unwise. Not because he is a bad person by intent or malice, but because he is very likely to hurt you when stress gets to him (and it will), when he finds himself alone, when he drinks again, and so forth.
Aiming at trusting him because he is affectionate with you at times, because you can see in his eyes that he is good, because you feel empathy for him, is not a good aim. Better aim at trusting those who are worthy of your trust.
You wrote that he “was merely attracted to her physically. He told me he was only ‘flirting’ with her”- doesn’t read honest to me. I think he is too impulsive to be able to be very honest. Sometimes he is honest, at other times he is not. Reads to me that he was trying to make you feel better suggesting to you that he was only physically attracted to her (But is it a feel-better point for you? I mean if he cheats on you in the future because he would be physically attracted to another, would that be okay with you…)
Reads to me overall that it is better for you to distant yourself from him before you get hurt again, to extricate yourself from an intimate relationship with him. What do you think/ feel?
anita
August 17, 2018 at 10:28 am #221935NanaParticipantYes! I needed to confesses it somewhere else than just my small inner circle. I needed to vent it out more. I am not feeling as much pain as I maybe should because I am more frustrated with this situation. For him everything is just great between us but it makes me aggressive when I bring the topic up and he just shuts himself down. What a pity I can’t read into people’s true intentions.
On one end I don’t want to continue this relationship in minor fear that he will go astray again and on the other end I don’t want to break up a relationshiop that could have been beautiful.
August 17, 2018 at 12:19 pm #221949AnonymousGuestDear Nana:
Regarding your fear that “he will go astray again”, there is only so much you can do to postpone that from happening: you can’t (and he won’t let you) be with him 24/7 and pay full attention to every stress he experiences and then protect him from his impulsivity.
Regarding the relationship “could have been beautiful”, it requires self control and effective communication to make it beautiful on the long run, and these two things are not his strong points.
I will be away from the computer for about sixteen hours. Feel free to post as many times as you would like. I will reply further when I am back. Other members may reply to you as well before I am back.
anita
August 22, 2018 at 1:52 pm #222601NanaParticipantLately I have been able to control my thoughts and think less about the past. But when they pop up ones in a while in my head, they really make me look at him with disgust.
He says he is very happy in the relationship now, sadly I don’t feel 100% the same way. There are times when I am with him I forgot about what he did and my other life problems, and there are times when I just have to force myself to look happy even when I feel bitter towards him.
As a Libra I find it hard to make decisions because I see opportunities in both sides. I have threatened him twice about breaking up with him and so far he is has not been reacting quiet positive to it. To sum his feelings, he just doesn’t want to get dumped. I spend a couple of moments each day to thick whether to break up or give it another chance, things have been so good between us and we have managed to regain the magic spark and the thrill. But somehow I have a war in my mind.
I don’t know how other people manage. Some will end the relationship and others fight for it, I am just lost.
August 22, 2018 at 5:31 pm #222635
maggie macParticipantNana, I want to say to you. Bless you. You sound so confused and that war in your mind is knowing things are not right or there would be no war. You said you worried about messing up what could be a beautiful relationship. You won’t. If he loves you and you love him and it is meant for you to be together nothing can pull you apart.
I think the problem is that you didn’t take any time alone to deal with the betrayal he inflicted upon you.
If possible, try to not see him for a designated amount of time where you make no contact. Give yourself time. It will also let him know that you value yourself and you will not just take him back when he does this. He will respect you more.
He might jump into another relationship because it seems this is his MO but if he loves you he won’t. He will give you the time you need to end this war and decide what is best for you.
August 23, 2018 at 8:31 am #222699AnonymousGuestDear Nana:
There is a very important and very relevant sentence in your original post: “I leave soon for a six month internship abroad”- that is, without him, correct?
If so, seems to be best for you to end this relationship so to not carry this conflict into your internship so far away. Why not have a new beginning abroad, free from this “Betrayal, Regret & uncertainty”, leaving these behind you as you settle abroad for six months?
anita
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