Edit:

“If I’m isolated…“- yes, I agree, although I don’t think that they thought of this: they acted and reacted instinctively, similar to how animals behave: observing them you can make sense of their behavior, you can see nature’s plan. But the animals are not aware of that plan. They act and react instinctively.

“That`s not a life sentence , is it (being broken)?“- no: not for you, not for me”

Dear Farnaz:

I read your recent post and it all makes sense to me, will reply further Sat morning (my time). Please take good care of you!

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“I feel like if I CHOOSE to be with someone, they were low hanging fruits, the kind I didn`t value their opinions“- this makes me think of my experience picking apples earlier this fall. It happened a couple of times that high hanging apples fell and hit my head. It hurt. Low hanging apples didn’t hurt me.

I think that you think of your mother as a high hanging fruit (educated, hard-working & motivated, professionally & financially successful) and of your father and siblings as low- or lower- hanging fruit. I think that you aspired and succeeded to be like your mother (see parenthesis) and you see yourself therefore as a high hanging fruit, higher/ more worthy than lower hanging fruit.

Do I understand correctly, and if so, in how/ in what ways did you CHOOSE (above quote) to be with low hanging fruit: did you notice that a particular man, let’s say, is uneducated and professionally unsuccessful, and that awakened a motivation in you to reach out to him and you proceeded to try to get his attention… and if you did, how did you try to get his attention?

* In my case, unattractive men- physically and otherwise- who tried to get my attention succeeded- unfortunately- if they decisively and aggressively… took advantage of me (is how I see it).

anita

Thank you for the note, Farnaz. Have a restful night!

anita

Dear Farnaz:

I am missing something significant in my understanding, therefore I ask (I think of the following as a difficult or a distressing question, sorry if it is that, for you… I wouldn’t ask it if I didn’t hope that it may be helpful to ask):

“I actually chose people who were successful apparently but were living a sad, little  life, I found out later“-are you, Farnaz. apparently successful, but living a sad, little life?

anita

Dear Farnaz: I will reply in the morning.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

Nov 27: “when I was dealing with these kind of people“- I will be looking for what you mean by these kind of people, (these kinds of people or this kind of people), by looking at your previous posts:

Original post, Nov 6: “My father was an ok guy not perfect of course, he lied a lot to me“- a guy who lied to you a lot.. cannot possibly be an okay guy. Are these kinds of people,  people who lie to you a lot?

“He never took my side when it came to fights between me and his wife… he actually enjoyed..  to make me feel bad about myself,  he felt like his wife and me were competing over his affection and that made him feel good. Even before he got married, he was very sneaky and passive aggressive with me and with everyone around him, let’s just say he wasn’t a people person at all“- is these kind of people the kind that lie a lot, don’t take your side, enjoy making you feel badly about yourself, having you compete for their attention, and being very sneaky and passive-aggressive?

“I realize I really don’t have real friends and I’m surrounded with loser people who don’t know what to do with themselves and their life“- loser people like your father who although paid for your education.. wasn’t a real friend to you?

“I encountered too many bad people in life“- including the people you were born to?

2nd post: “have you ever thought if I can’t trust my family who I can trust then?“- loser people who cannot be trusted.

3rd post: “I put people on pedestal, I valued them more than myself, they noticed it and somehow used it against me time to time, not following through their promises, or try to deceive me thinking I wouldn’t dare to cut the ties with them cause they were so important… PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME“- you put your father on a pedestal, as children do. He was very important in your mind and heart, and then… he broke his promises to you and sneakily deceived you.

4th post: “I don’t say I hate them before but sometimes I saw them as villain. it applies to other people too, people who kicked me when I was down, people who wronged me… and never try to undo their deeds“- you sometimes hated your father and your mother and saw them as villains because they wronged you, kicked you when you were down and never tried to undo the wrongs they caused you.

5th post: “By villain, I meant bad people who do bad things on purpose, I sometimes think my dad was hurting me on purpose“- your father was this kind of people.

“I admit he had grown up a lot after my mom’s death. Before, he was like a little boy with no responsibilities, and was so angry that my mom was not able to support him (mentally and emotionally)“- it seems to me that of the two, you had more empathy for your father than you had for your mother, that’s why you saw him as a little boy. You had a stronger hope to earn your father’s love than to earn your mother’s, before her death and particularly after her death (he was the one left of your two parents).

6th post: “Some people tried to take advantage.. or try to mislead me intentionally, although I could see through them.. unfortunately, I hung out with them until I had enough. I am actually working on forgiving those kind of people… they are not trustworthy at all“- those kind of people were your parents. You saw through them at one point and onward, but you kept closing your eyes to what you saw and hoping to see love when you open your eyes again…?

