Thanks, ladies. Your kind words and support really mean a lot to me and have helped me to keep things in perspective and heal accordingly. I truly appreciate these forums and the kind hearted people who share their thoughts and feelings here.

S.R., Your words spoke to me so strongly that I jotted a few things in my journal: “action is a better indictor of character then words” – how true it is! My ex certainly knew the right words to say to make me feel cherished and loved, but oftentimes his actions did not align with these words. I’ve heard it said that when someone shows you who they are, believe them. We met under precarious circumstances (he was married when we first met, divorced during our time together) and I took the risk in loving him despite the “red flags”. It’s funny what we’ll look past when we’re feeling the pull of attraction and a heart mate. I thought I was different, that our relationship was one in a million. In hindsight, having this “overlap” in relationships seems to be a pattern with him. I feel sympathy and even pity for him sometimes when I realize how desperate he must be to never be alone. But I digress, that’s his life now and not for me to concern myself about. I also liked your words “How someone treats you is an indictor of their character not your value.” I think I’ve always known that at some level, but have fallen into the trap of personalizing it and feeling regret for the things I did to push him away. Truth be told, our relationship was deteriorating well before he met this other woman, though it doesn’t do much to lessen the sting of the betrayal.

Jasmine, thank you for the vote of confidence. You bring much optimism and joy to these boards.

Laura, I’m touched that you acknowledged my comments on another’s thread. I look forward to hearing more from you. You definitely have a point that this solidifies my decision to end things. It’s bittersweet, because even though my gut was telling me the whole time that things weren’t right, I wasn’t getting the whole story and that I had reason to legitimately suspect infidelity, I didn’t WANT to be right, ya know? It’s hard to take in this information and not have it cast a dark shadow over a very significant love relationship for me. The irony is that until things went off the rails with our relationship, it was the first time in a relationship where I did not feel horribly insecure and mistrustful.

Cherrymom, I feel for you and your situation. I can’t imagine having to face the situation on a daily basis. I feel enmeshed more than I want to be due to the fact one of my closest friends has business relationships with both my ex’s mom and his sister, so he’s always kind of there on the periphery and I get occasional “updates” from my well-meaning friend that I’d rather not hear. I appreciate your encouragment. I hope you learn to trust your mind and heart again too.

At the risk of being corny, I thought I’d share a poem I find meaningful in recovering from a break up:

Love After Love

The time will come
when, with elation
you will greet yourself arriving
at your own door, in your own mirror
and each will smile at the other’s welcome,

and say, sit here. Eat.
You will love again the stranger who was your self.
Give wine. Give bread. Give back your heart
to itself, to the stranger who has loved you

all your life, whom you ignored
for another, who knows you by heart.
Take down the love letters from the bookshelf,

the photographs, the desperate notes,
peel your own image from the mirror.
Sit. Feast on your life.

Derek Walcott

Thanks, Marshmallow. You speak the truth! I do know the 5 stages of grief & loss and have cycled through them during the aftermath of this relationship. I’ve ventured into “Acceptance” only to be pulled back into “Denial”, “Anger” and “Bargaining”. I think I’m in a bit of denial still. Not so much denial that the relationship is over, but denial that this man I loved with all my heart is indeed a “prick”. I feel like I’m making excuses for him in my mind, or that I’m choosing to look at him with loving kindness and forgive him for the betrayal because I can sympathize with his reasons for his behavior. Well, they’re not so much his reasons as they are what my reasons would be if I were him, if that makes sense. I think the frustrating part for me to get over is that I spent months telling him I understood, that I would not blame him if he strayed because of the awful state of our relationship and that we could work through anything together if only he would be honest. And then for him to turn around and tell me no, he hasn’t betrayed me, I’ve got it all wrong and at the same time make daily overtures to win back my affections and urge me to see a counselor with him to repair this relationship. Why go through all that? Why continue to lie, cover up and deny when your partner is telling you I GET IT, I WILL FORGIVE YOU, LET’S MOVE ON TOGETHER? It’s almost like he is in such deep denial of his own behavior that he can’t even admit it to himself, let alone me. And then to find out later that I was right all along, it’s just exhausting. It makes me lose respect for him and feel sorry for him actually, but then the anger flares up and around and around I go.

I would also be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling jealous. Even though I had my own reasons for withdrawing from the relationship long before this other woman came onto the scene, it hurts to know his focus is no longer on me. I used to be the one to light up his life, the one he was excited about. What does she have that I don’t? I know these thoughts are due to a weakened self-esteem, it’s just such a stark contrast from feeling like somebody believed the sun rose and set upon me and how quickly I can be replaced.

I just don’t want to feel like it was all for naught. What lessons did I learn through this relationship? It’s really hard to say that trusting my intuition is one of them, because how did I get myself into this mess in the first place?

As you can see, keeping things bottled up is not a problem I have, lol.