Max,

If she truly wants to end things with her ex and wants to open herself up to new relationships, SHE is going to have to be the one to cut the soul tie that she has with him. Otherwise, he’s just going to keep popping back up into her life whenever he feels like it, and she will end up falling apart all over again. I’m not familiar with how their relationship was prior to the relationship they are in now, but I’m guessing it must have been pretty serious if it led to them getting engaged at one point – which is the reason why she has a soul tie with him.

I recently cut the soul tie I had with ex-husband, because I now realize that remaining friends with him while trying to move forward with a new relationship wasn’t getting me anywhere. Although our marriage didn’t work out, I still think he is a good person. He is a good father to our daughter, and I do care about him and want him to be happy. I used to pride myself in being able to tell others that I was friends with my ex – but in reality, this just isn’t possible, regardless if you share a child with this person or not (at least that’s how I think about it now). Being on friendly terms and loving and caring for an ex from a distance is one thing, but being friends with an ex is entirely different.

Like your ex, I didn’t want to hurt anybody…I wanted to please everybody. I felt that in order for me to meet this need, everyone would get a “piece” of me, that way everyone would be satisfied and no one would get hurt. But it didn’t work. And I kick myself everyday for even thinking that it would. My boyfriend never got the “whole” me, if that makes any sense. It was hard. I knew I was hurting my boyfriend by distancing myself and not giving my complete self to him, but on the other hand, I didn’t want to hurt my ex-husband’s feelings either. The truth is though, I should have put my boyfriend’s feelings FIRST. I should have cared about not hurting his feelings FIRST…

Each time I didn’t answer a call or respond to a text from him…I wasn’t putting him first.
When he tried to get closer to me, and I pushed him away…I wasn’t putting him first.
When he tried to get me to communicate with him, to get me to talk to him about what I was thinking and feeling…what I was going through…only to shut down and distance myself…I wasn’t putting him first.

I hurt him terribly. I hurt him by only giving him a piece of me…a few good weeks here and there…..and then it was nothing…nothing but emptiness. Nothing but me being cold and distant.

There’s only so much a person can take…and I understand why he left. It was best for him to walk away now, rather than wait for me to sort my life out. In a way, him leaving is a blessing, because it woke me up. It made me realize that I have to get well…that I have to take care of myself. I know it’ll be a lot of work, but its also a grand opportunity for me to find myself again and grow from this experience. But still…there isn’t a day that goes by where I don’t regret the way that I mistreated him. I wish I could take it all back, but I can’t. I can only hope that one day he is able to make peace with this in his heart.

So here I am…broken…beaten…but still alive. Some days I can make it without breaking down…others, I’ll find myself being reminded of something about my ex-boyfriend and I fall to pieces. It is a roller coaster, but I’m taking it all in and letting myself go through the feelings. I have to. I know I’ll recover from this, because I’ve done it before…and I know you can too Max.

Sleep well, and until next time…

– Jenny

Max,

Your are more than enough.
You are worthy.
You deserve the same amount of love that you give.
You deserve to be FIRST.
You deserve better.

Never settle for less than what you deserve – because if you did, what are you telling yourself…and what are you telling your partner…?

It doesn’t matter how long it takes you to get back up…so long as you get up, and you keep moving forward.

Until next time…

– Jenny

The untold want by life and land ne’er granted,
Now Voyager, sail thou forth to seek and find. – W.W.

Max,

If I’m getting too personal, let me know – but have you ever considered getting a script for an anti-depressant? I’m not sure how you feel about taking medication, or if you are currently on any, so please excuse me if I’m offending you in any way.

I have been on, and am currently on one now. I have experienced depression and anxiety attacks in the past, and I know how debilitating it can be. You aren’t really focusing on the present, and on being present; so the thoughts that are running through your head right now are taking over, and they’re paralyzing you. It’s easy to tell yourself that you just won’t think about what’s bothering you, and that you’ll be ok – but you and I both know that isn’t going to work. I’m only suggesting getting a script because it helped me, and it could possibly help you too.

