dear Anita

good to hear from you ,

here is cloudy as always

i actually liked reading novels a lot when i was a teenage , in recent years i was interested in mystery and i started with agatha christie books and miniseries , until i ran out of them , so i searched for a new source for fulfilling my appetite for mystery and i found shows like dateline mystery , 48 hours and another channels . there are alot of them . i follow that chapter and bailey sarian every week , they are both witty and that makes the awful stories a little bit lighter . out of many shows i watched some of stories where so complicated and interesting such as the case of Shillah Davallouh , who was an Iranian immigrant in US and she was going to kill her second victim but she was caught , i think she had the potential to become a serial killer , i think you watch or read about her , she was a pretty infamous one . the another one was the case of bob mac clancy , these 2 were one of the most twisted crimes , of course the cases of casey anthony and jody arias were interesting too . i watched a lot of sitcoms  and snl (the old episodes) , i don`t want too heavy subjects in my mind.

saying that her mother is indeed a monster. i watched that show , she said her mom was normal at first and was happy to hear from her but at the end she got too delusional and she cut the contact with her for good.

misery likes company, the saying goes. It makes them feel less alone. so true .

 they are shallow: they don’t care about/ value deep things like honesty, human decency, empathy, fairness, humility, win-win relationships with people, and so  forth, so they don’t compete in regard to these things. It’s all about ME and LOOK AT ME. There’s very little depth to that me. i should admit i used to be very shallow too , im hopefully a lot deeper now . i was looking for meaning in things , i wrote in my first posts that i felt superior and that wasnt working for me , but i didnt know that . so i had to go through alot of s### to realize im no better than any one and i dont need to be , for me the turning point was , the moment i realized nothing would matter if i dont have anything to offer , and its not for bribing people to like me or the need to be needed but its the service your giving to others and what you can do to make their life better ,that matters , it gives you a sense of fulfillment and you can be happy and at ease with yourself when you go to bed at night. or you can have money and other THINGS which makes you feel rich but if you dont have anything to live for or you dont do anything meaningful , what’s the point ? obviously people are different  and im not saying a rich housewife is shallow and unkind they actually can have a fulfilled life by doing what the are interested they have the time and money to do it  . i personally havent met a truly hardworking and helpful person who is arrogant . i havent seen a shallow person to be happy either and they dont others to be happy , at best they are indifferent , at worst they are actively making others life miserable .

 I think that it has to do with the very traditional social role of women: that of not going out there into the world and initiating, making things happen (work, money, marriage, home), but instead, the women stay put and  try to get men’s attention(by physically appearing attractive, flirting, and whatnot), so that the men will give them what they need (marriage, home, money, children). Traditionally, women focus on getting attention instead of developing the depth needed to get into and advance themselves in the workplace, etc. soo true and i ve never think of them in this perspective , i dont think they can think of working at all , at least the aunt i talked about . nowadays most women are working outside but in this particular family  even the wives of her sons are housewives despite being educated  ,and  all of them and most of her nieces . thats very unusual . and they never talked about the carrier of other women to evaluating them , even though they are constantly evaluating others , because they dont have anything to do i guess .  they comment about the appearance and how they look (fatter or thinner *than before but never comment about carrier and the abilities .

and thats why the other women are threats , because obviously they are going to reduce the chance to get a husband who would provide for them . i dont know what to say ? they don`t see any different way to live but that would be nice if they reminded their own business and not trying to change other people.

. I needed her to stamp me with a figurative OK stamp before I felt deserving of feeling okay. i m glad you dont need it anymore and i know that`s very hard to achieve and feel so good after all ,to be FREE .

 Her sickness has been her misfortune and my own. i`m sure she enjoyed it too , i mean she had the perfect excuse

 While trying to fix her, I got sicker and sicker. thats the main problem.  for a young child trying to fix their parents feel so normal , but we arent equipped to do that ,not even in adulthood and these people wanted to drag us down even if they dont know it  , they dont want to get better in most of times.

 If I was you, I’d probably consider immigrating to the U.S., or elsewhere, where medical doctors get paid a lot. the very hard years are when you are studying for specialities , once you get your degree you are gonna have a very good life , but you are right US  is very good countries for physicians , a lot of people recommend it and i am always considering to go abroad , everyone is Iran is actually , let`s see .

