Dear Farnaz:

I meant that walking through life, literally and figuratively, as an adult (18 years and older), I didn’t pay much attention to what was around me. I was very spaced out, living in my own head.. simply not registering my surroundings. An example that stuck: I once … found myself in the middle of a busy street, awakened from.. almost a dream, I suppose, by the rushing of a heavy truck right in front of me. The noise of the truck awakened me and I didn’t remember myself walking toward a street or crossing it. Otherwise, I didn’t look at people around me unless they were clearly and directly approaching me. Therefore, I didn’t choose people. Does this answer your question?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“As I was living in my head… I didn’t care about who I’m spending  time with, as the title of my post (indicates), I was surrounded by bitter people and not nice ones and I didn’t care… because in my life, it was only me who could help me…that became a normal. But  you want to be around positive people who can at least keep your spirit up, I underestimated the role of others in my happiness or misery a lot, and I paid for it dearly“-

-in what ways did you dearly pay for underestimating the role of others (who were not your family members) in your happiness or misery?

In my adult life, I hoped that someone (particularly a man, I guess because it were men who approached me, not women) will save me from my mother somehow, someone to give me safety and an okay feeling, for a change. Did you have that hope, that dream?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“They mistreated me and bullied me, and I was too forgiving. In my mind this was normal, if I couldn’t get along with them, that was my fault and it was according to my mom. I haven’t even heard about the standards a friend should have, e.g. trustworthy, having my back…I was giving my power to them…“- the Farnaz I’ve been talking with in these 10 pages, came a long way…didn’t she? I can’t imagine a person who expresses herself the way you do, submitting to bullies. I can’t imagine you being passive in the face of abuse… giving your power away.

Did you change that much?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

You are welcome! In your most recent post you shared that currently, if you are aware that someone crosses you, you are “assertive as hell” (I like the expression), that your father was subtle in the ways he crossed you/ the ways he took advantage of you: “my father… (was) subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“, and that your mother was not subtle in the ways she crossed you: “my mom… (was) more open and wanted to intimidate me“.

“if somebody crosses me, I’m assertive as hell, I’m gonna call them out, not all the time though, some people including my father… were more subtle and at times, I wasn’t aware I was taken advantage of“-

In your original post you wrote on Nov 6 (exactly a month ago!): “My father was an ok guy not perfect of course, he lied a lot to me… Even before he got married he was very sneaky and passive aggressive with me” – you wrote this at the age of 38, looking back all the way to your childhood, with some awareness that you gained years after your childhood.

I think that when you were a child, in your child-mind, your father was The Good Parent, The perfect guy, and the leftover of that belief is in what you expressed in the original post (describing him as “an ok guy, not perfect of course“, right before stating that he lied to you a lot). I think that your self-esteem is quite strong now because you were able- as a child and for long enough- to maintain this belief in him being the good guy, pushing his lies and sneaky behaviors away from your awareness.

I think that you tolerated the “bitter people” while he was alive because in your child-mind, he was still the good/ perfect guy, so you maintained contact with the people who came with him. “After his death, I changed my opinion about people around me, partly because I realized life is too short to waste (it) with people who I don’t really enjoy being with” (Nov 6)- there was no reason to maintain these people once he was gone.

I think that your mother, in her unsubtle, openly hostile ways made your father look like the good guy in comparison, and much of your self-esteem- as a child- has been tied to seeing him this way.

Yesterday, you shared: “(I hung) out with people who were similar to my family, I couldn’t count on them, they betrayed me, they mistreated me and bullied me, and I was too forgiving. In my mind, this was normal“- I think that you included your father in this sentence, only he did the bullying etc. in subtle ways, and you forgave him when you were a child and onward because he was the best of what was available to you. A child has to believe that someone in her family is trustworthy, otherwise, it’s disastrous to the child’s psyche. I am glad that your father was subtle enough to make it possible for you to be able to push his hostility outside your awareness for long enough.

Back to your most recent pos: “I know I’m a strong person… strong or foolish?? enough to forgive him“- I think that it was not at all foolish of you, as a child (and for as long as you needed to), to forgive him and to see him in the best light that was available to you. If you didn’t.. you wouldn’t turn out to be the strong woman that you are today.

