Dear Anita,

An update on the text. So after he asked about how our relationship was before, I told him: “Why don’t we save that for our chat in person. It’s too difficult to talk about this over text.” a few hours after I sent that he responded with: “i do think of you.” Again, it was random, but i responded “I think of you too.”

This morning, I woke up to a good morning text from him which caught me by surprise. It was how we would great each other usually whoever woke up first. I said good morning back and went about my day. I didn’t send any other texts because frankly, I’d rather talk in person.

This afternoon, he sent: “Are you going to see another guy.” Again, out of nowhere. It took me a few minutes to think of how to respond because I don’t know why he’s asking, but I responded: “no”

him: you promise

me: I promise

him: I wouldn’t be able to deal with that

me: i know

him: Is that why you wouldnt or bc you dont even want to

me: I don’t want to

him: Have you had some time to think about how are relationship was

me: yes, I have

him: Do you want to know when ill be back, to talk

me: sure

I had to make myself give short and to the point answers at the time because I was wondering, why does he assume I’ll immediately start seeing someone else. I wanted to ask him why he thought of that, but I didn’t. I’d rather talk in person about things like that. It’s been an interesting few days. My anxiety has no shown itself in regards to him texting or waiting for him to text me or a response. But I do know we’ll have to talk about his feelings and mine soon enough.

~L

Dear Anita,

He called last night and we spoke at length. Although I had wanted to in person, he wanted to explain why he broke up with me. It’s pretty much what you described. He felt left out and ignored by me and my family. He said at one point, maybe he’s too needy. Since a day has passed and the conversation varied from subject to subject, I can’t remember the details unfortunately. He did explain again at length about my dad & his judgment, the weekend before we broke up and how he didn’t feel included at all.

Your first question. He never showed any type of jealousy. He understood that I was a mom as well.

The second question, I don’t know how to feel. I don’t want him to hurt, but if he does not believe I’m capable of being there for him like I’ve tried to be, I’m not sure what else I’d have to do. He said he felt he was putting in 100% and I was only giving 30%. And that it should’ve felt natural to me, but he said it didn’t seem like it was. I did apologize and explain it’s not as easy as it seems.

We did agree to meet when he returns in a few weeks. Then he’ll be leaving again a few days after that for I’m not sure how long.

~L

Dear Anita,

It has been a busy past few days. Update: he has been calling and texting everyday. I’m staying as nonchalant as I can be. He suggested going away for a few days once he returned from his job. We still have yet to talk in person. But, my thinking, especially because he stated he wants to take things slow, is it’s probably not a good idea to spend a few days away together, like a couple, if that’s not what we are. He spoke of the possibility of being in a relationship again, but doesn’t want to rush things. I mentioned all this to him and he responded well I guess i’ll see you in July since you don’t think it’s a good idea to come with me for a few days. Then sent a follow up text stating: Im sorry for being selfish, im not trying to make it feel rushed or change you in anyway, i wish that you didnt look at it like that. Just more aware and thoughtful i guess.. but if you feel like im trying to change you thats not the case and im sorry.

i don’t remember saying anything about him changing me. If I did, it was late and this has been exhausting to try and improve things over the phone. I know you said it would be hard.

As far as the effort I need to put in and him not viewing it as 90%, well that will be hard as well. If I’m unable to contribute to his happiness with what I’m able to at the time, it will hurt the relationship more. It’s a pain to try and talk over the phone about issues when they are small and could very well be ironed out.

~L

Dear Anita,

So much has happened within the last week. And it all ended in a complete collapse of the relationship on my fault yesterday.

Last week I took my trip out of town. Since my ex and I were on speaking terms again, I didn’t want to have to explain I was going out of town to somewhere new, for no reason. The actuality was I was going to visit a friend, ex boyfriend turned friend for the last decade, of whom I had not seen in over 10 years. It was a spur of the moment trip I made the decision to do right after my ex broke up with me.

While I was there, I decided (wrongly) that it would be best for myself and my ex if I lied and just said I was working and with my family. He was already questioning my lack of communication and I didn’t want to explain where I was and why I was there. I knew already he wouldn’t have understood.

Yeaterday, after spending most of the day together trying to just talk and hang out, see if this could be something again, I ended up hurting him. It was not my intention. I had brought in clothes from my trip (don’t know why I still had it in my bag) and while going through them I found my plane ticket. I had meant to throw it away because I didn’t want him to see. Of course it was my blantant lie about the whole thing. I forgot to do so and he found the ticket. Rightly so, he got extremely angry. He went through texts and realized I lied and made me leave.

I called about an hour later to apologize, knowing full well, I shouldn’t have lied to begin with. During the phone conversation, he brought up everything again about why he broke up with me. How I could’ve just told him I needed to get away and I tried again to explain I didn’t feel he would’ve understood because of how he was acting two days into us talking again. He apologized for breaking up with me and hurting me. He thinks maybe I did this to get back at him, by intentionally leaving the ticket out. But, as mean as it sounds, it was something I didn’t feel I wanted him to know about because we aren’t a couple.

Im not writing any of this because I was right.  I know it was completely wrong of me to lie about anything. It’s hard knowing I ended up hurting him, maybe more than he hurt me. He did want to start over again, but my need to hide something I knew he wouldn’t understand and him find out about it unintentionally changed everything. My decisions were wrong and I in turn am facing the lifelong consequences of my actions.

~L