Hi RoseQ,

I read Norwood’s book recently and also looked into codependency and codependent relationships. Unlike you, my tendency to engage in codependency has an identifiable cause in my childhood. I was wondering what you thought about the resonance you find with Norwood’s ideas stemming probably from the wider societal standards and/or your expectations about a woman’s role? (I also have that to consider in my behaviour).

Best,

Gia

Dear RoseQ:

“when I am single, I am happy, independent and feel very strong. As soon as I start to have feelings for someone, I become weak… As soon as I started to have feelings for him, I noticed something dark inside me starting to grow… I started to believe he was lying to me when he said he cared about me… a little voice inside my head was constantly feeding me negative chatter about him. But at the same time, I felt completely attached to him.. as if I was completely helpless without him!.. It’s like a little demon inside of me that is brought back to life as soon as I have a chance at love…

(alcohol, drug abuse, parents fighting all the time)..  I cannot relate as I had a great childhood”.

My understanding: when you are in a relationship with a man, as soon as you start feeling an emotional attachment to a man, your childhood experience gets activated. Even though there was no alcohol abuse in your childhood home, no drug abuse and your parents didn’t fight a lot, there was trouble in your childhood home, in the very relationships between you and one or both of your parents. You felt very dependent on your parents, all children do, but you also learned, as a child, that you can’t trust your parents. Maybe they didn’t tell you the truth and you knew it.

But as children do, you closed your eyes best you can to what didn’t make sense in your home. What you closed your eyes to awakens when you experience emotional attachment to a man.

anita

Hello Rose,

Being independent and feeling weak when you’re in a relationship is two different things. let’s breakdown.

1. Independent

Feeling happy when you’re single probably because you do not need to feel & worry like “someone is lying you”, but deep down, your core, the foundation that you built over year, you’re still extremely insecure when it comes to having a relationship.

2. Feeling Weak

As mentioned previously, deep down you still feel insecure. That’s why you will always suspect or falsely accuse your partner lying you on something. This is something that reflected your childhood, adolescence or adulthood’s growth. Probably because you have been cheated on the last relationship you had or somewhere in the journey in your growth your perspective towards “trust” skewed by bad things that happened to you. And you’re lacking of life goals, and when there is no goal to strive, and when you meet someone you love , you put your goals on your partner. And subsequently, this happens to you “I felt completely attached to him… as if I was completely helpless without him!”

Life goal by definition I mean; Hobby, Friends, Family, Career, relationship, social life; every of this piece plays an important role for our mental health. if you’re putting your partner that constitute 100% of your life goal, there’s where you can’t live without him.

To overcome your problem:

1. Reestablish your life, where you will have your focus on many areas; social life and etc.

2. Figure out why you can’t trust your partner. Is it because you afraid he cheat on you? If yes, go google why man cheats their partner.

3. Learn to distinguish what is the different between love, attachment, and lust. If your partner is on the “love” category, you’re good to go.

Cheers

Dear Fruzsina:

I was wondering, you wrote, “I did grow up in a family where taking care of men was the norm. My grandma’s always do all the cooking/ chores for their man and fort he men to just sit around and not help out much”- did your grandmother and mother also complained a lot to the men, or to you about doing all the chores while the men just sit there?

You asked me: “How do I overcome this problem of mine?”

My answer is based on this sentence: “Before I started to have feelings for him, I was so happy with him, we got on incredibly well, I went with the flow, I didn’t judge him and I simply enjoyed his presence. As soon as I started to have feelings for him, I noticed something dark inside me starting to grow… I completely panicked..”

Next time you feel that “something dark inside me starting to grow”, don’t panic. When you feel that something dark, going with the flow, unfortunately, is no longer an option for you. So you go slowly, paying attention and carefully choosing your words and actions. Going with the flow was easy and fun. But it is no longer possible. So gone for now is the fun and ease. It is instead work that will pay off in the long run. When you notice that you magnify the man’s fault (you mentioned doing that), for example, talk sense to yourself, think of his flaw in a realistic way and think about a similar flaw that you have.

Substituting distorted/ unbalanced thinking with correct, balanced thinking is a principle in Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) and you can exercise this principle in the context of your relationship, once that something dark appears.

anita

Dear Fruzsina:

You are welcome. “I think it sounds simpler than it is”, you wrote. I think the difficult pat of this is having to do this and that simple thing again and again… and yet again, and persist when it doesn’t work, when we continue to feel badly, keep at it The patience required is incredibly difficult to practice.

I will be back to the computer in about fifteen hours and hope to read more from you by then.

anita

• Fruzzsina,  I dont know if you will relate to this,  but in the current telationship,  the sex is so powerful and I think for him also,  there is an intense sexual attachment. Most of the panic I feel is related to knowing that unless there is real love in actions then in time,  the sexual attachment will not sustain the relationship.  Real love should be given to outselves as well as others.  You are right about giving kindness to ourselves,  and so we must get on with our own lives to meet our own needs so we can give genuine love on action to others.

I also need to accept that I am an emosyh,  and a person who has always experienced intense emotions.  Not everyone is like that,  and even if they were,  it might not necessarily be good for me to be in an intimate relationship with another petson like that.  I probably be better with a person who is ay least a little less emotional.  X