Dear Farnaz:

“I tried not to search for heavy stuff like politics and religion. I[‘d rather be exhausted with work or any physical work than try to dissect and find the meaning of things“- as far as understanding the psychology of our respective parents, it seems to me that you, like me, have been interested in dissecting and finding meaning in understanding them (and ourselves) better.

“She wasn’t realistic, she was negative and miserable, that applied to my mom too. I believe they didn’t trust themselves at all… couldn’t handle hard issues, like balancing between the difference (between) them and their children’s character, and solve familial dispute with respect and love. They didn’t have the emotional maturity and patience to manage it, so  they would freak out, make a scene, blame everyone, and try to control the situation by aggression and character assassination” – very well said!

“My only guess is because you overpowered her. It wasn’t joyful for her to intimidate you, you got stronger and she sensed it“- yes, it is not joyful to be overpowered by another. The joy is in overpowering the other.

“these kinds of people are very good at judging who they can manipulate and use for their own benefit“- yes, only that their own long-term benefit required a different kind of behavior (the kind that fits respect and love… emotional maturity and patience, your words above). Their short-term benefit was simply to feel better at the moment, and that, they achieved.

“It’s highly possible she found someone else to torture after a while“- yes, the next person she tortured after I left was my younger sister (she focused on her more and tortured her more than she did before).

“I’m so sorry for that, that’s so painful, but I think she thinks of you as a continuum of herself, and she saw herself, so we’re nothing too. Of  that I’m sure“- she projected her feeling of being a Nothing into me, yes. But she didn’t perceive me to be a continuum, or a continuation of herself. In her mind, I was very much a Stranger, and too often, an enemy.

“About Ted Bundy… I didn’t know he had family members in jail..“- no, I was talking about another criminal, his name was Charles Manson. He had young people who followed him: not members of his biological family, but people who were called (in the news and in books) “The Family”. I will look into Inside the Death Row by Trevor McDonald later on and tell you about it.

anita

Re-submitting:

Dear Farnaz:

“I once read somewhere ‘.. narcissists and other people with manipulative tendencies… want to mess with your mind’…  if you see the situation clearly, that would certainly help you to RESPOND well to it much better, and not react out of desperation, but the aim of our parents was to distort the reality of ours, so we wouldn’t see them at fault, and we wouldn’t trust our judgment… then we would be a punching bags who are not going to resist, and that would be an ideal situation for them“-

-it amazes me that they, the parents who manipulate their children this way, did not study how to do this in school. Parents who did not attend any school at all, not even grammar school (let alone a university), parents with a lower IQ perform this manipulation successfully.  This means that this parental manipulation has been passed on from one generation to the next for hundreds of years, and it’s almost instinctive for many.

But for the victims of this manipulation, it takes a higher IQ, education and years of hard work to undo the mess created by this manipulation. Those who do not undo it, repeat it to their children, and this tradition continues.

“Most of criminals are not born bad, they become messed up… some of them don’t get a chance to get a better life at no point, and that`s just heart breaking“- there are convicted murderers (Leslie Van Houten comes to mind, one of Charles Manson’s followers who was imprisoned at 19 and is now 72 years old) who has done a lot of good in prison, for other inmates.

“You are going to be more free in the future for sure. Hopefully me too“- as 2022 comes to a close, how about a freer 2023 for you and for me?!

“Thank you for your understanding, I should add about that doctor: I have no doubt that he was way out of the line to say the least, and very cruel to me. Whatever I said to him, he was absolutely deserving it. I meant other people as my aunt and the step mom and other people who crossed me and took me for a sucker.. I feel like in some cases, I went 180 degree different, and that was very weird in their point of view, or suddenly exploded, and it was so shocking“-

– You are welcome. The paragraph I quoted right above reminds me that you shared earlier that- like me- you too were diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I understand that the heart doctor, your aunt and step mother deserved some, if not all of your angry words, but what about “other people who crossed (you)”, did all of them deserve your words and sudden explosions?

Also, how did you feel when exploding at the doctor.. and after: was it all joy or was there a conflict within you, some leftover distress over it?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“Can you imagine if they were actually smart? their ability to destroy others’ life would be much worse“- if they were smart, they wouldn’t destroy other people’s lives more; they wouldn’t destroy other people’s lives at all! (Ex.: It would have worked for my mother’s benefit if she did NOT destroy so much of my life).

“Most people with manipulating behavior are relying too much on power of their words and effect their word have on others, they are too lazy or too dumb… They want credit without doing anything so they can prove they are smarter than others“- some manipulative people are lazy, others are hard-working; some have a low IQ, others have a high IQ; some are often arrogant, others often put themselves down when talking to others.

“I don’t have that faith in new year resolution, lol“- I don’t believe that any particular date has an objective, real power in regard to the success or failure of resolutions.

