Dear Farnaz:

“I’m so happy finding someone… who can exactly feel and understand what I’m being through“- in regard to BPD and trust issues,  I need to say: when you find out that I don’t exactly understand what you are going through, and/ or when I disappoint you otherwise (maybe I already did), don’t go to the extreme of being very unhappy with me and figuring that I don’t understand you at all, or worse, that I deceived you or tried to manipulate you. If and when you feel disappointed and angry at me, please let me know what it is about and we can talk about it.

“I’m so sorry about your experience with so called friend, I feel like maybe your mom was jealous of you, and she felt you having a friend diminished her control over you… my mom was also jealous oof my friend“- thank you. What you wrote here sounds right.

“My mom had some trauma in her past too…“- you shared that your mother’s grandparents were divorced, that your grandmother  was separated from her mother due to divorce… and was under control of a stepmother, that your grandfather was twice the age of your grandmother, that your grandmother tried to separate your mother from your uncles and felt that one of your uncles (your mother’s brother) was using your mother. Your mother ended contact with the brother who used her, and she lost another brother to suicide.

“My traumas were my mom, her  death and dealing with my dad who wasn’t trust worthy” – you identified your trauma clearly.

“I hope he (your brother) gets pushed to therapy by something, I know that’s weird“- I don’t think it’s weird. Many, if not most people are pushed to therapy by something that creates more pain and more conflict than they can handle keeping their habitual ways of thinking and behaving.

“My sister also was like mom, except she didn’t have any of mom’s good qualities, you know, I don’t think my mom was bad in nature, but my sister definitely is…. I’m just indifferent, but once I loved her with all my heart… more than I loved my mom, until I got older and saw her for who she was. I’m 13 years younger than her. I can say, getting to know her as an adult didn’t help my trust issues at all“- I wonder (1)  what you loved about your sister so much growing up, and (2) what she said and did that caused you to so drastically change your mind and heart about her (?) We can explore this, if you wish.

“I unfortunately encounter a lot of power hungry people in my life… I’ve seen some very manipulating people who persistently tried to mislead me in some way… it’s not personal, they do it to everyone, but I believe I was sending some signals, obviously unconsciously, that I’m an easy target…. predator. I can tell you one example, I have an aunt… who seems to be very compassionate, she was actually crying in front of me when my father was getting remarried, and said that she can’t see anyone in my mom’s place… after my dad married, I realized that my aunt actually tried to fix my dad with some lady who was in a very low level… in different planet, culture wise, economic class, religion. It was almost comic, how my aunt would think that was a good match for my dad. Anyway, she was lying to my face and actually crying about it!!! And the other time, she tried to fix me with her nephew who was not really a sharp person, very slow, not from a good family either.. till recent years, I realized she did these kinds of behaviors on purpose, from encouraging me to basically abandon any good and meaningful thing in my life… persistently tell me I’m worthless because I’m not married, and she was very upset that I didn’t become a broken person after my mom’s death. Well, I did become that, but I somehow put myself together… I cut ties with her after my dad’s funeral because of her behavior after it. She was almost happy and tried to draw attention to herself, instead of to my father’s death. I couldn’t tolerate it anymore”-

– reading this and then re-reading it, my impression about this aunt (it is only an impression) is that she is not a sharp person and that her words and actions are not part of a well thought-of plan, or an evil plan, to deceive and manipulate you. It seems to me that her words and behaviors are such that are very common in some cultures: showy behaviors in the context of death and funerals (pretentious and insincere indeed, yet … accepted and expected within the culture), culturally accepted ideas regarding mourning,  older single women and marriage and match making efforts. Seems like she wasn’t sharp enough to make … sharp match-making suggestions, that in her eyes, those were good matches.  But again… my impression is that she was not smart enough or educated enough to carry on a cold-hearted, intelligent plan to  deceive and overpower you. What do you think?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

I am just about to go out for the rest of the day, I’ll be back to you this evening or Thurs morning. (It is now Wed 1:06 pm here).

anita

Dear Farnaz:

It (will be) Thursday 7:50 pm then where you are at, when I submit this post. I hope that you had a good day. First, the easy part of your recent post, regarding your aunt and her adult children: “what do you think about having no contact with them?“- I am all for having no contact with bullies who are motivated by malice (“malicious… they are bullies, SIMPLE“).

Regarding your sister, this is my current understanding: she really hates your mother and has hated her for a long, long time. Her chronic hate for her mother, in its origin and throughout her childhood- was valid, and none of your sister’s fault. Same as my chronic anger at my mother (it felt like hate for a long, long time): in its origin and throughout my childhood- it was valid and none of my fault. I will not fault any child who feels hate for his/ her mother (primary caretaker) because I don’t believe children are born hateful. They are born extremely dependent on the mother and therefore, extremely loving. It takes a WHOLE LOT for a very loving child to become chronically hateful of a mother.

I do not fault your sister for continuing to feel hate for her mother for many years as an adult because I assume that your mother did not acknowledge any faults in her own behaviors toward your sister (and instead, continued to find fault in your sister), did not arrange for family therapy with your sister where the very troubled relationship between mother and (adult) child was discussed and resolved… so no reason for your sister to feel differently about her mother. Your sister could have (and may have) attended individual therapy that could have lessened her anger. But from personal experience, my chronic anger at my mother lessened sometime after therapy and after ending all contact with her.

Throughout all the years that I lived in a country far, far away from my mother’s (continents, a sea and an ocean apart), every single time that I visited her led to my anger reigniting and I suffered so much mental torture during and following each visit. It seems like although your sister lived in a different country as well, she too visited her mother, and like me, she probably had some phone contact with her mother as well.

