Dear L:

I am trying to understand:

On May 28 you exchanged messages with him. He messaged you: “I’m not going to get back involved if you start seeing other ppl though.” You replied to him: “I don’t feel like seeing anytime soon”

But when you messaged that to him, this trip to your ex boyfriend turned friend was already arranged. Is it that “other people” in your mind at the time did not include the ex boyfriend?

What did he mean by “other people” above and what did it mean to you, “other people”?

anita

Dear L:

I understand a man interested in a woman (considering resuming an intimate relationship) being bothered by the woman flying to see an ex boyfriend. It would have bothered me if no lies were involved.

But let’s look at the bigger picture: he is inclined to get hurt whenever there is any evidence, in his mind, that he is slighted, unattended to with outmost importance. And then he throws a temper tantrum of sorts, expressing his hurt and accusing you of causing it, wanting to sort of.. punish you. This would be a pattern, if you were to have a relationship with him.

Only if he had psychotherapy for a long time and worked hard to process his past hurts, can he be free of that past hurt being reactivated in his present life. And if he did, it would take the two of you having ongoing conversations, sincere conversations, effective communication, something you do not have now or had before.

I think it is unwise to have a relationship with him. Better place him in your past.

anita

Dear L:

In your most recent post you wrote: “I really did want to have a future with him”. I re-read all your posts on this thread and this is my understanding at this point:

1. Your father/your own disapproval and anger at the then boyfriend: you are very much affected by your parent’s opinion of a potential mate for you, particularly your father’s opinion. Your father disapproved of him that was a death sentence to the relationship. I think your then boyfriend sensed this well when he told you after meeting your family  that you are your family are the same. And he broke up with you soon after meeting them.

You showed your then boyfriend that you disapprove of him even though you told him otherwise. He correctly told you that your actions don’t match your words.

Your father expressed anger at your then boyfriend, in the text he suggested you send him as well as telling you that you should get over him because he is an *$%%. I think your father’s anger quickly became your own anger at the then boyfriend.

2. Dishonesty: Texting log:

“Him: did u see any body while u where seeing me. What was dishonest..

Me: ..No, I was seeing you and only you.. I don’t feel like seeing other people anytime soon. I need to take care of myself.

Him (May 29): “Are you going to see another guy”

You: “No.”

“Him:  “You promise

Me: I promise

Him: I wouldn’t be able to deal with that

Me: I know”

And then you saw another guy, an ex boyfriend whom you didn’t see for ten years. You wrote that this ex boyfriend was a friend for the last ten years, but long distance, I suppose. After the above conversation with your current ex boyfriend, while communicating about getting back together, you flew to see and spend time in person with an ex boyfriend.

You wrote about that trip: “It was a spur of the moment trip I made the decision to do right after my ex broke up with me”. You mentioned earlier that you have male friends and you ended some of those friendships in the course of the relationship with your current ex boyfriend, January-May of this year. I am thinking that it may be a pattern of yours, to turn to other men.

You wrote: “I said a few times that if he hadn’t broken up with me none of this would’ve happened”- this is the anger I mentioned in #1. You are angry at him, angry first simply because your father was/ is, and then, angry at him for breaking up with you. You blame him for your dishonesty.

You were angry at him even during the most recent conversation with him:  “he sounded calm while I on the other hand was hardly able to breathe and couldn’t stop crying”, angry at him for sounding calm while you were not.

Summary of my understanding: as I suggested before, it is a bad idea to introduce the next man in your life to your father/ parents. Really, a bad idea. Try to form your own opinion of the next man by not introducing your father’s opinion into your mind.

Look at what may be your pattern to turn to other men, in some way, when in a relationship.

Better leave this man alone. Like he wrote, it is too late. It will be cruel to him to contact him again.

My understanding here is probably tough for you to read and consider. But considering it, I believe, may help you a lot in future relationships. I hope you post again, if and when you would like to do so.

anita

Dear L and Bella,

Thank you for sharing! I am also going through a break up that to me came out of no where, after two years I just got a phone call saying it no longer worked for him, he didn’t want to be with me. I am struggling every day and am also having a hard time not contacting him. I don’t understand how you can cut someone out of your life so coldly and cleaning. I now no longer exist, my attempts to reach out are met with cold replies or simply ignored. I don’t know what to do for myself to feel better.

Dear L:

I think it is too late to save this relationship and that you shouldn’t try. It will not be right for him, so for his own benefit, I do hope, you let him and it (the relationship with him) go. Let it be in your past and stay there.

In your future relationship, there it is that you can make all the difference, there you can implement what you learn from this past relationship. I hope you focus on your future relationship, although it is not yet in your life.

As a matter of fact, regarding honesty  (“I’m hurting due to my lack of honesty”)- you can practice more honesty with the people who are currently in your life, in any context. It will prepare you for that future romantic relationship.

anita

Hi L,

Haven’t heard from you in a while…Are you doing well?

Has anything changed in your life with your ex?  Any communication.

Wandering how you are doing~

Bella~