Dear Susy:

It reads to me that he was very much interested in you from the beginning of the 24/7 online communication and this is why he traveled to be with you in your country. Interested in being with you, spending time with you, being sexually intimate with you.

At one point, maybe after the visit with you ended,  he no longer wanted to be with you, so he ended the relationship.

“Somewhere I read that men can’t think straight before sex, women after”-

– he wanted to spend time with you and have sex with you. Maybe he considered a long term relationship with you, but his main motivation was to spend physical time with you, to have a romance-and-sex experience. He had that on that one visit with you and when the visit was over, soon after if not right away, he didn’t want romance-and-sex with you anymore.

When a dishonest man  wants to have sex with a woman, he will say things to cause her to be motivated to have sex with him. It is almost a sexual ritual: you are pretty/ You are kind/ I like you/ I love you! He will suggest a future with her (“He even talked about how could we make things work in long distance. And if I was willing to move to another country in a year or so”), and he will make her feel special, suggesting in this case that he is willing to have you stay in his flat while he doesn’t let anyone else stay in his flat. You wrote: “no one ever was invited to his flat, not even family. They always stayed in a hotel. So  it meant a lot probably”-

Let’s look at this last quote: first, the obvious- it so happens you didn’t stay in his flat, so.. well, you didn’t. Second, what does it mean that no  one was ever invited to his flat- did you ask him why?

If you asked him this Why, you would find out better if indeed his comment reveals that you are special to him, or it reveals that he wanted you to feel special so to have sex with you.

In summary: you are welcome to ignore my suggestion that this man is dishonest, not  confused, mind you, but dishonest. If you keep my suggestion in mind as a remote possibility- pay attention to future communications with him. You may see it for yourself.

(He may be honest in the future, have a change of mind-and-heart and well.. change. But it didn’t happen yet).

anita

Dear Susy:

Thank you for your note to me, above. I appreciate it. Well, post again anytime you want to. I do enjoy learning about people, putting the pieces together, adjusting the picture over time, with new information.

anita

Dear Susy:

To judge, or to evaluate a man correctly, take your time and pay attention. Take into consideration the sexual element: men, especially younger men, are often highly motivated to have sex with women (heterosexual men, that is)- in that motivation many say things (or type them/ text them)-> don’t take their words as the absolute truth, incorporate their motivation into your understanding of what they say.

Often men like variety, that is, they get excited over the prospect of sex with one woman but they are not invested in having sex only with this one woman forever more. They see other attractive women and soon enough, they feel that it is time for a change, time to experience sex with a new woman, if one is available, or go back to a previous woman.

This man was online with you 24/7, very interested, then he offered to travel to see you, have a real date, he said. What to do, retroactively, that is- you tell him:”That will be wonderful but there will be no sex. I will need to date you for about two months, in-person, before I consider sex with you. If you want to travel to see me anyway, let me know.

Let’s say he travels anyway but you can tell he didn’t take what you said seriously and tries to have sex with you.. then you get to  know him more: he didn’t take what you told him seriously! Not a good basis for a relationship.

Let’s say he travels and doesn’t pressure you, doesn’t try to romance you, dine and wine you toward sex- you learn something valuable: he traveled all the way to get to know me in-person, respected what I said to him, left after the visit, still interested… there is something special here!

anita