Ooops, the above should end with my name (I normally copy the OP’s post to which I reply and your name above is from what I copied and forgot to erase).

Dear Farnaz:

I can definitely relate. My experience with my mother had a major affect and effect on romantic relationships, so much so that there has been very, very little romance in my life. I remember being infatuated with a boy in high school, for many, many months, day-dreaming about him for hours at a time. Eventually, he asked me to the movies. All through that date, riding a train, sitting at the movies.. I was non-stop self-conscience, particularly about my breathing. I was afraid that he will hear the air coming out of my nose. When the date was over, I was relieved: it was torture! He didn’t ask me for a second date.

You can only imagine, I imagine, my discomfort with any closeness closer than hearing- from a distance-  the air leaving my nose. Also, physical intimacy like holding hands- still bothers me sometimes. I keep feeling.. her hands. Her touch made my skin crawl. Your experience is probably not as bad as mine, is it? Or maybe it is.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

I am not as self conscious as I was in high school. Also, I used to daydream about that particular guy (his name was Robert, an intellectual looking- and sounding guy, thick glasses, didn’t have any facial hair throughout high school). I day dreamed lots of love stories but that stopped sometime in my early 20s, I think. Everything was easy when daydreaming: no courage required to do anything.. everything proceeded like I wished it to proceed.. the easy and pleasurable way to enjoy a love story.

“I was too cold and prideful to show it“- this reminds me of our talk about inferiority vs superiority, the two being two sides of the same coin. I felt superior to guys who showed interest in me, but painfully inferior overall.

“NONE of them were a good match for me… they weren’t good people, they weren’t a good match for most women, but I chose them, I mean, they were very similar: selfish , distant and arrogant and most of them wanted me to do all the work, like my mom?!“- when you say that most wanted you to do all the work, what do you mean by it, specifically?

I read your question for me, but maybe I will answer it tomorrow morning. I am getting tired now and sharing about some of my personal experience in regard to this topic is uncomfortable for me. I’ll see how I feel tomorrow!

anita

Dear Farnaz:

Thank you for being as gentle as you are in regard to talking about this topic, I appreciate it very much. Let’s then talk about what we feel comfortable talking about and to the extent we feel comfortable.

“I feel I never think of myself as equal to others“- in regard to feeling superior to men you were involved with, I wonder if it’s similar, in any way, to my case: my mother sent me the loud and clear message that I was Inferior (her words “a big zero” come to mind), but she also repeatedly told me (in a day-dreaming kind of way) that I will meet a prince charming who will marry me and make all (her) dreams come true. In my child-mind, I was supposed to meet and marry a handsome, rich man who will fulfill my mother’s dreams. The men I came across as an older teenager and young adult were not even close to (and therefore Inferior) to what they were supposed to be (according to my mother).

“By doing all the work, I meant make the relationship happen, doing all the steps, without actually trying to impress me or showing they’re worth (trying to keep) them in my life“- I wonder what kinds of work you practically did (ex., initiating dates?), and if you did that work with a cold-and-distant attitude (“I (was) considered cold and distant.. in relation to romantic partners“, Nov 23), an attitude to which the men did not positively react/ weren’t encouraged by…?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“Once I like a person of the opposite sex, I don’t have any problem approaching them. I kinda overdo it, and show a little bit too much interest“- I think that when you like a man, you show a lot of interest because you feel interested and excited about the prospect of a love relationship with a man. Excited children overdo it, and so do you, in this context.

“I seem distant and cold in general and in general… In case they were interested in me, I will find tons of faults in them to convince myself they are not any good, and by faults I mean based on my mom`s standard , subconsciously“- I think that you generally appear distant and cold and that you find faults in men because you are loyal to your mother who made it clear to you that she wants you isolated and alone.

Your mother wanted you isolated and alone within the family: “She turned me and my siblings against each other… the result is all of us feel isolated and alone“, and she separated herself from you: “Now that I look back, if I could talk to my mom, I would say… do you think blaming me and somehow separating yourself from me..“.

She wanted you separated, isolated and alone outside of the family as well by instilling in you severe distrust in people: “I remember I was ten or eleven… I was telling my mom that when I was crossing the street the bus driver stopped the whole bus so I could go safely and I was so proud of it and my mom said it was because he realized that you are a stupid kid”-  as a kid, you thought that the bus driver stopped the bus because he thought highly of you. Your mother corrected you, claiming that the bus driver thought lowly of you.

There were many instances, I am sure, when she expressed to you that people are not to be trusted and that they deserve your low opinion of them, and you absorbed what she expressed to you: “I am surrounded by loser people who don’t know what to do with themselves and their lives… have no purpose… many bad people… bad company… my inner thoughts were confirmed: PEOPLE ARE OUT TO GET ME, NOBODY IS TRUSTWORTHY and that made me even more isolated… I anticipate an attack from  people all the time… they weren’t good people, they weren’t a good match for most women, but I chose them, I mean, they were very similar: selfish , distant and arrogant“.

A loving daughter wants to be loyal to her mother’s teachings.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“She did it multiple times and tried to separate me from others, but in some ways, I did feel separated and like an outsider myself, in my mind“- “but in some ways” or and in some ways? I mean, a little girl’s mother has direct access to the girl’s mind aka brain. Like I said earlier, our childhood years are called our Formative Years because our brains are literally Formed during those years… and some mothers have a heavy hand in forming the brains of her children. Therefore, she tried to separate you from others and she succeeded.

anita: “She wanted you separated, isolated and alone outside of the family as well by instilling“, Farnaz: “and what was her reason do you think?“-

– I think that you unknowingly answered your question in the same post where you asked it: “I am not confident enough to socialize with more successful people… I feel intimidated by them, because being surrounded with losers gave me this security that I’m better than some people“-

-she was not confident enough to socialize with a strong, successful husband and strong, successful children. If she had a strong and successful husband and children, she would have felt intimidated, and so, she broke each one of you for the purpose of being surrounded by losers (your word), and that gave her a feeling of security, a feeling that she is better than any one of you.

To separate and isolate a highly social individual animal, such as a human, is the same as breaking him or her.

Does this make sense to you?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“I believe my mom and most likely yours too, were afraid that if we socialize with more successful people or people in general, we gonna abandon them“- my mother broke me because she was angry. It was her anger that motivated her. She didn’t have an individual plan, a strategy… she reacted to her anger. She didn’t feel that it was fair that she alone will be broken. She was envious of the non-broken me, so she made it fair.

“If I’m isolated, it is more likely to.. ignore their flaws and most likely to idolize them“- yes, I agree, although I think that they  thought of this: they acted and reacted instinctively, similar to how animals behave: observing them you can make sense of their behavior, you can see nature’s plan. But the animals are not aware of that plan. They act and react instinctively.

“That`s not a life sentence , is it?“- no: not for you, not for me,

“Did you have the same experience with people too..?“- I think that you are asking if I chose to surround myself with “losers”- no, I didn’t choose losers or winners. I didn’t choose much of anything. Throughout my 20s and 30s, I was alone most of the time, but sometimes I was chosen: not by good people, and not in ways that benefited me.

anita