A few years ago, when I was still married, I experienced a traumatic event. My ex (who is in the military) was court martialed for having an inappropriate relationship with a trainee. He was convicted, and his sentence included a severe reduction in rank, as well as confinement time. Because of his reduction in rank, I had to move out my own home…because I could no longer afford to live there. I had to sell a lot of our belongings in order to pay off any debt and to get our house packed up and moved into storage. I ended up driving cross country to my parents home so that my daughter and I could live rent and utilities free until my ex was released from confinement. At that time, the worst part for me wasn’t the fact that he cheated again or that he was even court martialed – it was the fact that I didn’t even KNOW he had gotten himself into trouble, and that he was even going through a court martial (some previous co-workers of his at the last base we were stationed at, were flown down to attend his trial as character witnesses, and they were the ones that showed up on my doorstep to tell me what had happened, and what was going on behind my back for the past few months).

At that time, I was going through a whirlwind of emotions. I was a train wreck, to say the least. I was in shock. I was in denial. I was angry. I was hurt. I was sad. I was hopeful. Every single day was different, and the emotions that came over me were literally like a roller coaster – they’d go up and down, up and down, up and down…and I drove myself crazy. I became severely depressed, and eventually I turned into a vegetable. I didn’t talk to anyone. I didn’t get out of my bed. I didn’t eat anything and started wasting away. I spent the next several months lying there, ruminating about the past: what had happened, why he lied to me, why he did what he did, if the girl he messed around with was prettier than me or smarter than me or funnier than me. I drove myself crazy wondering what it was about me that wasn’t satisfactory. I started blaming myself. My life at that moment in time was focused on what had happened in the past, while in the mean time, my present was flying right by me. I remember one day where I became really anxious and had an attack…and I panicked. I seriously thought that I was going to die…it was overwhelming. I couldn’t breathe. My heart felt like it was going to pound right out of my chest. I couldn’t think clearly. One day I just couldn’t take feeling like that anymore – I didn’t want to feel like that anymore. I called my PCM and made an appointment to get a referral for counseling. It was then that I was first put on medication.

Medication doesn’t make the pain go away, but it did/does help me manage my symptoms. I still went to counseling and I still cried. I still had thoughts running through my head every now and then…but at least the medication helped me control some of the things I didn’t want to feel…at least I could put more of my energy into what was going on in my present.

Something else that made it especially difficult for me to cope then (and even now) is that I have no friends here locally that I can call up and meet with, whenever I want company or need someone to talk to. It’s very lonely for me at times…I do not have a close knit group of friends here that I can reach out to…at times it can make me feel unnecessarily sorry for myself (pity party!) which upsets me even more than I already am. If I could suggest anything else to you Max, is that you please reach out to your friends and talk to them. Tell them what you’re going through and what you are feeling. Let them remind you of the person you once were, before all of this happened…and let that be a part of your motivation to get well. If not, force yourself to go out and have fun by yourself, even if you don’t feel like it. Don’t let your thoughts paralyze you, like they did mine…and don’t become a vegetable.

So you got a little more of my history…and its crazy…and definitely even crazier how I allowed that past of mine to creep back up into my present.

I feel for what you are going through Max, and I hope you can find some comfort in what I’ve said. In no way am I trying to downplay what you are going through – pain is pain. I know it’s HARD and it can seem like you’ll never come back up to the surface for air – but if anything, you could always read my story, and use it as a reminder to yourself that things could always be much, much worse. You will come back up for air Max…know this. Know that one day you will wake up, and you will not feel like this anymore.

Stay strong and rest well Max, you deserve it.

Until next time…

– Jenny

Max,

I am glad that you were strong enough to tell her that seeing her now would be too difficult for you…and you’re right, it wouldn’t make things easier (for both of you) if you did. I’m glad that you have also reached a point where speaking to her isn’t tearing you up inside as you say.

Reading your comment about not being able to be her friend right now makes me curious to know if you think you’ll ever be able to be “just friends” with her. It made me think a lot about my situation, and how my ex wants to continue to remain in contact with me. After going through what I did with my ex husband, it made me realize that I really can’t hold on to a friendship with an ex because it interferes with developing and maintaining healthy relationships in the future (as shown from my recent breakup/and your recent breakup). What are your thoughts on this? I’m curious to know how the “other side” in a situation such as this feels about continuing to remain in contact with an ex after breaking up.

Until next time…

– Jenny