Grace,

You dear sweet sister, why would you be afraid that he doesn’t see you as beautiful? Of course he does! Random boobs and butts, while pretty and whatnot, don’t carry his heart, don’t reach beyond the surface. Much like candy, it has some sweetness, but no nourishment. He saw that, “uncomfortable” just meaning he was trying to set it all aside and couldn’t, it didn’t feel right.

Rejoice, sister, because it means his heart is yours, your intimacy is strong and fulfilling for him. It’d take far more than some jiggling boobs to pull his tender attention away from you.

Consider checking a recent post entitled “how do I open to my boyfriend’s love.” The practice described there may bring the relief you’re looking for. Basically, it sounds like you’re the one obsessed with passion, but here fearfully. And yes, it certainly ties in with the stress of your loved one needing care. When you come to him, its perhaps feeling drained, as a beggar looking for comfort. That’s OK, its normal. You’re not a beggar, you’re a champion of love. That gets tired after too much “saving the day.”

As far as the lie goes, perhaps you’ve learned that ambushing him leads to a startled reaction, instead of heartfelt communication. “Did you?” while boatloads of fear that he might say yes, and from him “uh, no” (then probably in his head “shit, why did I say that?”).

Its true I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt, but I do that. You could to, if you feel he deserves it!

With warmth,
Matt

Gracie,

It sounds to me like you’re experiencing several different emotions right now. Maybe a bit of anger because he lied to you about the lap dance, perhaps a bit of regret for not expressing how you really felt about him going to that strip club in the first place.

I can relate so much with your post for several reasons. I’m currently in a committed relationship and honestly, if i was in your position I probably would have done the same thing. I try not to restrict my boyfriend too much by being one of those overprotective girlfriends who have their boyfriends on lock-down, so I tend to give the go ahead when it comes to things like that (even if i’m not fully comfortable with it). I know this isn’t really a good thing since i’m compromising my own feelings in the process but i’m now working on striking that balance. I’m not sure if this was the same logic you had when you gave your fiance the go ahead.

The fact that he lied about the whole lap dance thing isn’t cool at all. For me, lying is a HUGE turn off and has been the source of several arguments that I’ve had with my bf.. but in your situation, I guess your fiance was put in a strange place since your best friend was also staring him down when you confronted him about it. He may have lied about it because it wasn’t something he wanted to discuss in front of your friend. He may have just panicked. I’m giving him the benefit of the doubt here.

All in all, it sounds like you’ve got yourself a wonderful man who loves and appreciates you. It also sounds to me that he’s truly sorry about all that happened. I know that you’re going through a lot at home because taking care of a sick person is no easy business. Despite all the hardships just remember that you’re truly blessed. I wish you so much happiness in this new chapter of life.

Wow…I’m so sorry this pain has caused such a riff, but it does sound like you will get through it as a couple.

For me, the most important thing is to take responsibility for MY side of the situation. So here, you TOLD him he could go… You sound like a very bright articulate woman and I’m pretty sure you know what happens at strip clubs: boobs, butts, sexy outfits, pole-dancing, and lap dances. That’s what happens at those places, so it should not have been ANY surprise to you that’s what indeed happened. It’s like trying to say, “I said you could go to the amusement park with your friends, but I didn’t think you’d actually ride any of the rides??” Sounds kinda silly when you think of it that way, don’t you think?

The lying is problematic, but, as at least one other reply (and you yourself) mentioned, ambushing him right upon awakening was probably not the best set-up for a healthy discussion. I tend to agree with Danielle, that he probably just did a knee-jerk reaction, then regretted it; you can tell because he confessed within a few days. Personally, I don’t think you should have even asked him about the night, in a way it’s none of your business. Again you know what goes on in a strip club, and that’s where he went, so…

Here are a few lessons I see that you could take away:

1. Your husband asked for your input on this important event. He values your input and your opinion; if he didn’t, he wouldn’t have even bothered asking but just told you what he would be doing.

2. Being true to yourself means being honest with your preferences. If he asks, be HONEST.

3. When reasonable things happen at reasonable places and times, don’t be surprised.

4. Your husband loves you, and sounds like a good man who made a mistake (in the lie). He ended up revealing it, and is working with you on the repercussions, and that’s just about as good as it gets really.

Good luck in your new life with him – try to be present with whatever life brings you today, and no matter what, ALWAYS To Thine Own Self Be True (Shakespeare)

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