Thanks so much you, Anita and A4U. You guys are understanding my problem way better than even my close friends do, thanks so much, really.

I think you guys are right. it really makes me think that I indeed am stuck with him and this relationship, taking anything even slightly positive from his side as love. I’ve clearly forgotten the standards of love that I’d initially set for myself and over these 6 years have come really low. You’re right. I’ve felt the same many a times but I still couldn’t imagine being with anyone else and I feel that’s where I went wrong. There have been men who’ve either asked me out or have over a period of time shown me a lot of affection probably waiting for me to come to my senses and leave this relationship but I don’t know, it’s like my head and heart is stuck with this man, I feel as if  I’d rather get little love from him than get a lot of love from someone who’s not him. I remember this one time when a guy asked me out in front of one of my friends and I politely declined, my friend, who knew how taken for granted I am in my relationship, burst out at me that why am I pushing other men away only to be one man’s doormat and I told her that I’d rather have him give me 20% love than have another man who gives me 100% love because I just want him.  I now understand even more deeply, after you also pointed out, that I’m really stuck. I need to learn to remove my heart and mind from him because I’m only inviting more pain.  A man who couldn’t realize things and value me in 6 years, will never do so. I’m only banging my head against a wall. Today he’ll show me love because I’m gone but once I’m back, I’ll again be where I was 3 weeks back when I first messaged here, all devastated. You’re right.

And yes, I’m going to keep telling myself everyday that loving me and respecting myself first is now the motto of life, now and always. I indeed had lost all respect in my relationship. If I look at the self-assured and confident woman that I was 6 years ago vis-a-vis the cry-baby that I’ve become today, I feel both miserable and ashamed at how could I let someone treat me like this and still take some strange pride in loving him as if I’m a toy that you can throw and pull however you want for your pleasure.  I was so naive.

I’ll tell you this incident. So i’m wheatish complexioned, between fair and dusky, almost the Jennifer Aniston complexion. Now, I never even saw it as something not so perfect, like I never even thought about it. I loved my skin color and the people around me loved it (I’ve come to realise now that this part doesn’t matter, but earlier the fact that other people found me beautiful did add to my sense of self-worth). As I said, we had a long distance, started online and we met say once in 5-6 months. Now  before we first met, whenever we used to talk about beauty and features and actors and other stuff, he used to repeatedly ask me about my complexion. He once asked me my height, weight, vital stats and peace but my complexion, he asked it repeatedly. sometimes I got irritated that How many times will you ask me the same thing and he used to always cover up with I keep forgetting and it’s not very clear in the photos. Even when we met, he just casually said, oh, we have such a color difference, but then hugged me and was like, however you are, you are good (‘did I even say I felt I’m not good’, was what went in head but I said nothing.) The biggest thing was yet to come. He once asked me what’s your colour, I was like wheatish, how many times will you ask me, he was like god I totally forgot, i told my friends you’re really fair by mistake, he told me that he was having a conversation with his friends and he told them about me and that i was pretty and nice and tall and slim and very fair. when one of his friends must have said, ‘I think she’s got the kim kardashian colour’ as they’ve seen me on social media (this is at least what he told me), he was like no she’s very fair and showed them a picture of mine in which I’m looking fairer because of lighting maybe as proof. I felt bad and puzzled that how can someone forget things like height body size complexion of their partners and he was clearly lying but I kept shut. The biggest blow was this one day when we were talking about stuff and about friends and chuckling and he giggled and said you know I know you are wheatish but I tell my friends, You are really fair. He said it so matter-of-factly and started saying something else then. I stopped him and was like whatt? why? he was like just like that, but i persisted that when you know my colour, why would you lie about it, he said “because saying you’re fair will make them jealous”. I said a what!! Bye and hung up. And I cried so bad that day. I was haunted for days by, do these things like skin colour and making friends jealous matter so much to him, is he ashamed/uncomfortable of the way i look that he has to lie about it, did he not once think how embarrassed will i feel when his friends actually meet me and see I’m not what he’s projected me as, even if i understand his want to flaunt his gf, am i, the way i am, not enough? this is just complexion but there are actual flaws that humans have, god forbid if tomorrow i have some actual flaw, will he go about hiding it and lying?

But we got back. Shit guys I’m feeling really angry at myself now for treating myself so bad and letting someone treat me so bad just because I love him. I kept justifying and forgiving the pain that he gave me in the present by remembering some moments of love that he gave me in the past. i will now learn to love myself and respect myself the most.

Thanks so much you both. I’ll hopefully get back after a few weeks, hopefully in a better state of mind <3

Dear Anita,

Exactly, it is exactly that. And I think also that he does give me 100 or say even a 150% of love when I leave. Then he’ll call me, show genuine care, be appreciative and basically everything that comprises my concept of 100% love. So that keeps my hopes running that he is giving me 20% love in general but is actually capable of 100%, and all my efforts are spent in trying to make him give the same 100% that he gives after I leave, when I’m actually with him.

I think had he been the same when I’m there and when I leave, I would have understood after a while that he’s incapable of giving me 100% love but the fact that, in certain situations he does give me my perfect love, keeps me hanging. God, this is so difficult. But you’ve been right, I’m stuck and I’m spending my energy in the wrong place. I’ve tried every way, including reasoning it with him but he either only refuses being different when I get back with him and says I’m just the same or will seem to understand and promise to not repeat it but he does.  I might as well spend all that energy on myself. I hope I can pull this through this time.

he was all emotional and upset that he came all the way and I can’t meet him. I was screaming on the phone that what about when I was all out wanting only to talk to you, then I get nothing and now when I’m trying to stabilize, you do this?

Thank You so much, you guys, for bearing with me and the prompt replies yesterday. Yesterday was one complete roller Coaster.  I feel I’ll now reset myself and get back after a month, hopefully in a better frame of mind.

I did contemplate returning the gifts, Anita, but then we’ve both exchanged a lot of things and I know, being the person he is,  the moment I return his gift, he’ll start returning all my gifts and we’ll get into this ‘returning all the things we ever gifted each other’ and that at this point will become even more painful for me, there was a lot of love attached to all that I gifted him and to see all that back with me only will be heartbreaking. I don’t think he’ll ever do this ‘giving gifts’ thing again because probably he saw it won’t help and at this point I want to do everything to not aggravate the hurt by the processes that will ensue once I return this one set of gifts. .

Thank You So much Anita and A4U, I never took a firm stand out of the relationship as I was never sure of whether I’m doing the right thing. Most of my friends gave mixed views. If I’ve been able to make it through even for a few months so far, it’s to a great extent due to you both and all the other guys in the earlier replies that took out the time to understand my situation. An assurance and also a little bit of friendly guidance is just what I desperately needed. Thanks a lot. It means a lot.