My sweet tooth is huge. mine too , i try to defeat it every day . screw it i dont need sugar to be happy , it doesnt have a power over me  , lol

far

dear Anita

i used to get very frustrated when i was studying abroad , because every one would think Iran is a dessert and there is no rain or snow and greenery but to be fair the most part of iran is desert and the north is the only region which is green all the time .

 She would be 110 when she is released from prison, if she lives that long..  not likely, of course. My goodness. hell no  . she was so creepy , she was her own lawyer , as most narcs choose to do it . as she was interrogating her own ex husband whom she attempted to kill , the questions she asked him and her attempt to discredit him was  so cringy and weird.

 of course you are deeper now, as deep as can be, I say! thank you,that`s so nice of you .

you substituted a deep value for things. yes and also for people who weren`t worthy , to be honest people and their opinion in general .

 I don’t know if I know of.. happy people. Sometimes happy, yes, but not on a regular, ongoing basis. Throughout childhood, we all get a fair amount of happiness squeezed out of us, is my experience. of course happy people are not happy all the times , but they approach their problems differently which usually dont get them more miserable than necessary . you can face a problem with blaming everyone , god and your perceived misfortune in life or you can skip that part and instead of asking why that happened , looking for ways to control the damage and be your best friend . that all happens in the mind . in childhood we were blissfully naive , we didnt see the ugly side of the world or we couldn`t recognize it as wrong and ugly , so we were happier .

 this is what I grew up, maybe even more than you did, heavy duty criticisms of how people look. It is embarrassing to even remember it! and i`m 99% sure it comes from people who considered themselves as the most smart and sophisticated

 I helped her after all, by.. being there, doing nothing (other than passively receiving her abuse). im  sorry for the experience and for the time you wasted for fixing her , and im curious what was her reaction when you stopped contacting her ? i can imagine that can`t be good .

 how exciting, the idea that you might…awwww thank you.

i should take a milion exams though .

 this is the Farnaz Attitude that I love!!! lol , that`s why i said that and i mean it

have a good night sleep

far

dear Anita

thank you for your note , can`t wait to hear from you soon and take care

far

dear Anita

so you live in Washington , i have an old classmate who lives in washington dc . i know it`s cold and i heard it snowed very heavily in some states of US, i hope you are ok in your evergreen state .

very good point. Some people “solve” their problems by making their problems bigger, and then even BIGGER. i know some people who are expert doing this , maybe im been condescending . i guess that should somehow work for them , maybe they want to be busy with their problems and not thinking abut bigger stuff which are mind bugling for them , i know thats true for my brother as an example.

for me i know im overthinker  and sensitive and as i said i tried not search for heavy stuff like politics and religion , ive rather to be exhausted with work or any physical work that try to dissect and find the meaning of things . thats why i guess i dont make my life harder .

 not in my case: my mother was right there at the start of my life, to tell me and show me how ugly the world is. I have no memory whatsoever of ever being blissfully naive. but she wasnt realistic , she was negative and miserable , that applied to my mom too , i believe they didnt trust themselves at all and they were right , they couldnt handle hard issues , like balancing between the difference of them and their children character and solve familial dispute with respect and love . they didnt have the emotional maturity and patience to manage it so  they would freak out , make a scene and blaming everyone and try to control the situation by aggression and character assassination .

no, to my surprise, she did not protest or chase me for contact, not in any way, shape or form that is strange but my only guess is because you overpowered her , it wasnt joyful for her to intimidate you , you got stronger and she sensed it, these kind of people are very good in judging who they can manipulate and use for their own benefits  and im sure, she wasnt happy about it , its highly possible she found someone else to torture after a while .

I used to think, as a child, that she couldn’t live without me, that I was the center of her life. I was very wrong. Truth is.. she was my Everything, and I was Nothing much to her. After all, she told me when angry, her words: “You are Nothing, a big Zero!“. Looking back at all of the situations that I remember, situations that included me, her and other people (and she was not at all angry): she treated the other people as Somebodies and me.. as a Nobody. im so sorry for that , thats so painful , but i think , she think of you as a continuum of herself and she saw herself as nothing so were nothing too. that i`m sure about .

I wonder if, for now, it’d significantly easier and faster for you to get certified to work in the U.S. as a Registered Nurse (RN) or better, as a Nurse Practitioner (NP)– they make so much money and there is a great shortage of nurses here. interesting , in Iran there is  also a shortage for nurses .  i have some plans in my mind and i`m going to search about working as a registered nurse  or NP too , thank you for suggestion , and by the way what is the meaning of registered nurse , is there multiple ways to become a nurse except going to university ?

far