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Avoidance pattern

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  • October 21, 2014 at 5:56 am #66554
    Hannah
    Participant

    Hello all – I hope someone can help. Over the past couple of years I’ve developed a really bad habit.

    A bit of context… I’m a PhD student in the UK and I work in order to afford my living expenses (at the moment, I have three part-time jobs). I’ve been fighting depression and anxiety for a number of years. I’ve been to university counsellors a number of times and in the last few sessions it was established that I have a habit of avoidance.

    At particularly stressful times or when I’ve come back from a trip home, I have tended to call in sick to work, I can’t motivate myself to get up or do anything. On some days just getting dressed is an achievement. Eventually I pick myself up again, only for it to happen a couple of weeks later. This was picked up by one of my employers earlier this year and I managed to improve, but months later, I have started the same thing with my new job.

    I started the new job in summer and whilst it’s a great role for me, the team is nice and the work is interesting, I have a nagging feeling that I don’t work as hard enough, fast enough or efficiently enough as my other team-mates (who were hired at the same time as me). Of course, I know I’m inconveniencing them and not contributing what I should be when I’m calling in sick every few weeks, so my behaviour is completely destructive. At the same time, I started the second year of my PhD in October and so have started teaching, which I’ve never done before, and giving my first major presentations. Both are a bit terrifying and I’m not sure that I’m very good at either. Most of the time I feel like I’m just being humoured and soon enough, I’ll be shown the door. So first I called in sick with a cold, then a migraine a couple of weeks later, and now another cold. Of course, they aren’t colds or migraines at all (though the latter do come with the anxiety a bit) but just me unable to face the world and hating myself for being workshy, lazy and self-destructive.

    I know that if I keep doing this – the things I’m afraid of will happen: I’ll fail my PhD, lose my job and would probably struggle to get employed again. I’d let everyone down and there would be nothing left for me, I’d have no idea what to do. But for some reason I just can’t get past this – it’s like knowing that not exercising and eating badly will cause ill health but carrying on anyway.

    My partner has suggested going to see a doctor, my employers and my academic supervisor would naturally point me towards counselling again and maybe that’s what I should do. But if anyone here has advice or thoughts, it would be really helpful. I’m sorry this has been a bit long and a bit rambly.

    Many thanks, Hannah

    October 22, 2014 at 10:29 am #66647
    ren
    Participant

    hi dear Hannah, i don’t know that if i can help u or not, i’m just wanted to share something with you… 🙂

    i also had depression and anxiety for only almost two years…

    it was just about stupid broken heart with a guy…

    (please forgive if my English wasn’t good enough, because i’m Mandarin native speaking :p )

    but after i change my university, i started get busy with life, catching assignments’ deadline, part-time work as well

    i’m busy with everything then i started to forget my grief…

    actually i have a long story wanted to share with you but i don’t know where to start…

    i know that i feel depression and anxiety and lonely

    and get cold easily because

    at that time I HAD NOT PURPOSE IN LIFE.

    i’m type of person who like to think a lot and sensitive a lot and low self esteem

    but i kind of know your feeling…

    October 22, 2014 at 10:42 am #66648
    ren
    Participant

    after few years, i only realised how to change my depression, anxiety and lonely life … 🙂

    1) if u don’t have anyone to talk to, you can talk to yourself with writing all your head or heart voices in the diary,
    no matter happy, sad, angry, hopeless, excited…

    2) u can try to talk to God or our creator… do u believe that we also have a Mother/Father who always by our side?
    i talk and pray and disturb Him/Her everyday or whenever i’m alone and no one to talk to :p

    3) though i’m not Christian, but i know, that is some kind of word in Bible said, let all of your worries to Him. Because He care for us. 🙂

    4) TRY TO CONCENTRATE MORE ON OTHERS. if you try to give volunteer or help people, the less that you will care for yourself and the more that you care for others, you don’t have time to be sad 🙂

    for example, in future i’ll be a teacher, so i would like to give tutoring to orphange house when i’m free,
    so when i started my volunteering, the more i know for them, the more i trying to concentrate on how can i be a good teacher to guide them? how can i earn more money from part time job/ fundraising to donate food,daily usage thing, books, stationery and etc for them..

