Hi Tiny Buddha Gurus…

I am at a huge loss in trying to help a couple that are friends of mine. My prediction is that I’m going to have to back away and watch it go down. But in the meantime it would be helpful if someone can at least help me understand a healthier way to look at it.

He’s American she is 2nd gen Korean so right there is a cultural divide. They are not married yet but plan to be within a year. The complaints he has seem to becoming more frequent. The complaints he has are not really specific. They are cultural in that, she is expecting more and more of him to pretty much abandon his American upbringing and adhere to herKorean lifestyle, they way they do things, without fault. He does things the way he always has, like putting different foods in the fridge differently, even before they met, and they work. When he does something quite benign, she tells him that’s not how it’s done in Korea at which point it escalates into a fight. He’ll say something like, :I was born in America, I am an American, this is how I was taught to do things, and they have always worked.” A terrible fight to witness. One perfect example is recently she got a phone bill in the mail, which was her brother’s bill. He’s 35. I don’t know why it came to their address, but her brother is in Paris going to school. The phone bill was an overdue amount of $22.02. No big deal. So immediately she paid it. Granted it is a small bill. But my friend asked her why she is paying her brother’s bills, which was not the 1st, 2nd, or 3rd time. Her answer was , “We’re family. It’s what we do in Korea.” This answer was not delivered in a very pleasant way at all. He asked her when does he (the brother) start taking responsibility himself, that we have our own bills to pay? A very fair question. Needless to say she escalated a fair question into a very hostile one sided argument. Again not a pretty picture to have witnessed. I recall visiting them last summer when her brother came to visit from Paris. During the 3 weeks he was here he came and went, ate up the food in the fridge, stayed up late with the tv blaring, etc. When he left, she gave him $2000.00. No thank you, no I appreciate it, no I’ll pay you back. Nothing. She said she was struggling. My friend told me that their cultural differences are destroying their relationship and because of this ongoing he doubts they will get married.

Any helpful words that I can offer him? Any helpful words for me to understand what is going on without getting agro?

Pearce