7th post: “Unfortunately, I did more than once trusting someone again who I shouldn’t, and I hate to admit it, but it was out of desperation”– out of desperation, you trusted your parents/ father again and again, and he failed you. You hate having been so desperate as to renew your trust in people who kept betraying you.

The 7th post was the last one on page 1 of your thread. I am skipping to page 6: “One of my problems I always had that you might relate to it, is to be considered cold and distant, because I’m scared to be hurt, and that made me hard to approach, especially in relation to romantic partners, I’m not comfortable with intimacy“- your mother and father (your father for a longer time since he lived 19 years longer) hurt you and betrayed you, so you grew cold and distant.

Next post: “I got very obsessed with guys around me, I made a big deal from the very few gestures they did… daydreaming about them, like having a future… NONE of them were a good match… they weren’t good people… selfish, distant and arrogant and most of them wanted me to do all the work“- your father wanted you to compete for his affection, to compete with his new wife, and I imagine you did your best to compete well, made a big deal of his kind gestures for you, showed him appreciation, hoping to earn his love…  but he was too selfish, arrogant and distant (from you) to notice and to give you what you needed and deserved.

Next post: “By doing all the work, I meant make the relationship happens, doing all the steps without actually trying to impress me or showing they worth trying to keep them in my life, and they weren’t worthy“- you worked hard to make your father love you, but he didn’t do any work himself, he didn’t reciprocate or reward your efforts. This has been infuriating for you, hasn’t it…

Next: “Once I like a person in opposite sex, I don’t have any problem approaching them, I kinda overdo it, and show a little bit too much interest… I see if they do anything to gain my interests again, in most cases they don’t.. they wanted an ego trip“- you overdid your efforts to compete with your father’s wife for his affection, overdid her efforts, doing more for him than she did for him, and your father enjoyed it, it was an ego trip for him. But he did not reward you for his ego trips.

Next: “I was surrounded by people who wanted to drag me down… they weren’t very happy that I wasn’t broken completely?  I don’t want to be surrounded by these kind of people obviously“- being repeatedly used by your father as an ego booster, when all you wanted was his fatherly love, broke you again and again, did it?

I am skipping.. “My dad, he was very envious of me, he was competing (with) me in a very obvious way“-you didn’t elaborate on this, but it doesn’t sound good…

Post before last: “I don’t idolize her anymore… actually, I admire my dad more because he was living in reality, and he didn’t expect me to be perfect, and he was generally more peaceful with his life… I actually choose people who…  were obviously not relationship material and I thought I could change them“- of the two, you hoped to be loved by your father more than you hoped to be loved by your mother. But your mother (like mine) was not mother-material. Your father (like mine) was not father material. You tried to change him into father material… and you failed.

In summary: there is no way for me (and probably for anyone) to arrive at an exact analysis of how much influence your father had on you vs the influence by your mother. Including your older siblings would make such analysis very complicated. What I came up with above is greatly simplified but (I believe) not without value. As far as the men in your life, you gave no concrete details, but I have no doubt that some of your evaluations of some of the men were heavily influenced  by your experience with your parents, leading you to incorrectly perceive and understand them.

In my experience, there were men who were bad people by their own right, but fueled by my childhood desperation anger- I wasn’t able to see any man as good, not long-term (not after a temporary infatuation, at best). I remember seeing one man as handsome one evening, but the next day, when I saw him, he looked ugly: I am not exaggerating when I say that if he passed me by on the streets that next day,  I wouldn’t have been able to recognize him.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome and thank you for your appreciation.

“I admire my dad more because he was living in reality… My dad was constantly lying about everything, his job, his wife, and .. you couldn’t get a truth from his lips“- he lived in reality but regularly lied about it… what do you mean by “lived in reality”?

“Especially when he felt you were desperate to hear the truth, he would lie even harder“- can you describe to me one incident when you were most desperate for the truth and in response, he lied to you even harder?

“The problem with toxic parents like ours is that they think they are actually very good people, I mean VERY good“- they claim that they are very good, but I don’t think they believe it; do you think that they truly believe it?

“One pattern that I see in my parents (was) they didn’t want to boost my ego in any way… like if I was right about something, they never acknowledged it… if my step mom did something very bad, my father didn’t acknowledge it and tried to blame me (for) be so sensitive“- reads like he rejected the truth because it was inconvenient truth, for him. Whatever was inconvenient for him to admit at any one time- he rejected.

“I forgave a lot of bad behaviors because it was similar to my parents“- you mean that you accepted (for a while) men who blatantly lied to you? (I asked 4 questions in a short post… you have the right to not answer… lol).

anita