You wrote yesterday about your sister: “She always wanted to bring all of us down by her behavior“- you still, currently, think of yourself as ONE with your (now deceased) mother and father… and your sister on the opposite side, as in us vs her…?”

“I am curious about your relationship with your sister? Hopefully, it’s not toxic“- we have very little contact and it is not toxic. She respects my decision to have no contact with my mother (ever since May 2013). Growing up, we were very different: she was social, had lots of friends and I thought she was okay, normal. Unfortunately, I later found out that she was deeply wounded and harmed by my mother… and she still is.

This is not an easy topic to talk about, is it?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

It was earlier today (and not before) that I found out that your screen name means glorious beauty in old Persian!  will read and reply in hours from now.

anita

Dear Glorious Beauty from Persia: I’ll be back to you Fri morning!

anita

Dear Farnaz (Glorious Beauty from Persia):

You are welcome and thank you for referring to me as graceful and merciful. I hope that you soon finish your packing and have a smooth move to your new home. We both agree that this is not a light topic, but talking about and  resolving heavy topics makes one lighter (and we can talk about something light next, if you wish).

“Your sister being different from you and handling the damage differently helps me to make my point, you reacted differently to the abuse you both endured just as me and my siblings“- there is a point that I need to make: my sister, who is six years younger than me, was born to the same mother but she was not born into the same situation that I was born into, and she did not grow up in the same situation. Therefore, she and I had the same mother but different childhoods. This is true to you as well, being that you are 13 years younger than your sister: the two of you were born to the same mother but had different childhoods.

My sister and I did not react differently to the same childhood. We reacted differently to.. different childhoods. It is not that my sister and I had the same childhood and we reacted to it differently: one born a good girl, reacting positively; the other born a bad girl, reacting negatively. We reacted differently to different childhoods.

I experienced some of my parents’ violent marriage and divorce when I was 5-6 (primarily, I remember my mother’s loud and terrifying threats to kill herself in the middle of the night). My sister was born right before they were divorced. In my six years of life, I was the only child and spent a lot of time with my mother. By the time my sister was 6, there was a very established relationship between my mother and I, one where I was clearly WRONG/BAD, and my mother was clearly RIGHT/GOOD.

Having witnessed my mother’s violence and suicide threats early on, as a child, I hardly ever gone out to play. Instead, I stayed home alone with my mother- so to guard her threatened life: to be there when she got crazy and to take into me her craziness (so that she had less crazy in her, craziness that would to lead her to kill herself). My sister spent a lot of her time growing up outside the home, with friends. She was very popular and social and seemed happy. She looked up to my mother, idolized her and thought she was a perfect mother, while I harbored so much anger at my mother (anger and empathy, I was terribly conflicted). I often experienced my mother as Bad. My sister’s experienced her as Perfectly Good. But she too experienced my mother’s crazy behaviors and violence: while I suffered from trauma related OCD and bodily tics (Tourette Syndrome), my sister suffered from trauma related migraines and occasional fainting.

Growing up, I thought my sister was normal and happy. I realized she was not after I moved to another country (so to escape my mother), and my sister, at 18, remained alone with my mother. At that point, my mother told my sister whom to marry (a bad choice) and much more. My sister’s own words later on was that she was a puppet on strings, my mother- who she thought was perfect- moved the strings any which way, and my sister blindly and passively obeyed, which led to my sister having, overall, a dysfunctional life. Also, I had therapy, my sister did not.

For the first 18 years of my sister’s life, she was in a better situation- and had a better childhood- because I was the main recipient of my mother’s verbal and physical violence: I fulfilled that role. I did not have an older sibling to take on that role: it was my cross to bear.

And now, to you and your 13-years-older sister: “She suffered much more as the older child, she was never accepted as she was…  the fight between her and my mom wouldn’t stop…  I was 12 years old when fights between her and my parents were the worst… my mom was too sick to torture me as bad as she tortured my sister… My sister was always the black sheep of the family“-

– the fights between your mother and sister were the worst when your sister was 25. It is amazing to me: I was 24 and nine months when I left my country so to escape my mother. It was after.. I don’t know how many years, 15 years perhaps, definitely more than 10 years (throughout my teenage years) of my acute suffering from the conflict of empathy for my mother (feeling sorry for her, tortured by guilt and shame in regard to being a bad daughter) and anger at her. I wanted to be FREE so badly.

(Unfortunately, following a couple of months of magical, intoxicating freedom, she was physically back in my life and the torture continued).

“I actually once told my mom directly that I wouldn’t let her bring me down like (she brought down) my sister, I don’t remember the context, but she was shocked to hear that. She was actually speechless but then she brushed it off”– your sister took that role of being the main recipient of your mother’s abuse. Maybe it was after your sister was living in another country that your mother needed you in that role…?

In summary, for now: the dynamics between your mother and older sister, between your father, mother, older siblings and other family members- none of it was or has ever been your fault. In regard to your sister-yourself: you deserved her empathy, not her hostility. She is guilty of her inconsiderate and hostile words and behaviors toward you.

Having been in her shoes though, I do not fault her for her anger toward your mother, not before and not after your mother’s death. I can tell you confidently that no daughter loved her mother more than I loved my mother- as a child and onward. Believe me when I say that there are mothers that turn a child’s most beautiful, loving heart into an angry, hateful heart. I am no longer consumed by anger at my mother because I promised myself that no matter what, she- my mother- will never be part of my life, that I will never see her or hear her voice… no matter what.

anita