Hi. So I think that I am waking up…. I have so many questions…. I guess I’ll start at the beginning. I had my heart broken about 10 years ago and I think that’s when I sort of started sleepwalking through life. At that point, I essentially gave up on everything.

I met someone 2 weeks after my heartbreak and expected it to be a re-bound because i knew I needed time to heal. This guy, however, didn’t want to be a re-bound because he said that he was in love with me from the moment he saw me. I was feeling pretty low so I just sort of went along with things and we dated, and he kept pushing the relationship further, and even though everything in me said, “he’s really great, but this isn’t right. break up with him,” I stayed in.

long story shortish….he proposed and even though I had promised myself i wouldn’t marry him, I couldn’t bring myself to say no. Everything inside of me screamed at me to say no and run away, but I couldn’t bring myself to hurt him, so I said “i don’t know.” He decided to just keep asking every 20 minutes of every day until 3 months later I convinced myself to say yes.

Now, we’ve been married 6 years and I thought I was fine. I really did. I felt pretty content in general. Not totally satisfied, but fine. We have a daughter. I was very focused on being a wife and mother and I guess that kept me from really examining my true feelings.

then one day, out of the blue, I was struck by the thought of a boy that I had loved when I was in high school. I hadn’t thought of this guy since right after I got engaged (so for 7 years, I hadn’t thought about him). And suddenly, there he was in my brain, like I had been hit by a bus. And I remember looking up and sort of feeling like I was coming up out of a fog and looking around me and thinking “Where am I and how did I get here? This is not my life.”

I tried to stop thinking about him and focus on my family, but I couldn’t stop thinking about him at all. I started having this overwhelming need to contact him, which I did not want to do. I ignored the urge for 2 months. In that time, he started showing up at the top of my Facebook feed even though in the 7 years that we’ve been Facebook friends, he has never once shown up in my newsfeed. After 2 months, I finally contacted him and we’ve been in touch.

He lives in Scotland (I live in the US) and after contacting him, I started seeing all of these signs about Scotland and him. I was seeing Scotland everywhere I looked and I was really trying to forget about him because I’m married and we honestly barely know each other anymore and these references to Scotland were really kind of annoying because they made it impossible to forget him.

At first, I thought it was coincidence, but then “the bonnie banks o’ loch lomond” came on my favorite pandora station 3 times in about 1 hour. It had never come on before- or since. That’s when I started thinking this wasn’t just coincidence after all. It was becoming harder and harder to forget about him and I was starting to remember all of my old feelings for him which had me questioning my very lukewarm marriage. And everything else in my life. I started reading my old diaries and remembering who I used to be. I started painting again and writing again and learning French and getting rid of all the things in my life that seemed to be weighing me down. I got more into yoga and spirituality.

All of that would have been lovely, if not for that nagging doubt about my marriage. That’s where I am really conflicted. My husband is a great person and a great husband and a great father and I am lucky to be with him, but I just don’t feel it. And the contrast of my lukewarm marriage (a relationship that I doubted on a weekly basis) against the pure and honest love that I had for this guy (that I never once doubted even for a second) makes me so confused. I know that I was young and in high school and adult relationships are different. But this isn’t just me remembering someone. This is a kick in the pants from God and the Universe.

When the guy and I first met, I was sure he was my soul mate. Now I’m wondering if it’s possible that he really is? I know that there can be lots of different soul mates, but I mean a romantic soul mate. How can you know? The signs continued nearly every day until about the end of December. Things have quieted down now. But these are the rest of them:

1) Nov 7, 2015 i was driving and asking for a sign that this meant something and i looked over just as i drove past the Scottish Inn which i had never noticed before
2) Nov 7, 2015 i went to see a psychic and prayed fervently for God to speak to me during the reading. The very first thing she asked was if i was irish/scottish or had irish/scottish relatives because she saw celtic symbols all around me.
3) i started feeling a change inside of myself and a desire to let go of things that no longer serve me. i began purging my house of unnecessary material items. I randomly decided to clean out a drawer and found the scotland photo album i had been looking for but couldn’t find. then i randomly decided to clean out a box in the back of the toy closet and found old floppy disks (that i was SURE i had thrown out years ago) with his name on them, AND a newspaper article about scotland.
4) watching a movie with my daughter and there was a scottish character that reminded me SO much of him
5) dec 9, 2015 turned on a movie and the first character i heard was a scottish man
6) dec 8, 2015 Over thanksgiving I had been searching for letters that he wrote to me. i never found them and said to myself that I would like to find just one letter. a few weeks later, i was drawn into my closet and told to look underneath the photos in my photo box. I didn’t think anything would be there because i had been through that box a million times. under the photos, was a postcard from him.
7) dec 9, 2015 looked at a room service menu and the first thing i saw was “smoked scottish salmon”
8) dec 10, 2015 invited to a friend’s neighborhood pool called the Loch Ness Pool
9) dec 10, 2015 I was thinking that everything could be a coincidence and that if I saw a man in a kilt, i would believe that these really are signs. Then i saw an ancestry.com commercial with a man in a kilt.
10) Dec 11, 2015 reading an unrelated website, and the first comment was spam for a site about visiting scotland
11) Started seeing posts about scotland all over my newsfeed (not from him or anyone else scottish)
12) Nov 25 2015 saw a facebook post for a video called “beautiful scotland”
13) dec 19, 2015 highlander car in front of me as i have been thinking about the highlands.
14) dec 19, 2015 I had been thinking that if I saw the Scottish flag, that would definitely not be a coincidence. I also was feeling very distraught about all of this and was praying to know if these signs are just coincidences i’m making up in my head or if they are from God. The next day, after a long chain of strange events, i was driving on a road and decided to look for signs. i was at an intersection and nearly turned right (turn signal on and everything) when something told me to go straight. i drove and saw the Scottish flag flying next to the Christian flag, both hanging on a church.
15) driving randomly, ended up in Scotia (latin for scotland)
16) Had been asking to see his name or initials if these signs are directly about him, and while randomly driving in Scotia, i passed the EM (his initials) jewelry and repair store.
17) Immediately after that, i passed the Tartan Restaurant (a scottish restaurant) in Scotia
18) Drove up to yoga class and parked behind a kia Soul. I noticed “soul” just as the song I was listening to sad “It must have been hard just to follow your soul. To take the road your heart wants you to go.” I thought that if I heard/saw soul one more time, then that was a sign. At the end of yoga class, some people were talking in the back of the room and I didn’t hear anything they said except, “that’s the sound of our souls f***ing up.”

Also, he’s from Glasgow, Scotland. I grew up next to Glasgow, KY and I now live next to Scotia, NY (scotia means scotland).

All of this has also lead me to sign up for an amazing yoga teacher training with an incredible woman who is teaching me all about awakening and the law of attraction and vibrations etc. So, I know that I am on the right path and things are going the way that they are supposed to… I’m just impatient, I guess… I just wonder if anyone has any insight into whether or not he might be my romantic soul mate? I hate the thought of being in a lukewarm marriage if the love of my life is out there waiting for me (he is single). I can’t tell via Facebook if he still has feelings for me and I am not about to ask him while I am still married.

I know that this journey is ultimately about finding myself and re-aligning with my own soul. And that once I do that, I will probably have all the answers I need. I guess I would just like some opinions or maybe some stories from people who have gone down this road before. This spiritual growth stuff is painful and the thought of hurting my husband is excruciating. And I know that I can try to change my vibration to shift the marriage to a place that I can be happy with, but can you really make yourself LOVE someone? If that’s true, then what’s all the stuff about trusting your instincts/intuition? My instincts were SCREAMING at me to say no. So, were they wrong? Does love not even really exist?

I am trying to come at all of this from a place of fullness and gratitude and I do feel full and I am grateful for everything in my life. My life is really very wonderful. But, I do have a lot of regret and sadness and angst about what I should have done differently. I am just starting this journey and I know that letting go of those things is a crucial first step. But how do I do that? Today I was feeling very angry that I was woken up at all. Did anyone else feel that way when they first started? Sorry this is so long…. It’s a lonely path because most everyone else in my life would just think I’m crazy…

Any insight would be much appreciated…

Thank you all.