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I struggled with the same type of individual: my ex. He would verbally abuse me and then shift all the blame on me for not understanding what I did to make him upset in the first place. He was never willing to acknowledge his complete overreaction and tantrums. I felt SO defeated as a person and my already low self esteem plummeted even lower. So I TOTALLY understand your issue. This was a CONSTANT issue between us and I stayed with him for 4 years. Oh the torture!!
But I just wanted to share that with you and let you know that you have to understand your own worth first. I have always struggled with feeling that I was a pushover and I felt like people always took advantage of it.
You were NOT too harsh. You let him know exactly how you felt without being disrespectful and you have every right to do that. If he refuses to understand and to continue to be nonchalant, maybe you need to remove that type of energy from your life. You seem like a wonderful person with a loving and kind soul. Best of luck to you in this situation!
Thank you for the perspective. That is really helpful. I made that comment in reference to a book — which he had lent me, called Anger, by Thich Nhat Hanh. He was telling me how it had helped him overcome some anger issues (though I truly think he needs to re-read it!) I was telling him I do not want to take his abuse, caused by his anger/suffering, and then suffer because of him…
In that book, it speaks of anger as a manifestation of suffering and it can be a tendency to wish to make others suffer. But you are right. In his release of his anger, he was relieving all his suffering — at me. That is a great perspective on why asserting my boundaries FIRMLY is important to those who wish to use me to abuse me. He was fine. I was the one left suffering.
Well, I saw him at a mutual hang out tonight, and I avoided him entirely, purposefully, and when it looked like he had left, I sat down to talk to some people playing a game. I asked before sitting, “May I join?” and they said yes, the seat was open, so I sat down.
Soon after, he came back in — I thought he had left! He walked over and picked up his keys and began dangling them in my face.
It was annoying to me, so I stated “Please do not do that.”
Then he said, in a harsh tone, “Is there a reason you are sitting in my seat? My keys are here! My stuff is here!”
(Please note: He was already knocked out of the game and technically is no longer allowed to sit at the table – it is a free poker league)
I said, “If you are going to talk to me the way you were last week, I am leaving” and got up and he said “Good! I get my seat back!”
Geez!
So I walked over to watch a friend play, and when he got knocked out and we were leaving, I remembered your words and this advice and decided to stand my ground.
“[Redacted]?”
He looks at me.
me “If you speak to me, you are either going to speak to me respectfully or not at all.”
him “I was being respectful, you took my seat! And –”
me “Your tone was not respectful.”
[he was continuing to talk over me this entire time]
me “The way you spoke to me the other night was not respectful. If you are going to talk to me, you are either going to talk to me respectfully or not at all. The end.”
I got up and left and it felt good.
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