Hi Everyone,

First I will say this is my first post here, I’m new to posting here but have found this site very helpful in my current healing journey. I came to the realization early this year that my mother has Borderline Personality Disorder and have made steps to reduce/eliminate contact with her over time because sadly, she is an emotional drain on me, increases my anxiety and depression that I’m trying so hard to manage right now, and twists facts and sometimes outright lies to reinforce her views. It’s sad and I’m coming to terms with this. I’ve been seeing a therapist regularly for about 5 months and really learning a lot about healthy boundaries and relationships.

However, this post is about my current relationship. I’m 25 and my boyfriend is 27 and we have been dating for about 7 months now. We met in February, a few months after I moved and broke up with my ex boyfriend of 3 years who I lived with. I will admit there wasn’t much time between the two, but that relationship was over long before it was over (for me anyway) and I gave myself ample opportunities to date around and be choosy. My point is that my current boyfriend wasn’t chosen by me out of a lack of options; I was very picky for a while.

My boyfriend is admittedly emotionally closed off. His family does not address emotions at all. I think this comes from his mother’s past, as she was abused during childhood by her alcoholic father. My boyfriend doesn’t think she ever sought therapy to address the undeniable baggage she may have from this. As a result, he is his with a double-whammy: he is a man living in a society that expects men to be stoic and out of touch emotionally, AND he was raised in an emotionally unavailable family. He has told me that his being closed off has been an issue in past relationships. He talks about potential therapy sometimes and even asks me about my sessions, but I won’t nag him to go. He has to want it.

Anyway, the current issue is that I’ve been feeling very lonely and sad in our relationship. He is very busy – working full time and in an accelerated MBA program that started this summer. He is very ambitious and his mind is always racing and wired for multitasking. I’ll be honest, I believe he struggles with anxiety related issues just as I do. He can’t sit still, has trouble sleeping, has weird body pains sometimes, etc. Same presentation as my anxiety/depression.

In contrast to my very busy man, I’m progressively lightening my load at the moment as I focus on my emotional life and my healing from childhood trauma and abuse. It’s exhausting work. I used to work two jobs but now I am focusing on just the one full-time job. My mind is not always racing anymore and I am concentrating on being present, which I’ll admit is a challenge but I’m getting better at it.

When my boyfriend and I are together, I feel this obvious disconnect. He is often distracted or when we are discussing interesting topics, he will be into explaining his thought, then I’ll say something to add to it and the conversation will all of a sudden drop and he won’t respond. When we spend nights together, he is distracted by a lot of things – work emails, homework (which I’m fine with as I see the value in this and understand), social media, messaging, internet videos, etc. It’s like he cannot just “be” in the moment with me and I desperately crave this connection. I don’t know what to talk to him about anymore and we have awkward silences. This distance is very painful for me.

Last week we had a serious conversation about this, during which he told me his emotional distance has been a problem in relationships in the past. I think that he expects me to break up with him eventually over this as I suspect this may have ended past relationships as well. I told him that I feel lonely and sad sometimes when we are together, because all I want is to bond with him and talk, feel connected, but it feels impossible when he’s distracted with other things. He made an effort, wrote me a sweet note saying he appreciates me and he agrees that I deserve better and he’ll work at it, and even planned a nice date for us this weekend. However, I still notice a palpable disconnect in the little, everyday moments.

I’m not sure how to approach this. I do like him, but I know that I need to take care of myself first and foremost (which I have trouble with) and pay attention to these feelings. I’m just at a loss here. Any help would be really appreciated.