I’ve lived over 5 decades and I’m drained of all passion and motivation for people, my career and life in general. I’ve felt so emotional beaten up by life and people I care about. Like most everyone else, I grew up in a pretty dysfunctional family, but felt very loved, especially by my mother.

Since childhood, I’ve been an incredibly positive and optimistic person. No matter what/who hurt me or knocked me down, I always got back up and went forward loving life.

I always look for the best in people and give the benefit of the doubt whenever I can. I don’t see red flags in every little thing people say or do that might be upsetting or hurtful because I know that I too am not perfect. In hind site, I see that I should have seen little red flags earlier in some relationships, but I was never thin-skinned or paranoid and brushed those signs off.

I’ve always derived great pleasure from just being nice and kind. I’ve never expected reciprocation for any generosity other than true and loyal love and friendship. Some of my dearest friends turned on me when they were threatened by my success or happiness, even though I’ve gone to great lengths to empower them or bring them along. Family members who constantly come to me for emotional support seem to have little patience for me when I need them.

I’ve always been had a loving an affectionate relationship with my children.

Recently, during an emotional family crisis, I spent days being there for one of my adult children who was most affected, but when they witnessed me feeling overcome with emotion at the situation, I was shushed at a moment when I could most use a hug, but they turned away in embarrassment. A couple of hours later, when their friend’s mother became emotional over the same situation, my child gave them comfort and embraced them warmly. It totally devastated me. I couldn’t say anything to my child because I couldn’t add to the emotional burden they were dealing with over what might have seemed selfish or petty on my part, but none-the-less, I felt that my feelings were dismissed when an acquaintance was shown caring and compassion. I was totally devastated.

Counting my blessings (and I know I have many) is all I cling to, but it seems to help less and less in fighting this downward spiral. In the past year or so, chronic health issues and constant pain have compounded and play a part in making everything I can’t seem to deal with only worse.

I’m out of energy, optimism and joy. I feel the need to be on guard more and more from people and I just can’t seem to bounce back anymore from even the smallest of slights. I can no longer overlook how easily the people I care about. I take me for granted or disrespect me. Any attempt to politely share my feelings without trying to put someone on the offensive is brushed off as “you’re imaging it,” or “you’re being over-sensitive.” Perhaps the last one has a ring of truth to it though. I am so worn out and feel that my patience for this treatment is non-existent. I am completely depleted. I have no motivation to pursue my career, or activities that once gave me joy any longer. Now, in the company of family and friends, I look forward to the chance to get away or be alone where no one can hurt me.

I read so many websites and books, following their advice for feeling better. I regularly exercise, meditate, pray, volunteer, eat right (for the most part), don’t smoke, seldom drink and maintain an ideal weight, etc.

Every time I have a day where I feel I’m rebounding to my old self, something happens within a day or two to break me. It takes less and less these days. It used to take something major to bring down, but now I feel I have no emotional resilience anymore. I would never do anything to harm myself but I feel alone with those I care about. I’m just so very sad and tired of life.