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being step mum

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  • November 26, 2014 at 12:46 pm #68427
    belove
    Participant

    Dear Laia,

    Step-parenting is hard and you have my hugs. I was in a step-mom situation ~20 years ago. And it was hard. I was so young and it was a big job. I now have 2 kids of my own, 5 & 10, that I am co-parenting with their dad. And I can share with you that kids are smart. Yes, they are affected by the grownups, but they have their own intuition too. They know who loves them. Sometimes, there’s not too much we can do, but to give love, to show love. As you said, she became genuinely happy after a few days being at your house. Love always wins, I think. She even wants to call you mom. That is so so sweet. The kid knows. Give love and have faith that things will get better. She might be affected by negativity 50% of time. But the opposite is true. She can receive positive influence from you both the other 50% of the time. She’s confused now because she is still so young. But she will get it, and soon she will be able to see things for what they really are. My love and hugs to you. Please take care of your bump too. You sound like a beautiful soul, so I know things will be great.
    “If you believe it will work out, you’ll see opportunities. If you believe it won’t, you will see obstacles.” ~ Wayne Dyer

    • This reply was modified 10 years, 3 months ago by tinybuddha.
    November 27, 2014 at 1:24 am #68449
    Janice
    Participant

    Dear Laia,
    My baby sister (strictly speaking only half sister) went through a similar situation when her parents divorced when she was five years old. It’s understandable that your step-daughter is difficult during the first hours of your contact. She is confused and probably doesn’t want to lose either of her parents. She may be afraid that by loving you and your partner, she may lose her mother. That’s why I think you’re doing exactly the right thing. You talk about her mother, not in a negative but in a positive way. You let her express her feelings. Give her the feeling that she is loved unconditionally. Give her the feeling that she doesn’t have to decide.

    I don’t know if there is any possibility to ask the mother for a diplomatic and peaceful conversation on how to co-parent, communicating to her that you don’t intend any harm. Maybe even with the possibility of a mediator? But probably you’ve tried that already?
    You cannot control the mother’s behaviour. You can only do your part, but you can’t change how other people behave. And it’s sad because you can see how much pain it’s causing, but you can only control your own behaviour. And by giving your step-daughter a place of love and positive communication around all parents, you are making a huge difference.

    My sister is now a teenager and though she’s struggling in some aspects, she has become a very confident, strong and resilient girl, despite all the negativity she experienced. And I’m very certain that that’s because there were people in her life who gave her unconditional love and understanding.

    Stay strong and positive and trust that you’re doing the best you can in your situation.

    Much love

    November 27, 2014 at 8:11 am #68454
    Laia
    Participant

    Thank you both for your kind words. I´m sitting here crying reading them. love to you both. xxx

    November 27, 2014 at 10:19 am #68460
    Janice
    Participant

    I’m very happy that my reply means so much to you. I feel touched by your response, thanks for your love. All the best to you x

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