I think some people like the initial high of a relationship and then they get overwhelmed when things calm down and become routine… will be interesting to see if he stays in this new relationship… or will he freak out again>

Sounds like you saw the writing on the wall… most of the time we do, but we so want to believe in this new possibility, we close our eyes to the red flags and the warnings.

It appears to me you did everything right… relationships with new people is always a dice roll. How much did you know about him before you entered into a relationship?

Dear petrabrunner:

When you told him: “…that I am ok and feel safe, so its ok for me that he is afraid.”- that was beautiful of you to say- what a shame for him, a loss for him that he didn’t take you on your precious offer, so rare to be offered: safety. People often don’t choose what is good for them.

It is possible, assuming his expressions of fear were sincere, that he didn’t want to deal with his fear, that his fear became visible in his relationship with you: you saw his fear (therefore said the above), and he wanted to close his eyes to it. It is possible that in his new relationship, this is exactly what he can do: keep his eyes closed, that is, keep his awareness away from his fear.

And so it may work, for a while, this new relationship, but not for long, because what we resist, persists.

He may very well had the unique and precious opportunity with you to confront his fear, with your help, and he chose not to, because he was too scared.

You read to me as reasonable and trustworhty as far as your evaluation of people. Do you think it is a valid possibility, that he chose to escape confronting his fear exposed with you, and soon got into a relationship that is, for now, distracting him from his fear?

anita

hi Mathilda,

So, i think others have already stated the ‘honeymoon’ stage, the rush you get when everything is just clicking. That your ex was only showing you ‘one’ side to himself. But at the same time, people can get over zealous and promise things they don’t have or are actually afraid of the things they have promised. Your ex more than likely was into you, but may have been going through the motions. He obviously went to fast and got scared and probably felt that he didn’t deserve him. You accepted him, as a whole, but the kicker….you understood him. You gave him time, you attempted to show support and he shot you down. I believe for the only reason that makes illogical sense….Pride. Pride is literally the worst emotional trait that can destroy people. It’s okay to have pride in what you do, but you shouldn’t let it control your emotions to the point where you start setting standards and expectations in your head that you can never reach. The fact that he is with another woman only means that he damaged his ‘pride’ so much that he had to fix himself, he had to prove to himself that it wasn’t him. That’s why he is with someone else, he needs that validation of someone that doesn’t know him like you do that he is powerful and in control. More than likely, he will follow the same pattern he took with you. Until you realizes that a relationship is based on support, it’s basically a
team.

You went all in, and lost. I don’t think this means you cannot trust yourself. Because you you would of had great times together. You probably shared some good experiences. It’s difficult to judge people, because well we are complex beings. You judged a man based on what you saw and heard. That’s all anyone can do, basically take someone’s word. So don’t look back at your relationship and see it through tinted glasses, because regret and sorrow changes the way we see the past. I know it’s not that simple to just say ‘move on, what’s done is done’ because that’s not the best way to deal with this, considering you were emotional invested in someone else. I believe you just need to trust yourself again, understand that this won’t be the first nor the last decision you make that goes against you. If you cannot trust yourself, you certainly cannot trust others. You have every right to be disappointed, much like someone who fails an exam that they studied weeks for. But at some point, you have to learn, grow and try again. Otherwise you will always be disappointed and eventually ashamed of yourself because you have failed to move on from ‘one’ decision in your life. Honestly, when you are 80 or 90 years, are you really going to base all your experiences and choices from this point on one man who was afraid of his own shadow?

I hope this helps bring you comfort, if you have more to say, please write 🙂
MAtty

Dear Mathilda:

Seems to me that he scared himself with his rushing into making grandiose statements like wanting to have children with you, and then backed away with fear. There is also a possible element of dishonesty in his dramatics, as in preferring to drown in an ocean of futility than hurting you more. There is an element of drama, good for a poem or a movie, but in real life, what does “ocean of futility” means? And I doubt he would rather drown in any kind of water than hurt you. The words he used when dramatic are far from accurate and may mean nothing at all outside drama, the stirring of the air around his mouth as he puts out a verbal show of… art.

I would say that this is the point I am seeing this morning regarding your thread: his drama. His fear, i am sure, is real. The drama, well, that’s something else. That was not authentic. That was self serving and a feel-good thing that he did. What do you think?

anita

I’m so sorry this has happened to you. I know how painful it can be. I don’t know this guy, obviously, but the fact that he was very fast to tell you he wanted kids, etc and was serious about you is a big red flag to me. It could be that he doesn’t know himself very well, that he’s manipulative, or just that he’s insecure. Once he realized that having a relationship with you would mean that he might have to face some hard things, do work, or really open up to intimacy, he ran away.

As for you: you showed that you were really available and open and willing to go “all in”, and yes, that’s rare in my experience. Maybe it’s time to take some time for yourself, lick your wounds, and process what happened. I understand how frustrating and painful it must be to feel you were careful and went in with eyes open and you still got hurt. And I totally get not trusting yourself…I’ve had that experience myself.

Maybe focus on other things in your life and let this experience wash over you and change you. Let it percolate. You won’t always feel this way. Best of luck to you!