Bella,

I’m sorry you’re going through a similar situation. I believe you when you say it’s so hard not to contact them. I’ve been struggling everyday not to call or text him. I know I will feel worse if he doesn’t answer or respond. I don’t have the strength to go out, let alone try to go out on a date or anything to help get over him. This is truly one of the worst, if not worse break up so far.

~L

Dear Anita,

answering your questions because I really would like to understand:

how long have you been in the relationship with him? We’ve been dating since January.

have there been any real changes recently in the relationship and/ or in his life circumstances? He met my family 2 weeks (apr 27-28) before he broke up with me. Then had to go away for work for 9 days. He had only just returned (may 9) 3 days before he broke up with me. He had 2 different job offers that we had spoken about. We were planning on moving to which ever place he chose. While on the phone breaking up, he talked about how my dad had scolded him for smoking a vape around my son. How they only looked for the negative and didn’t say anything positive to him. He said he felt like just some random guy I brought because they weren’t talking to him. He also said I didn’t stick up for him and told them if he smoked cigarettes I wouldn’t have dated him in the first place. We had an argument about their interactions late that evening after he met my parents. But it was things he brought up again while breaking up. He said they would resent him in the future and hate him for taking me and my son away from them. He was also upset that Friday night I didn’t invite him over or more that my parents didn’t ask about him. He was upset that I didn’t bring him any food. I told him I didn’t want him to feel uncomfortable here with my parents because of how he felt. Most of the weekend was spent texting. A few phone calls. The last time I saw him was Thursday when my son and I spent it with him.

and what do you know about his relationship with his mother and her input in his life? He said his mom was always busy with work. He moved here to be closer to her, but only saw her for the second time last weekend in the past 6 months. He said she’s always been too busy for him, so I encouraged him to see her. I don’t know how often they spoke on the phone. But Saturday he sent a text and said he might go see her for mother’s day. I told him to have fun. Then Sunday he didn’t text back most of it. He finally said she never responded and he hadn’t been able to reach her. That’s when he called about hiking gear. Saturday I asked to see him, but he said he was busy. Sunday after work I asked to see him, he said he was going to sleep early.

sorry it’s so much. Thank you for responding as well.

~L

Dear Anita,

Thank you for the insight so much.

He did say he didn’t feel like he was good enough for me and my family. That I am my family and my family is me. He also said that actions speak louder then words. That even though I wanted to invite him over or I thought of taking him food. Or that I thought about asking him to have breakfast with us, he said I didn’t. I honestly didn’t think it was such an issue to him. I remember he said on the convo, if I had met his mom and step dad, they wouldn’t have said anything negative. She would’ve tried to include me as much as possible. I don’t know if he’s returned from his mothers. But I know most of our conversation/ break up, we were both crying and he mentioned he had just arrived to their house. That he couldn’t stay on the phone.

It just really hurts that he says he loves me and cares for me. He said it quite a few times, but would always say this was going to be better for me. That he would move back to his home and he’d be alone forever. I tried so hard to reassure him that he had me and my son. That my family didn’t hate him and they wouldn’t resent him.

I failed to explain to my parents how serious our relationship had become. They didn’t know his job (I was afraid to tell them, didn’t think they approve), they didn’t know we spoke of moving. After we broke up, I finally called them and told them everything. My dad asked me to send a text rom them, but rereading it, it wasn’t probably worded in the best way. I’ll just post it… “I talked to my parents. I told them what you do for work. They don’t mind. They said everything you think is totally wrong. And that everything I told you is right. They’re happy for me and baby that we have you. My mom and dad asked if they could explain themselves. Right now, they don’t feel too good that you think they don’t accept you. They’re asking if you could please call so they can tell you how they feel about our relationship. That you are welcome. They’re happy that I’m with you and that you make me and my son happy. Then I left my moms number. But again he never responded or called them. My dad asked to send another text, but I didn’t. It was more like: If you want, send this…
“Good morning T, Mr. B here. Apparently you have some serious misconceptions of who we and what we think of you. I would appreciate a call to clear up any confusion on your part…and I’d say, ours. We would like an opportunity to explain ourselves. Thank you.”

I never sent that text. I had hope that he would reach out within the days following, but he didn’t and he still hasn’t. I really want to contact him, but I’m scared he’ll ignore me. It just hurts so much because he said he still loves me and cares for me. I fear I went about this all wrong in the end. I just wish I had been able to see all this before he ended things.

~L

Dear Anita,

I realized after we broke up, I shouldn’t have held back from telling my parents about his job. I didn’t mind, but I was very scared to tell my parents. I realized a little after I shouldn’t have sent that text from them after I got off the phone with them. I regret those things and so much more in how I handled the relationship. I want to apologize, but I know I’d probably ask to work on things again.

I don’t know why I believed things were okay. I wish I had been able to see that I was also in the wrong, even with my parents. I’m 31. And a divorcee, single mother. But whenever we made plans, I was always scared to tell anyone else.

I keep going back to why things were okay one day and why it ended the next. Why couldn’t he tell me in person?

Its just a cycle in my thoughts. I’ll be okay then the next I break into tears from it.

thank you for your words. I think I may have to work on my own faults through therapy.

~L

Hi Anita,

His job wasn’t illegal or immoral, but just with my parents being religious, I didn’t think they would’ve approved. Once I did tell them, my dad was like oh cool, I wouldn’t have thought that. So I right away wanted to tell him I told my parents and sent that long text. Which I regret now.

I believe his referring to being a bad influence was to his job, but he never said directly.

Was it my fault that I didn’t know our relationship was okay? I feel like I hurt him now that I’m realizing how I and my family came across. It adds to the various ways I’m hurting.

I’ve been hoping maybe we would work out and get through this, but he hasn’t reached out. And I want to apologize, but I don’t know what good that will do. I love him very much and I feel at such a loss with this, knowing I might’ve been able to change my reactions and intentions to have a better relationship.

~L

Dear Anita,

I feel like I’ve failed because I didn’t notice the issues I had in the relationship. And when I did, I would push them aside, instead of getting help.

I don’t know if that would’ve made a difference or if I was honest with my family from the beginning. I’ve always thought I had to tell my family my choices, unfortunately. I guess explain myself. I was scared to tell them. I saw them today, my father I guess does the tough love things where he was like, stop crying and get over him. Same with my mom. But I guess that’s just my parents and their way of trying to help me.

But, I still wish I knew why things changed like a flip was switched. I doubt I’ll ever know and I highly doubt he’ll try to get in touch. I’m sure he’s using alternate herbs to get over this, as he smoked everyday.

It still hurts. I would like to examine myself in this relationship so I’m able to grow like the blogs say. And I would like to love myself like th  blogs say, but it’s difficult to fathom.

~L