“I enjoyed it, not because he deserved that, but because all the expectations he did have regarding having sex with me, and actually treating me like trash… he was so wrong..“- yes, he was wrong, of course he was wrong: you did not deserve to be treated like a sexual object. It is painful for a human being to be treated like an object. As far as you telling him that his mother is or was a wh***, I’d say it was not a good idea simply because this insult could not possibly make him treat women better in the future. On the contrary, it is likely to cause him to continue to think less of women and treat women as less. It would have been better if you expressed your valid hurt and anger genuinely and without insults. There would have been a chance then, however small,  that he would consider what you say to him and change his behaviors to the better.

“About other situations, I feel like I could be more assertive and upfront about what I don’t like.. so anger wouldn’t accumulate in me and make me suddenly explode“- this dynamic of keeping things inside and then exploding is the hallmark of bpd behavior. Learning and practicing assertiveness skills is key to changing this behavior.

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“It feels, you are angry at something, or maybe it’s holiday blues??“- Following reading your post yesterday (Dec 31, about 20 hours ago), I felt that you were angry with me, at least a bit angry, as in annoyed with me, when following quoting me (“how about a freer 2023 for you and for me?!“), you wrote: “that’s great, but we don’t need new year or any other special occasion, do we? Let’s day I don’t have faith in new year resolution, lol. We don’t actually celebrate New Year now” – I thought that you were annoyed with me for bringing up the new year/  new-year-resolution. This is why I didn’t wish you a happy new year and also, my heart closed to you a bit, thinking that you are angry with me and will not want to communicate with me anymore. Interestingly enough, before I got to the computer this morning, I was going to ask you if you were angry with me?!!! I thought to myself that as part of the bpd diagnosis, a person does get annoyed with everyone, sooner or later, and ends contact with.. well, everyone (which leads to the “loneliness” in the title of your thread, and my own history of loneliness). By the way, my favorite part of the holidays is when they are over.. so I am looking forward to tomorrow! I like regular days!!!

“I don’t see any reason to help him… so what’s the point, he didn’t see anything wrong with his behavior… so the change of him changing is zero… I don’t see any point in talking about him here either. He doesn’t deserve my time, neither yours“-your anger at him deserves my time. My anger ruled my life, anger and fear, I’d say. So, whatever anger is strong in you deserves your time and mine.

You shared that you were diagnosed with bpd, and so have I. Wikipedia: Borderline personality disorder (BPD), also known as emotionally unstable personality disorder (EUPD), is a personality disorder characterized by a long-term pattern of unstable interpersonal relationships, distorted sense of self, and strong emotional reactions… * Unstable and chaotic interpersonal relationships, often characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation, also known as ‘splitting’… * Inappropriate, intense anger that can be difficult to control…”

very well mind: “Many people with borderline personality disorder (BPD) experience anger so intense it is often referred to as ‘borderline rage‘.  This anger sometimes comes in response to a perceived interpersonal slight—for example, feeling criticized”, choosing therapy. com: “Uncontrollable anger is prevalent for people with BPD. While not everyone with BPD will encounter this symptom, those who do (and the people around them), struggle greatly. Often referred to as BPD rage, this is an explosive reaction related to extreme anger.. Many individuals with BPD have low tolerance toward stressful and annoying situations. Trivial things can drive them over the edge and easily turn into an uncontrollable episode of ire”.

What do you think/ feel? Personally, I have a lot of experience with borderline rage on the receiving end (my mother being the source) and on the dispensing end (I exploded at people.. not at my mother, not at bad people, but at people who did not at all deserve it, sadly.. I wish I didn’t. I no longer do and I no longer fit the diagnosis otherwise).

anita

Dear Farnaz:

I am on my way out, so I will read and reply to your recent post in a few hours (or on Mon morning). For now, have a happy new year, and good night!

anita

Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome and thank you for being honest with me. You shared, paraphrased that two days ago you were angry (but not at me) when I brought up the topic of new year resolutions because it reminded you of your past failed new year resolutions, and you shared that you were angry at me in regard to the doctor we’ve been discussing:

“I got annoyed when you told me saying to the doctor that his mom is a wh*** wouldn’t be helping him, it angered me that you think I should help him when he basically kicked me when I was down”-

-I have to correct your misunderstanding here, and you can re-read my previous writing on the matter and see for yourself: I did not suggest that you should help him, but that you could have helped- maybe- the next woman available to him-by not calling his mother a wh***, and instead by expressing your valid hurt and anger otherwise. When you called his mother a wh***, the most you achieved was to harden his heart further, making him despise women even more. If you told him how very wrong his behaviors were (listing those behaviors clearly)  because of how they made you feel, maybe.. just maybe he’d behave differently in the future, for the sake of other people with whom he will be interacting.

I better stop here to get your reaction to what I wrote here before I reply to the rest of your post.

anita