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Viewing 10 posts - 1 through 10 (of 10 total)
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  • April 6, 2016 at 9:12 pm #101137
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dina:

    Good to “hear” from you again. i was hoping you will be back. The name Zoloft jumps out from the screen, a very common side effect of Zoloft is loss of sex drive.

    Then anxiety will do it too, fear looking for a reason to be, searching for a thought to attach itself to. First there is the fear, from long ago, and it goes around and around the brain. The problem solving part of the brain is trying to resolve the fear, to put it to rest by asking itself: what is causing this fear? Maybe there is a problem here.. maybe there.

    So yes, I struggled with OCD for decades and your overthinking regarding sex with your boyfriend sounds to me very much like OCD type thinking. And OCD is all about anxiety, from which you suffer.

    anita

    April 7, 2016 at 12:32 pm #101195
    Dina
    Participant

    as always, thank you for your response. i hope you all well1 nice to hear from you too

    April 29, 2016 at 8:21 am #103112
    Dina
    Participant

    Hi Anita – and anyone else on Tiny Buddha who chooses to read/respond,

    It’s been a few weeks and the attracted-ness is still an issue. My boyfriend and I have been together nearly 8 months now.

    He’s still a wonderful person and I love him, but my concerns are still here.

    Last night I spoke with my mother and my sister, and I said to them “I dont think I’m capable of falling madly in love”. I definitely have before, but every time I do it’s with someone who’s wrong for me..or abusive..or significantly older. It’s as if I can only feel passion when I’m in a situation I shouldnt be in. So this time I tried to be with someone who’s right for me and I figured I should expect the passion not to be there.

    When I think about it, a life with him makes sense. He would make a good husband and father. We are from the same religion, and he’s kind and loving and all the other positive things I have listed about him in the above posts. But I’m still unsure.

    The thought of moving in with him scares me. The thought of living with anyone right now scares me which is unusual. Usually this is something that excites me.

    While sex with him is good, I dont crave it like I usually do. Even though I am on zoloft, I have quite an active sex-life when I was single. With him, I generally only want it when it’s been a while and I need to scratch the itch, or I know he wants it and want to make him happy. I dont crave him as much as I do just sex every once in a while. We are down to having sex once a week or less..and it hasnt even been a year. That cant be a good thing. He often wants it and I almost never do..also not great.

    While we both speak spanish and english and we are both from the same religious background, sometimes I find talking with him difficult. While he always listens and cares, sometimes he cant express himself because of the language barrier, and I’m not sure this is something I’m ok with long term.

    He also has confidence issues. I know a lot of people do and I dont fault him for it,however I do think I probably need someone with more strength long term. I have anxiety and panic disorder and I’m not the most confident person. I think having someone who is opposite in that way may be a good balance for me.

    So now I’m stuck in my head. All this happened last night. I have been pushing these issues aside for so long, hoping they didnt matter. I didnt want to be a shallow person and have attraction be an issue, but it is. And now I dont know what to do. I dont want to break up with him out of the blue. He has no idea I’m feeling this way and it wouldnt be fair. But I also dont want to lead him on.

    I tend to be unable to move forward with my life when I have something like this in my head. I couldnt sleep all night and I felt even worse because he was there with me and I didnt feel like I could discuss this with him. How do you discuss something like this without breaking it off?

    April 29, 2016 at 9:02 am #103115
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dina:

    Is it possible, DIna, that as the anxious child that you were, you looked up to your father, let’s say, to protect you, to be the strength that you so desperately needed. There was no way for you as a child to be strong all by yourself. You needed a strong parent to look up to, to rely on, to learn from, to feel safe in his presence.

    And (going on with my hypothesis), you grew up to a woman, still anxious, still needing the strength of a person outside of you. Carrying this deep need, wouldn’t an older man feel a bit like a potential man you can look up to, like a child looks up to a parent? When you meet a certain man that shares some qualities with your father, someone older, even unavailable in similar ways, you get that strong need for that man and that strong need fuels your attraction for him?

    If your attraction to men is fueled by the attraction of a child to a strong father, a confident father who can calm your fears, make you feel calm, then when you meet certain men that feel-like they can provide you with what you need, then you will feel intense attraction to them, on all levels.

    Problem is that the men that feel-like salvation, may be way less likely to help you than men who don’t feel-like salvation.

    What do you think/ feel?

    anita

    April 29, 2016 at 9:06 am #103116
    Dina
    Participant

    Yeah probably. Attraction is fueled by many different things and confidence is one of them. i dont want someone to take care of me or save me though. i want an equal.

    April 29, 2016 at 10:00 am #103119
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dina:

    If what you want is an equal, then in the area of self confidence you have an equal, your current boyfriend. You wrote in your post before last that both of you lack confidence: “He also has confidence issues… I have anxiety and panic disorder and I’m not the most confident person.”

    Your next sentence was: “I think having someone who is opposite in that way may be a good balance for me.” So you don’t want an equal in the area of self confidence but the opposite.

    Am I correct, you wanting someone very unequal to you in the area of self confidence?

    anita

    April 29, 2016 at 10:08 am #103121
    Dina
    Participant

    Good point – yes I suppose in that way I do.

    April 29, 2016 at 11:20 am #103126
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dina:

    So maybe you do want someone to save you, that is, to make the fear go away, to make you feel calm and safe. And what if the men that make you temporarily feel this way (triggering the strong attraction) are not the right men for you? What if they only remind you of a quality in your parent/s and that is all that triggers the attraction.

    What if it is in your relationship with your boyfriend where the potential for your healing exists? What if it is with this man, lacking of self confidence and not that great in English (?) where the potential exists?

    anita

    April 29, 2016 at 12:27 pm #103128
    Dina
    Participant

    I just dont know. Im such a mess I have no idea how I’m going to get through the day.

    April 29, 2016 at 12:38 pm #103129
    Anonymous
    Guest

    Dear Dina:

    So sorry you are having such a tough time.

    Well, having the tough time you are having, no need to solve long term problems and challenges. Let your relationship be as it is for now, no decisions to be made. Take on only the day for now, moment by moment, hour by hour. Nothing else. Empty your brain best you can, see only what is in front of you, the very next task, the very next moment, hour. Nothing beyond.

    anita

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