Dear farnaz,

I agree with anita: don’t force yourself to forgive someone before you have expressed and processed your anger (and if someone abused you or tried to take advantage of you, your anger is justified!).

I like how anita put it: don’t try to forgive them before you “listen to the message in your anger” and “fully understand what they did to you, that it was wrong to do it to you, that you didn’t deserve it, and that the Wrong belongs to Them, not to You“.

Only when we understand and can articulate the person’s wrong-doing, and express our anger in a safe environment (not to their face, but in a safe environment, either of our own home, or in therapy) – I think that only then can we say with fortitude: I won’t let this happen again! Only then can we draw our boundaries clearly and stand by them.

And when that happens – once we’re clear on what we won’t allow anymore, i.e. what are our boundaries – I think this is what opens us up for forgiveness. Something like: I forgive what you’ve done to me, but I’ll never let you do that to me again! Standing with clarity and determination to not allow to be abused again.

I haven’t thought about it before, but it seems to me that this is what processing anger really means: first feel it, understand it, express it (safely), make a decision to not let it happen again i.e. to from now on protect your boundaries, and then – forgive.

Dear famaz:

“I don`t know how that works exactly… processing your anger“- in the context of this forum: we both don’t know if and how it works. We can try. I will start by bringing up to my mind one memory where I was abused, and the anger I felt-feel,  and I will express my anger in words. You can do the same later, regarding a chosen memory of yours, if you want.

In my mind’s eye I see my mother- a tall, strong figure-  looking at me- a small, weak child- with disdain, letting me know in no uncertain terms, by the look in her eyes, that I am an inferior specimen; an undesirable, defected, inadequate product, a mistake that she- the best mother in the world- was stuck with because she has bad luck.

I see, still in my mind’s eye, the child that I was lowering her gaze, looking down at the floor, while she, the tall-strong figure, is spitting words at me, shaming, humiliating words, while she  swings her right arm to the right, to the left, and hits my face with an open big hand, right cheek, left cheek… hot cheeks, hot from her hand and from my anger and humiliation…. “ZERO, ZERO, one BIG ZERO” she says, she screams. The child waits until the tall-strong figure gets tired, hoping she’ll be pleased that I am hurt enough, that I do not resist. She gets tired, she looks at her arms and says: look what YOU did to me, my arms are tired because of YOU!

Next image: I see the child growing into a tall and strong figure, this is me.. and I see her shrink into a small, weak figure and I see my big right hand become a fist and I punch her right in the face, boom! BOOM! Her face fractures, pieces disintegrate and disperse in all directions, and her body falls to the floor, like broken pieces of furniture. And I step on those pieces and smash them to nothingness, SMASH! SMASH! SMASH!.

I look around me: nothing moves, nothing is said.. silence… no more shame, no more pain… huh.. life can be this good…

Done with my imagery/ processing. When I hit her face (in the imagery) there was a tingling sensation around my heart, and now, I don’t feel as tired as I felt before the imagery, I feel stronger, more in charge… like life can be this good.

* A disclaimer: this has been only an imagery, of course, I do not recommend violence in real life.

anita

Dear famaz:

You are welcome to proceed anytime.. if you so choose. But please stay true to the Forums Guidelines for a Positive Space (click Forums at the top of the page to read about the guidelines), and also-  please add a disclaimer, like I did.

anita

Dear famaz:

The reason I brought up the time zone issue 2 days ago was that I thought that if you chose to do the anger-exercise and if you wanted a quick response from me, then you may want to submit your anger-exercise-post while I am online. If you are okay with not receiving a quick response, you can submit a post any time and I will reply within an hour or within 10 hours or so. If you choose to not do the exercise, that’s fine with me: you can talk about anything you wish.

anita

Dear Famaz:

I already started (my imagery two days ago, above). I am fine with starting again, but how would you like me to start?

anita

Dear Famaz:

My imagery was about real-life events (2nd & 3rd paragraphs),  except for the part that starts with “Next image” (4th paragraph: I didn’t really punch her). Please do go on with your real situation.

anita