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Best friend says “family first”, “you’re disrespectful”… feeling used

Home→Forums→Relationships→Best friend says “family first”, “you’re disrespectful”… feeling used

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Viewing 8 posts - 1 through 8 (of 8 total)
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  • June 21, 2018 at 12:52 pm #213475
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Can someone please shed light on my fallout with friend? I feel used and like I’ve done something wrong. Can’t get his incident out of my head.

    Long story short, I had a best friend who was in a tough family situation (divorce, kids left alone, living at home). I supported her in whatever way I could and we talked every day and went to the same college!

    Suddenly, she started seeing someone and didn’t tell me because I’d tell “everyone in the community about their relationship” and “people will gossip” and “bad omen”. Then she moved away to new city and didn’t talk to me at all (no text, no call). She even got married and had anouther child and didn’t tell me or invite me to the wedding. The last straw was that I initiated messages to her and she would reply very vaguely to all of them. When I congratulated her on marriage/childbirth… she said “wow, who told you about that?!”. I was in a bad relationship at the time that was falling apart and she kept sending me links to blogposts entitled “how to get married” and “why you’re still not married”. I told her that I didn’t really believe in those kinds of advice blogposts and that they were pretty dumb. I reacted badly probably because I was angry over my own crappy relationship.

     

    we had a falling out. I tried talking to her after sometime to ask what happened to our friendship. She said that she didn’t want to talk to me because I thought all her opinions were dumb (not true, I only reacted badly to the blogposts). I apologized and asked why she stopped asking about my life and me. She said “my family comes first and I am so busy being a wife”, “my husband is my best friend and you are not my friend”, “I don’t trust you”.

    It really hurt because I wanted this friendship a lot and I thought it would work out. My own parents laughed at me and said “yes she was using you. She only talked to you when it was convenient for her and now that she’s got her new family situation, she doesn’t need you. All women are like that. That’s why you should get married and drop all your female friends like your mom did”.

     

    Did I do something wrong? I feel so hurt after all these years! I told her my feelings and she completely disregarded them. I don’t feel like making any new friends and feel like it’s gonna be this way all the time.

    June 22, 2018 at 5:40 am #213579
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You wrote here: “My own parents laughed at me and said: ‘yes, she was using you…All women are like that.”

    I noticed these in your various threads:

    1. You care a whole lot about what your parents say.

    2. What your parents say to you is not true to reality.

    3. Your parents have not been worthy of your trust in them while they keep telling you that everyone else is not worthy of your trust. As a result you are very suspicious of .. well, everyone.

    On this thread you wrote: “My own parents laughed at me”-well, right there, they are being rude to you.

    “…and said ‘yes she was using you. She only talked to you when it was convenient to her… All women are  like that”- most likely they use people and assume everyone else does.

    “My family says that all men are rude and will make fun of you”- all women, all men, who are you left with to trust, RedDress?

    You wrote: “my parents are critical of anyone … ‘Why is she having life problems… All she needs is a husband, then her problems will solve themselves”- but how can a rude man (and all men are rude) solve all your problems?

    And you wrote: “I don’t understand what my parents are preparing me for and am confused!” – no wonder you are confused.

    Based on their input, one cannot correctly evaluate people, relationships and situations, including the woman and situation this thread is about.

    What do you think?

    anita

    June 22, 2018 at 5:57 am #213583
    pink24
    Participant

    Hey Red Dress,

    If someone sent me blogposts of why I was not married, I’d be pissed off too. Just saying.

    Look, not all women are like your former friend. Some sure, but not all. Because of the time we’re living in, I think women are seeing more and more that we need to stick  together, and not judge each other on the basis of the content of our lives.  Your former friend doesn’t get it. Your parents don’t get it, probably because in their time women did drop all of their female friends for a family. But now, with this rising awareness and with so many women choosing to stay single or get divorced, I think that you’ll have better luck find a female friend who appreciates you and doesn’t judge you.

    Move on, girl. There are plenty of friend fish in the sea.

    Good luck 🙂

    Pink

    June 22, 2018 at 9:54 am #213643
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Hi Pink, thanks for the advice. I haven’t thought about it that way. Maybe it’s a difference in upbringing.

     

    Hi Anita! Thanks so much for taking the time to reply to my messages. I feel like you have gotten to know me more and more through my posts and I appreciate your comments. It makes me feel good to be listened to and finally get my words out.

    I share your opinion. However I don’t think my parents say these things to hurt me. I personally think that they’ve trusted the wrong people growing up, fell victim and stopped trusting people altogether. When I listen to their stories about their old friends, all they talk about is how this friend betrayed them, berated them, made fun of them, annoyed them. Yet for some reason, instead of sticking up for themselves and changing the relationship or finding new friends…they stayed! When the friendship ended, they said “yes you see, all friends/women/men are like this”. They do this with so many people! “All sales people rip you off” after a bad customer service visit, “all hairstylists in this city are bad” …after one bad haircut. I keep telling them that it isn’t so! Obviously someone out there finds real friends, gets good haircuts, finds love, gets a good deal….maybe not you right now, but that doesn’t mean never ! They tell me “you’re just young, when you grow up, you’ll realize we are right!” It’s hard not to believe them because when you see the world from their perspective, you find evidence that they are right and all people are somehow flawed. However, I always thought that  this couldn’t be the only opinion. However I’m too scared I’ll be living my life differently and still realize that “mom and dad have been right all along and I should have listened”

     

    June 22, 2018 at 10:38 am #213649
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You are very welcome. I need to get away from the computer for about sixteen hours. I am looking forward to read and reply to your most recent post when I am  back.

    anita

    June 23, 2018 at 4:28 am #213775
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    You are welcome and thank you for the expressed appreciation.

    You wrote: “I don’t think my parents say these things to hurt me”. But they do hurt you regardless of their intent because they introduce to you a distorted view of reality.

    You wrote: “Yet for some reason, instead of.. changing the relationship or finding new friends.. they stayed! When the friendship ended, they said ‘yes you see, all friends/women/men are like this'”- what would be the point of finding new friends if.. there is no such thing as friends, if all friends are the same?

    You wrote: “I’m too scared I’ll be living my life differently and still realize that ‘mom and dad have been right all along and I should have listened”- we are born to listen to our parents, to look up to them for guidance. And we naturally believe everything they say. Even when growing up and doubting what they say, part of us still believes it to be true.

    But it isn’t true. Not all men are the same. Not all women are the same. In their view of reality all friends are the same, correct? Problem is, in their view of reality, there is no such thing as a friend.

    anita

    June 24, 2018 at 3:57 pm #213941
    Anonymous
    Inactive

    Yes there is reason to that. I think also that people will see what they believe in. If they don’t believe in friendship- they’ll never find it. I sometimes think that the reason I still have a hard time making friends even though I don’t fully believe my parents is that Im not very confident in myself. I’m so scared of trusting someone deeply and getting hurt by them rejecting my friendship (just like the friend I wrote about here) that I don’t even try at all. So fear of failure – to be exact. On the other hand, I really have nothing to lose if I try and make new friends. Yes maybe they will ditch me…just like my friend here….just like my parents predicted. However, I could also find someone who will be a good friend to me

    June 25, 2018 at 4:34 am #213991
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear RedDress:

    Sometimes our parents are the very people they warn us about. This is a difficult concept because as children, and as adult children it is impossible to very difficult to see our parents as anything but good and loving.

    anita

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