before inner peace, now in chaos

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This topic has 9 replies, 5 voices, and was last updated 8 years, 6 months ago by Anonymous.

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June 14, 2016 at 10:14 am #107256

joanna
Participant

Hi, you all seem so kind, could do with unbiased wisdom. I used to be happy and peaceful but recent events caused by ‘friends’ own interests have left me in an awful state. I tried everything: meditation, mantras, affirmations, non-attachment: but things went from bad to worse, that almost felt cursed (never believed such stuff before). Is this karma, reality creation or just bad luck?

I had to keep the peace for others, so could not speak up. Now they are back in contact grieving from a death, and expect me to reply, which instinctively I would do. But this means they will be back in my life, which will cause me trauma and bring back all the events I have been trying to move on from. If I don’t reply, is this unkind or bad karma (I don’t want to tell them I don’t wish contact with them at this sad time for them). But I know that if I bring their dramas back into my life (they will want to visit me etc), I will become more ill than I am now.

Why do I keep attracting people who manipulate me? I am a kind person but am surrounded by people who use me for their own needs, then say I am unkind for blanking them (when in reality I am simply depressed from losing my dog in traumatic circumstances). I know conventional wisdom would be to walk away, but with my life there is always a reason I can’t (an animal or old person that needs me to care for them, due to circumstances, so I can’t walk away). Not to be negative but I am in a real bad way.

Do I offer condolences (which will open up a conversation and bring more stress back into my life) or just not reply to all the texts and phone calls? I know I would prefer to be away from them, but feel that if I don’t reach out to offer sympathy, this makes me a bad person (and they will certainly think this, and tell others, which will upset me more). Thanks for your help.

June 14, 2016 at 6:40 pm #107303

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joanna2310:

I did not follow the specifics of your situation dilemma, only generalities. What I would suggest is that you send these grieving people a sympathy card or cards and assert yourself so to have no contact with them. Both then. In your assertion let them know you are not able to be in contact with them and you wish them well. Make it short, no long explanations, but short and sweet. The most important job you have here is to take good care of yourself. Everything else is secondary.

You can’t help what they say to others about you but I will not give them material to talk about, such as explanations and you sharing with them what is none of their business. Short and sweet.

Could that be a way to prevent chaos in your life and allow the inner peace you want back? I hope so. Let me know.

anita

June 14, 2016 at 7:23 pm #107313

joanna
Participant

This is what I would try to do, but whenever I am assertive that’s when things go wrong. If I do what you say, I have no doubt they will come back into my life, and it is going to cause me unneeded stress. If I say I can have no contact, I will be accused of upsetting them at a sad time etc. Or asked why they can’t remain in contact etc? Then I would have to stop contact to avoid further upset, and this would make things worse than not replying at all, no? Just cannot make a decision as to what is best. Thank you.

June 14, 2016 at 7:34 pm #107318

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joanna2310:

Then, have no contact with the people you want no contact with. If they come back into your life, don’t let them in. Do not answer their calls. If they push your door, call the police.

anita

June 14, 2016 at 8:32 pm #107325

Brav3
Participant

Hi Joanna2310,

I will try to give you some help here.

Bad Karma is when you intentionally do I wrong deed to harm others that can include bad mouthing, physical harming etc. Walking away from people that you know, will cause future suffering to you and them, isn’t bad karma at all. However, if you are walking away to cause harm to them, then it is, which I don’t think you are. So coming back to your question. No, you will not do any bad karma.

Buddhist psychology clearly says that one should have compassion and loving-kindness for oneself first. And that means if someone is mistreating you or manipulating, you meant to say ‘NO or this is poor behavior, you are treating me wrong here’ out of love and compassion for yourself.

So, if you can maintain distance with them after giving them support, then go ahead. But if you think you can’t or they will barge in to your life then don’t.

Good luck
Brav3

June 14, 2016 at 9:24 pm #107331

joanna
Participant

They are not people to harm physically (no need for the police) but they have messed with my head by manipulating my life in such a way that I am almost destroyed. Yet this has not been done with intent, but by their sheer self-absorption. They believe they are victims, and have used my over-sensitivity and kind manner to their own ends, which is why I am reluctant to send a message, as I have not had contact with them for a long time.

I think Anita was right to say in a perfect world to send a sympathy, saying I want no further contact. I just feel this is going to be difficult to do without making them angry and more upset at a difficult time, so may have to leave it. Thank you for your answers.

