For anyone who has been following my posts over the past year, it has been trying and I became depressed, developed somewhat of an eating disorder, and all-around felt absolutely miserable.

My depression started and a weight gain soon followed. It was very slight, but it turned into a panic that escalated into a full-blown food and body obsession for the next 6+ months. I went from never caring about my body and weight (as I was very naturally thin and did not have food issues) and enjoying everything in moderation, to finding food as my comfort and then shaming myself after indulging. I began to exercise and track my food obsessively which just fueled my depression and the subsequent weight gain.

My family life became very bad and I was still not over my ex (how this whole thing started, he dumped me after 3.5 years) and I just felt like I was never going to get out of it.

I decided to stop dieting and exercising which unfortunately then triggered almost two months of binge eating after indulging in everything I had been obsessing over while dieting. I gained another five pounds, but I also continued going to my therapist. Without the distraction of diet and exercise, I was forced to face my emotional traumas as it was front and center.

I realized that I am a codependent person. Being in serious relationships back to back since the age of 16, when I got out of my relationship at 23, I didn’t realize that I had not established my full identity. I guess I turned to food, and then a food/dieting/weight loss obsession in order to find something to “fill my mind”. I quite simply did not know what else to think about. I learned that in the way that codependents were often drug addicts, I was addicted to my ex boyfriend. I realized in therapy and other conversations that the way I spoke about him was like a drug, something that I couldn’t “say no” to. I realized that maybe I wasn’t as in love with him as I thought I was, after all. I was addicted. I was codependent.

During this time, I realized I needed to break free from this addiction. I have since cut off contact with my family for the most part as well, because they are very toxic and their health and mental issues are out of my control. I have to take care of myself first. I have turned very much so inward.

I also got a dog, who provides companionship while also letting me feel independent and remain self reflective. I’ve learned to turn inward whenever I feel pangs of anxiety, sadness, or stress. I’m trying to take it a day at a time and not think that “I’m cured!” from this depression, but it seems to have just melted away.

Now I’m turning back to a weight loss and nutrition goal for myself to feel good and slowly and very healthily lose weight. I have no desire for food to be my emotional medicine. I barely even crave the bad things I used to day dream about eating. I am regaining the concept of having things in moderation. It’s just so bizarre — because when I was at my worst, I forgot what that felt like. I didn’t even remember how it felt to have healthy relationships with food.

I still feel pangs of heartbreak from my ex as I’m not 100% over him. It’s been a year and that is still something I’m working on. But nothing is perfect. I just wanted to share my growth. I’m very thankful for this community to share my troubles and I thought maybe it would be nice to share the positive, as well. I was afraid I was never going to get out of this.

I think an interesting thing to note is that I just wanted things to go “back to how they were” — with the weight gain, my healthy food relationship, with my happiness, with my life. But instead, I have transformed into a new me. A new me that I am still getting to know. I will never be the same again but I am learning that doesn’t have to be a bad thing.