fbpx
Menu

Being there for friends while longing solitude

Home→Forums→Relationships→Being there for friends while longing solitude

New Reply
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)
  • Author
    Posts
  • April 18, 2014 at 3:27 pm #54995
    Line
    Participant

    Hi everyone!
    As a keen reader of this forum who is amazed by the great wisdom of the participants, I finally decided to ask some help myself.

    Right now, my schedule in life is very uncertain. I’m constantly bombarded with tasks that require instant attention, even on weekends. I’m also a person who first of all needs alone time and the concept of just hanging around is very strange to me. It is much easier for me to be a shoulder to cry on or to discuss philosophies than to have lunch together or a movie night, although I do prefer activities over just drinking in a bar. I think I’m sort of a person who prefers to come and go freely and I do shiver every time I think about relationship bonds, because I feel a constant hanging responsibility there. However, that doesn’t mean that I do not long for lasting relationships and that I do not care about the ones I have. I do very much and that’s exactly what is causing me trouble. With the feeling of being constantly “on-line” with inability to “switch society off” I’ve become very overwhelmed and would like to hide in my room for weeks just to do my own things. I feel no need to socialize whatsoever after meetings, but I understand my friends whose needs are different, although we all live under same circumstances. For them, meeting up for a fun activity is a relaxing time, whereas for me it is just another commitment added to the pile. I guess I’m just very afraid to fully reveal the authentic “hermit” me, because I’ve painfully lost many relationships, being unaware that not getting together out of scheduled meeting time on a weekly basis (when living in the same area) is a friendship no-no. So – now I’m afraid and stuck between two piles without being really there for myself or to others. I would be grateful if you have any suggestions, how to nurture my friendships in a situation where I want to be a good friend, but just don’t have the energy to do it?

    Best,
    L

    April 18, 2014 at 4:49 pm #54996
    Matt
    Participant

    Line,

    I applaud your balanced approach to the puzzle in front of you, you seem well grounded in your confusion. 🙂 Consider that we all have a unique dance with the world, and vary in our needs. Sometimes we want connection, sometimes aloneness. To dance and play with friends, but also take time to relax, unwind, rekindle our own space. In some cultures (especially western), great value is put on extraversion, as though that’s the way we’re all supposed to be. This is simply not true… quite often extroverts could use a little time on the cushion themselves. A few things came to heart as I read your words.

    The first is that the hermit doesn’t go to the cave to hide, rather to separate. When there is a lot of motion and chaos, its sometimes difficult to know where we stand, too much wind, too many bleeps and whirs, too many views. So we head into the cave to let go, come home, unwind. Then, we find our authentic self, or a contented space, and the echoes clear.

    This is a normal and usual process, one of the stops on the journey of the fool. When we stop feeling bad about taking time alone, we can be free to just sing and dance around our home naked. But, friendships are also important, and we don’t wish to be neglectful.

    This balance, in my opinion, is about being authentic. When we can accept that we are who we are, and like what we like, then we can work to find common ground with our friends, find new friends with more similar interests, be peaceful alone, and so forth.

    As far as wanting to honor the friendship but not always go out to the movies, perhaps being authentic here would work as well. “I do like hanging out with you, but I’m feeling like finding something more mellow, I really want to recharge.” Or whatever. The key is just be authentic, courageous, and let the chips fall.

    Also, consider a metta meditation practice. Metta is the feeling of warm friendship inside us, and as we cultivate it, our mind becomes more peaceful, more smooth. This makes us more open and giving to ourselves and others, so when we do choose to connect, its a better experience for them, and us. Plus, a lot of the drive to be in the cave is from the chaos that comes up alongside the dance with the outside world, and metta helps keep the mind quiet, able to let go, see the impermanence of our thoughts, etc, etc. Consider “sharon Salzburg guided metta meditation” on YouTube, if interested.

    Finally, if we stay in the cave too long without reengaging with the outside world, sometimes we can lose touch, things dull, become tasteless. We sometimes falsly think that its because we’re disconnected, alone, but really its because we step away from giving to others, which is what grows joy. Said differently, if you grow the light within the cave, that is beautiful, and good to find your own happiness. Don’t hoard your happiness, try to find ways to share it in your own way, and your glow will stay strong, prevent the aloneness of your path from feeling like isolation.

    Namaste, may you find your echoless cavern and share the songs you hear.

    With warmth,
    Matt

    April 18, 2014 at 9:30 pm #55002
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    Thanks Matt @amatt. What a beautiful start to easter with your response 🙂

    Hi Line

    I second what Matt has written down. I wont be able to offer the same quality of wisdom or articulate in a similar way but heres some suggestions from my practical experience:

    – anyone can long for solitude or alone time depending on their circumstances but people who are mostly introvert need the solitude more than extroverts. There is nothing wrong with this. It just goes to show that we all charge our inner being differently. Introverts need solitude to feel alive and extroverts need social interactions to keep their energies up. So feel proud of who you are. We are all so unique and different but still the same when it comes to needing peace in our heart.

    – many times, we feel like running away from everything such as having few weeks to onself. Again there is nothing wrong with this. However, if you do not find the root cause of why you need such a space or time off, your problem may not solve even after having down time.

    – we all need balance in everything. I think Universe and nature make it quite clear that balance is important for our happy existence. To simplify this for myself, I work on causes focussing on mind, body and soul. Depending on which one needs attention, You can come up with own strategies to find a balance. Meditation is food for the soul and if I had a choice, I would recommend it to everyone to try it for at least 10 mins a day everyday as it helps to recharge but also aids in reflection and letting go of unhelpful emotions. You need stimulation and quality sleep for the mind. Exercise, nutrition and rest keep the body in good rhythm.

    – to deal with the similar issue that you face currently, I started with baby steps and put in strategies in all of the components that make me – mind, body and soul. When our innate needs are met on a regular basis, we are more able to be there with others. What I have also found is that by meeting my needs routinely, I dont need so much down time anymore as my battery is getting charged everyday. I am also more open to different activities, which didn’t go with my personality before but am happy to give them a go now. This was a real surprise for me.

    – once you meet your needs by prioritising yourself above others and work, it becomes easier to become more authentic YOU. As you become more YOU, you will start appreciating everyone else as they are and you wont feel the compulsion to pretend, make excuses, lie or do things against your will or personality. And I can tell from my own experience that people start to enjoy being around us as they feel light and peaceful in our presence.

    – one thing I have only come to appreciate recently is that there are some potent energy suckers around us, who can drain our energy quickly and without us realising. This impacts on our overall well being. By knowing that such people exist, we can protect our energy levels by minimising contact with such people.

    – all of the above takes time, patience, practice and self care. But thats what we are here for on the Planet, arent we ?

    Have a happy easter guys and go easy on the chocolates.

    Jasmine

    April 21, 2014 at 12:45 am #55079
    Line
    Participant

    Hi, Matt & Jasmine!

    It took me some time to reflect on your beautiful thoughts. I have a lot of similar ideas in my mind every day, but your answers somehow set them free by giving them a different angle. Thank you! 🙂

    L

    April 22, 2014 at 9:36 pm #55225
    @Jasmine-3
    Participant

    No worries Line 🙂 look forward to hearing how things are in a few weeks at your end.

    J

  • Author
    Posts
Viewing 5 posts - 1 through 5 (of 5 total)

You must be logged in to reply to this topic. Please log in OR register.