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Being a single woman at 32 souring my relationship with family

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  • May 20, 2015 at 4:23 am #76993
    vidalevi
    Participant

    I’m a single woman at 32, yet to settle down because I haven’t found someone compatible to me yet.
    But this is wrecking my relationship with my family because I’m a bad mark on the family.
    I come from a traditional society(South Asia) where arranged marriages are still prevalent. My mother of all thinks that I need psychiatric help because I’m still not ready to settle down or just marry someone they show me. She calls me day and night and emotionally blackmails me and literally curses me telling that I may not find the person in looking for and I will have to accept whomever they show me. I thought my siblings(brothers) would support me but even they are also telling that I need a psychiatrist. Please note that the same never allowed/approved me of dating in my teens and 20s.
    I had to get settled in my profession and I’m out of a very emotionally abusive relationship(with a family member who took advantage of my situation and made me feel worthless).
    I’m just healing from all these trauma and I guess I need some time to emotionally invest in someone else.
    My mom had always been very indirectly abusive in the sense that she has instilled this belief in me since childhood that my decision nothing capacity is nothing without her help. Whenever I have tried taking a decision alone and failed miserably she would taunt me and prove that I’m nothing without their support. She believes that since she brought me up, I owe her my life itself. She tells me every now and then that I will remain alone in this world and when she dies she will die without peace because of me.
    I’m branded as selfish proud and arrogant because I’m not liking a person shown by them.
    They are not understanding the trauma they are putting me through and finally I’m scared that I will end up alone.
    I already have anxiety and these days, I’m awake like an owl most of the might. I look sad all the time and I dread phone calls from home.
    Is it a crime to be a single lady at 32 in a traditional society ?

    May 20, 2015 at 7:53 am #77003
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Vidalevi:
    Child killing was a traditional value and practice:parents used to have the legal right to kill their children. Somebody decided it was not ethical, not right, not just to kill a child, even if it by a parent. So it became illegal and punishable by law. This is an example of something traditional that is not right and not just.

    If your mother/ parents wanted to introduce a man to you because it is traditional to do so, why not, I would say- resepect tradition and meet the man they think you should marry. No harm done: meet him. Then make YOUR OWN evaluation about whether you want to meet him a second time.

    You choose WHAT tradition to accept in your life and what tradition to reject. Your well being is your responsibility. Your job is to be good to yourself. Who will take this job if you do not? Obsiously it is not your mother’s job- your well being is not something she is working for.

    The whole purpose of tradition is to benefit the individual, that is, support the tribe becasue the tribe protects the individual. Supporting the tribe when you don’t need the tribe for your benefit makes no sense. See what i mean???

    Take care of yourself:
    anita

    May 21, 2015 at 3:13 am #77046
    Wendy
    Participant

    Dear Vidalevi,

    The problem with many traditions is that they come from a place of fear, just like what is happening to you right now. Your family is not telling you – “Do this because it is good for you”, they are instead saying that “if you don’t do this, you will die alone/be lonely/miserable”. How can you be expected to start a relationship of love, when the decision is based on fear and anxiety ?

    No, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you refusing to make a decision under pressure or guilt. Certainly not one on marriage. If you don’t like the person they have set you up with, nothing wrong with that. Please don’t give in to the fear that you are too old/this is a last chance/you don’t have choices left. People are not like fruits on a tree, that if you don’t take them fresh, there won’t be any left !!! Thats not tradition, that is very much like a doomsday prophecy.

    And of course you will make mistakes with decisions…it’s a part of life and growing up. If you don’t make your own mistakes, you won’t learn. Yes there is pain when you fall off a bicycle, but that doesn’t mean you fix trainers to your cycle all your life. Don’t take them very hard.

    I know this is hard to practice, but whatever you choose to do, try to ensure that the choice comes from a genuine place of happiness, joy and love and not because of blackmail and resignation on your part.

    Sending you love, light and strength

    Wendy

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