    October 22, 2014 at 10:47 am #66649
    ren
    Participant

    I remembered I am souless two years back when i wasn’t study in univeristy.

    everyday i woke up, i hated my life.

    because i’m merely breathing and living just to go to work as a sales promoter

    and i cried a lot whenever i back home or i’m alone

    I didnt know what to do in my life

    I didnt know what can I do or contribute in future, I didnt even know what I’m living for

    so sometime i will think about commit suicide, but when i think about my parents who worked hard and loved me for years

    then i give up that thought even though my heart was really really pain…

    October 22, 2014 at 10:57 am #66650
    ren
    Participant

    I had transferred my course, from design degree (then consider my future

    and very struggling and working full time promoter to find out for almost one year)

    to psychology degree （then after that because some stresses came, i cant take it）

    then I started to do banking sales （lost my opportunity to study in univeristy）

    then I started to do property

    untill today, my most satisfying job, part time tuition teacher 🙂

    SORRY TO BE SO NAGGING, haha :p

    actually i had went through a lot hard time at time, no one beside me making the situation worse,

    but i Growth because of Him. Our Mother Nature’s Creator 🙂

    after i quited my banking sales, i only realised that i cant go back to university anymore because of some
    reasons, i cried a lot because i dare not to face my daddy mummy,

    i dont know what to do,i nearly commit suicide that time

    i rememberred it was the longest time that i cried…

    October 22, 2014 at 11:02 am #66652
    ren
    Participant

    and Somehow and that very crucial time, i suddenly think about God, haha…

    I talked to Him in my head, and then gradually

    i calmed myself

    and very mysteryly, i stopped crying and start watching entertainment show for almost 3 days

    and did nothing, haha…

    after 3 days, i suddenly (again) get inspired and wanted to try to be an property agent…

    after that although it wasnt successful, but very fortunately i got scholarship and finally can go back

    to study…

    October 22, 2014 at 11:10 am #66654
    ren
    Participant

    I found out that people surrounding me dont like or accept my kind of attitude.

    they think i’m crazy and dont take seriously in life.

    At first , i cared about it,

    but now i think, Hey, this is my life, if i dont change it,
    who will suffer in the next few years or decades? Me.

    will the people surrounding suffer? No.

    Actually I got my satisfy job through fingerprint report, they call it demartology or something like that
    it can scan our brain intelligence and personalities through our fingerprint,

    then they will list out many different kind of carrers hierachy that suits us through matching our IQ, EQ, personalities and our strenghts… 🙂

    at first i denied myself when i saw the result, i’m not confident to be a teacher
    untill i had tried other jobs then i gave up and then i said no choice, then i started to be a tuition teacher only that lights
    something up in my life.. 🙂

    October 22, 2014 at 11:25 am #66657
    ren
    Participant

    though it wasnt easy to be a teacher, especially when i have to teach them Mandarin by using English

    i got teased a lot by my students and some secondary will also give me a look that “why this teacher’s speaking sound funny?”

    and though i had spent a lot time on that student , he didnt care about it and another even end my tuition though i gave him extra free tuition, and i’m bad in manage class and always end up scolding my students and gave me unhapponess though

    i hurt a lot from what i cant archieve at first, felt depressed

    but i know I HAVE TWO CHOICES:

    I CAN CHOOSE TO BE DEPRESSED, SAD about my teaching method

    or I CAN CHOOSE TO LET GO MY IMPERFECTION AND LEARN MORE

    due to some of my pride, i persuade myself half-half in this situation…

    EVERYDAY I HAVE TWO CHOICES:

    CHOOSE TO BE SAD or CHOOSE TO BE HAPPY

    CHOOSE TO THINK A LOT then get depreesed and anxiety or
    CHOOSE TO TALK TO OTHERS ACTIVELY/ CARE FOR OTHERS

    CHOOSE THE SAD SIDE OF LIFE or
    CHOOSE THE BRIGHT SIDE OF LIFE 🙂

    good luck Hannah!!
    you can make it!!
    nothing is unsolvable!!

    pray harder for guidance and sleep early before 10.30pm （because after 11pm we will be more emotinal, scientist said ）
    take more morning sunshine, more exercises, different kinds of vegetables, fruits, nuts, seeds, extra virgin oil,

    last but no least, be thankful for three small little things everyday when you wake up 🙂
    🙂

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