June 15, 2016 at 2:03 am #107344
Bill
Participant
Hey Joanna2310

I believe you should try and find the most loving thing to do regarding talking to these people. However I would not be afraid of what they think of you. These are clearly ‘toxic people’. What i mean by that is that they are dumping garbage into your life. You need to have the conviction and faith within yourself to do something about that instead of feed the negativity that these people are creating for you. The fear of stress that you have for your future is based upon how they have made you feel in the past and in the present. However, i think your very fear of stress and manipulation are preventing you from being as close to stress free and happy as you can be. The only place for you to be these things is in the present, which is your true place. In the present you can work on yourself, grief over the loss of your dog and whatever else you feel needs to be worked through. BUT START SMALL. I think taking it upon yourself to please everyone else is an impossible feat. But there is not going to be a quick fix. I’ve found this myself that I want to get over an issue as quickly as possible; it’s really not that easy. If you break your problems down into small piece you just might find you can carry them one at a time. And however great the past could have been: ‘the belonging you seek is not behind you, it is ahead’-Maz Kanata.
- This reply was modified 8 years, 6 months ago by Bill.
June 15, 2016 at 3:30 am #107346

Maria_L
Participant

Hi,

May I ask are you one of those lovely people who just can’t say no when someone asks for a favor or help, in general… not just with this group? Cause I’ve been like that my whole life, and I still am. It makes me happy when I make someone happy, it’s as simple as that. I have never thought about karma, though I have to admit that in my life I have often found people helped me too, for no reason.

But there is one big problem with people like us… We often come across people who surely like to overstep their wellcome. We are ‘easy target’ to what someone likes to call ‘energetic vampires’, people who are egocentric and use every resource they have to move forward, or just to find easy outlet of their problems. They have 6th sense when it comes to people like us. I remember, I had a cousin calling me 5 times a day, bothering me with every trivial problem she had for hours, cause she knew I’d always pick up the phone and I’d always listen. I also had an ‘energetic vampire’ that was one of my best friends in highschool. I always ended up with headaches and negative energy after talking with them, and was useless to me or other people.

For your own good, you have to learn to identify these people in your life. It’s not easy, but in time you’ll also develop 6th sense for them, too. As someone who is kind and gives good energy to other people, you’ll also have to learn to protect yourself, cause if you don’t, you’ll be useless to yourself, or to other people who’d really need your help. You have to take care…

i don’t know the details of your problem, but it seems that if this situations bothers you, help as much as your real common sense tells you it’s necessary, but if you think that they’ll survive without your 24/7 support, do not dwell to put some boundaries. You can make a strategy… call them first twice a week, than once a week… than once in 10 days.. and then just fade away :). In the meantime say you are busy and that you’d call back… And call back according to this strategy. Be aware that they might say something bad, but let it not bother you.

It also seems to me that you are very spiritual, and if you feel like your body or space are filled up with negative energy, there are many ways you can clear the space from it, before you start your meditation. Salt, bells, burning sage, holly water are often used as tools for clearing up negative energy, you might try it. I felt amazing difference once I started clearing the space before proceeding with meditation or prayer…

I wish you all the best, and do not collect more bad karma by blaming yourself about something that is not your fault. You have the right to be happy and to serve for your own good, too…

June 15, 2016 at 10:28 am #107381

joanna
Participant

Thank you for your answers, it really helped me to make a balanced decision. I decided to simply offer short condolences and kind words, and then ‘signed off’ assuming it’s a given that I am saying goodbye. If they contact me, I will politely answer, but leave it at that. They all have each other. Some are good people but their high dramas resulted in high stress (it’s complicated). I was raised Catholic but interested in all faiths, and the clarity of these answers makes me interested in exploring Buddhism further, there is a lot to be learned from all beliefs. Thank you for your help.

June 15, 2016 at 7:20 pm #107401

Anonymous
Guest

Dear Joanna2310:

You are welcome and please do post again, anytime. I hope you find some of the Buddhist principles helpful to you- I sure do. The main principle that is very helpful to me is to be AWAKE to reality as is. And reality as I know it is that we as individuals need to take care of ourselves first, protect ourselves from unnecessary pain, that is, suffering. Pain is an unavoidable part of life, but suffering is that optional pain. If these people are causing you pain, that is optional pain because you can keep them out of your life, and so I hope you do.

anita
Author

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