I asked you: “Did you change that much?“, and you answered: “yes I did , a lot. I have now zero tolerance for other’s bs, that’s why I cut ties with lots of people and I have no regrets“- you are now able to see your father as he was and therefore, you are able to let go of the people who were connected to him. Your self-esteem and confidence now reside in who you are (not in who your parents were… or weren’t), in your ability to evaluate people with awareness and honesty… and in your ability now to choose people who are right for you.

anita

Thank you for the note, Farnaz. See you tomorrow!

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“I don’t know why replying to this particular post was hard for me. I almost cried when reading it“- I think that it’s your past love for your father that made you cry, a past love that is still there.

“I had a mixed feeling of happiness and grief. I said it before, this is the end of an era. Nothing is gonna (be) like before, and I am sad but hopeful at the same time. I loved my dad from early childhood, and he was the one who I believed loved me the most… he was a liar and a back stabber“- of the possible sources of love in your childhood, he was the best (or the least bad). When a person is thirsty enough, he/ she will drink water that is a bit muddy, if that’s the only water available. I think that the end of the era is about you preparing to quench your thirst with water that is not muddied by lies and back stabbing.

“I learned to love him despite (knowing) he was liar and back stabber“- you had no choice but to love him as a child because he was the closest to love that was available to you, and you had to have something in your life that- at least at times-  looked like love, sounded like love, and felt like love.

“I learned to find my way and define myself as a separate being… I remember I was a happy kid when I was 7 to 11, I  danced without any music all the time…  I was so naive,  joyful and blissfully ignorant and I wondered if I could  return to that time, of course it’s not possible“- it’s not possible for you to go back in time. But it is possible for you to dance with or without music.

“I trust myself much more than before, and if that’s not a cause for celebration, I don’t know what is?“- trusting yourself is definitely a cause for celebration!!!

“We can be super cautious and scared of past experiences, but I believe that couldn’t help us. I was isolated and not really dealing with lots of people and I still got hurt“- if you no longer have mud in your water, you can drink it without caution and fear. Imagine that…?

anita

Dear Farnaz:

“when we are children, we are told that the people who have our best interests are our parents and nobody gonna be that way“- we are told that by our parents (self-serving) and by other people who are parents to other children (self-serving). Parental power is necessary when raising children, and it is a good thing (children need their parents to be powerful). Problem is when this power is abused.

Look at the ending of the quote I am responding to: “and nobody gonna be that way“- this is what possessive parents say, parents who abuse their power as parents. There is nothing loving about parents implementing the idea/ belief in their children’s minds that there will be no love for them for the rest of their lives, other than… parental possession, which is not parental love.

“It makes it very hard to believe that they can be selfish and self-serving“- believe what is true, no matter it being easy or hard to believe.

“I don’t deny the fact that my parents put a lot of efforts on improving their children’s lives… the main reason was making themselves happy and if we succeed that would make them look good.. other people’s opinion mattered more than our feelings“- their motivation: to make themselves happy, to make themselves look good, by pleasing other people in their lives, their neighbors, friends, siblings, strangers.

“so they could lie and mistreat us as long as it served them , in my father’s case, he couldn’t hurt her as much as me because she could divorced him, but I couldn’t. it is so nasty to view your children like that“- nasty for us (and for our children, if we repeat and maintain this tradition of abusing  parental power), but not nasty for them. For the millions of parents who abuse their power.. it’s business as usual. It was done to them.. now, it’s their turn.

“do you believe the only people who have our best interests are our parents? I guess not, I met people who were selfless and kind, there are not many. But still“- I think  that parents (having power over  their children) are less likely to have their children’s best interest in mind and heart than most strangers. Most people abuse power when power is available to them, and parents are no exception. Becoming a parent is the most common way- for the masses- to gain power. No wonder it is abused so much.

Abusing parental power is the opposite of having the children’s best interest in mind and heart. The thing with strangers who do not have power over you, is that they have no power to abuse; so, they are more likely to have your best interest in mind and heart.

anita