Hello Penguin (and Lauren)!

I am kind of the complete opposite of what you just described. I’m older as well, and probably from a different culture, so I am fully aware that I can not completely understand how you feel. In fact, I kind of don’t understand it at all, so there might be a mismatch in thinking and possibly also in communication. I hope that I could offer another kind of perspective.

If you’ve spent any time in Pinterest, you’ll know that nerdy is the new black 🙂 Granted, I’m not your age and in your culture, but preferring tea and books/movies/discussions to clubbing isn’t anything extraordinary anymore.

Also, you don’t have to be witty or funny to be pleasant company. We all take different roles in social situations, and we need all kinds of people to fulfil a specific role. A very charismatic and talkative person is nothing without a counterpart who enjoys someone else taking control of the social situation. The roles that we take come rather naturally, and there is no way that it would work if everyone would be terribly witty and funny all the time. There has to be a balance. So if you aren’t like that naturally, then that’s honestly no problem at all.

There’s this idea that in order to be confident, one should be really active and loud and assertive. That’s not true. Quiet confidence is very powerful, and even a bit scary and admirable to those who can’t stay quiet 🙂

So I think that you might not understand that you do have lots of value as a person. Regardless of what kind of personality you have. A person who can be authentic and is able to be present in the moment is very rare and valuable. But you don’t even have to be that to have friends and acquaintances.

I make fast friends all the time. Always have. It just comes naturally to me. If I would have to pinpoint what it is that makes it happen, then it’s just being friendly with a detachment. I think it creates a safe environment, and people are drawn to that. So for example, I’m standing in a line with people and I make a comment about something. That’s making a connection with the people in the same situation. In the same time I’m not attached to the outcome at all, and people sense that. People are more open to starting to talk with strangers if they feel that they’re not going to be stuck with that person. If making a comment is too much, then just smiling is OK as well. Simply making a connection whilst showing that you are a friendly person and not a threat. The reaction to that is pretty much the same everywhere. Whether those connections lead to anything is something that time will tell, but to adopt such mentality might help. Since it’s who I am, I don’t know if it’s something that goes totally against the personality of someone else, but I don’t think it should?

Of course you also need to spend time in places with a lot of people. Like attending a class 🙂 I don’t know how those work in your university, but I would assume it’s the same everywhere, and you’ll have plenty of opportunities to sit close to other people and connect with them before, during and after. To be quite honest, being terribly nervous and over-thinking things and being a person on a mission to find a new friends aren’t going to help 🙂 So the detachment to the outcome is rather important. People want to be able to choose themselves who they want to be friends with and imposing will result in the opposite. It’s not that different from flirting and other mating games: showing availability and friendliness and that it’s OK to approach with certain cues like smiling and making comments. Even if it doesn’t always work and people don’t always pick up on it (or don’t feel like they want to discuss with strangers), it’s not a social faux pas and is generally seen as something very pleasant. It only becomes a faux pas if you force it.

You should build confidence (we all should), and that’s one of the things I’ve personally had to really work on. So you see, you can be a social person with no real confidence 🙂 Anyway, I’ve noticed that the more I’m OK with who I am, the more confident I become. When I know myself and who I am, I’m as prepared as I can be for what ever will come. Nobody knows what’s going to happen in a new situation (which is where confidence is needed), but if you know yourself, then you’re ahead of the game. Not only do you need to know yourself, you need to accept yourself. Right now you are assuming that being a tea drinking homebody is bad and unacceptable. Why would that be? Everyone does love confident people, because they make us feel safe, but like I said before, confidence is not the same as being social (and it’s definitely not the same as being a club-hopping social drinker). So your inferiority complex is based on an illusion, really.

To me, all this is really clear, but if it wasn’t, or you completely disagree, then please do comment 🙂

Friendship is a waste of time, unless you are learning something, in your case probably acceptance of who you are.
Instead of seeking friendship with pears to combat boredom and reach happiness, surrender to the fact that you will never find absolute happiness in others’ company. No body does! Instead, learn to appreciate your Self’s company and work on growing as a person or/and become artistic or philosophical. Writing or engaging in art is the most rewarding experience ever. Whereas socialising leave you empty and bored after a while, being artistic or spiritual fills your life/heart up and you’ll never know, it may turn out more rewarding than you have ever anticipated.